Friday, March 28, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Kristin "Billie" Davis
DOB: 1976?
Occupation: female mega-pimp
Hometown: per the Post AKA the greatest newspaper in the history of print journalism, a "rough and tumble California trailer park"
Current residence: Rikers Island, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Apparently ex-Girls Gone Wild who look disturbingly like my friend LL Cool Jew are not the only hookers former Governor Eliot Spitzer likes to bone. In a New York Post article cleverly titled "And There He Ho's Again," we are introduced to this lovely lady, Billie Davis, a madam who allegedly serviced the horny governor personally. Billie claims to run the "world's largest escort agency," and is known for what the Post describes as having "a reputation for hard-partying, shameless self-promotion, and a rumored 10,000-name-long client list." That list supposedly includes a number of "big names" and "sports superstars," including one "very prominent" Yankee, and a number of Spitzer's campaign contributers.
I love Billie because she is what a madam/hooker is supposed to look like. Bleached blonde, tits everywhere, porn star pancake, and cocksucker red lipstick in full effect is the look I would go for if I were a john. It's the look I'd rock if I were to get into the prostitution biz. Actually, now that I think of it, it's the look I sometimes rock now when I'm going out on the town to pick up some fellas.
Billie is such a great hooker name. It's the kind of name that a hard-drinkin', no-nonsense gal with a sharp tongue and a heart of gold (I'm assuming she has a heart of gold) should have. Billie is the kind of girl who would have worked in a saloon back in olden days, carrying a Derringer in her garter and wearing rouge to the shock and disdain of all the so-called "ladies" in town. She reminds me of a modern-day Belle Watling from Gone With the Wind.
Belle was the most notorious whore in Atlanta, yet she could always be counted upon in times of crisis. She gave actual gold money rather than worthless Confederate dollars to the woefully underfunded hospital, provided an alibi for (pussified loser) Ashley Wilkes when he was shot illegally raiding the shantytown where Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy was attacked while driving her buggy, and dispensed sage advice to Rhett Butler regarding his marital woes. She wore slutty clothes and perfume, dyed her hair, didn't give a fuck what anyone thought, constantly swilled champagne, and ran the most happening brothel in town. I have no idea if Billie here would give money to help wounded soldiers during wartime, but I have no doubt that in every other way, she is as shrewd and entrepreneurial as Belle (apparently she had some sort of extremely elaborate money laundering scheme going on to take the criminal taint off her millions in earnings). She's certainly got the hooker hotness down pat.
I say kudos to Eliot Spitzer for finally demonstrating some real taste in his prostitutes. That Ashley Alexandra Dupre chick was too girl-next-door for my liking; I like my hoes to look like they just came to life and walked off a blow-up doll assembly line. Thank you, Billie Davis, for not getting your money out of harm's way in time to skip town, because I expect you to grace the cover of New York's finest tabloid newspaper and inspire 70-point bad puns for months to come.
Labels: crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, hot chicks, large exclamatory font, politics, PWT, sex, sluts
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