RazzyBlog: Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Amateur Night at the Apollo Theater

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Amateur Night at the Apollo Theater

Name: Amateur Night at the Apollo Theater

DOB: 1934

Occupation: judging competing talent and entertaining tourists

Hometown: Harlem, New York, New York

Current residence: same--253 W. 125th Street

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I was really sick the last couple days and basically didn't do anything besides lay in bed and consume soup and DayQuil. Luckily, the anonymous commenter currently doing the lion's share of Razzy hating has proved to be as inept at opining on medical matters as he/she is at correctly predicting my legal demise, and I don't have AIDS, bubonic plague, or anything resembling a hemorrhagic fever virus. I was laid out by my old nemesis, rhinovirus, and now am on the mend. I was worried, though, that I wouldn't be able to rally enough to make it out to Amateur Night last night.

My friend JerseyGirl is crazy about "Showtime at the Apollo," and for her impending birthday, her boyfriend Kodiak thought it would be fun to surprise her and her tightest girls with tickets to Amateur Night. He bought tickets for us all weeks in advance and I knew that I'd have to be hospitalized in order to really skip out on it. Besides, I've always wanted to check it out, and it's just one of those New York things I haven't gotten around to doing in the five years since I've lived here. So I took a handful of DayQuil and trekked the one subway stop down to 125th street.

When we got there, JerseyGirl was--in her words--"straight-up cereally buggin'" and "renarded" with excitement. "LOOK! It's the TREE OF HOPE!" she shouted, pointing at the stump-type thing that the contestants rub for luck before taking the stage. "O.M.G. I can't believe we are actually here," she said. "O.M.G. O.M.G. This is totz so awesome." I think she was happy with her present.

I was disappointed to learn that the Sandman had passed in 2003 (it's been awhile since I caught an episode of "It's Showtime at the Apollo" on TV) and the shepherd's staff he used to drag people offstage is not used by his replacement. The amateurs were entertaining, even if there was an excess of dance troupes. If I'd had my way, every last douchebag in a stupid sweatshirt would have been dragged away in shame. I hate dancing, both in terms of doing it and watching it. There was this one fat woman who collapsed onstage singing "I Who Have Nothing" (my choice to win...unfortunately, she did not), and a jazz horn ensemble called the "BSHA Group." They sucked, but we all declared them JerseyGirl and Kodiak's favorites on the basis of their name.

"BS? H and A? That group is made for you two, dude!" I exclaimed (H and A are Kodiak and JerseyGirl's first initials, and BS--not bullshit--is one of their special BF/GF bonding activities).

"Dude, our BS is way more inspired than this," said JerseyGirl, scoffing at their uninspired rendition of "My Favorite Things." However, from that point on, we all referred to that group as the "Buttsex Kodiak JerseyGirl Group."

In spite of not being at the top of my game in terms of verbal capabilities (I was having a hard time shouting "BOOOO!!!!" without collapsing into a fit of coughing and--like the true dweeb that I am--had to take several hits off my asthma inhaler during the event), I still managed to get very excited about Amateur Night. And today I am not back to 100%, but I am considerably improved. Amateur Night was not only worth getting out of bed for as an evening of entertainment and as a salute to my friend turning 28, it actually may have helped facilitate my recovery. I do NOT shout "BOOOOO!!!!" to Amateur Night.

Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Harlem world, I hate dancing, I LOVE IT, JerseyGirl, NYC