Monday, March 17, 2008
Erin go Bragh Humbug
I totally forgot that it was St. Patrick's Day until I got to work and everyone was like, "Where are you going drinking for St. Patty's Day tonight?" I roll my eyes and responded with a bitchy "NOWHERE." This is partly because I have to get up at 4:30 a.m. to start a really long experiment tomorrow, and partly because St. Patrick's Day just annoys me.
There was a time when I thought St. Patrick's Day was a great excuse to get loaded and wear my grandfather's old "Erin go bragh" pin. Unfortunately, I got loaded one too many times on Irish car bombs and Jameson shots, lost my late grandfather's treasured "Erin go bragh" pin, and realized that I actually hate St. Patrick's Day. I don't like wearing green, I really don't like people thinking that they have license to pinch me for not doing so, drinking Guinness makes me feel like I just consumed a seven course meal, corned beef and cabbage sucks, and bars are nightmarishly crowded and annoying on St. Patty's. Irish drinking music is crappy, leprechauns are only cool if they creatively kill people after delivering corny puns and limericks, and the absolute worst type of drunks come out to guzzle on St. Patrick's Day. They should rename St. Pat's "amateur night for alcoholics," because every two-beer queer in America with a speck of Irish heritage is out vomiting Guinness and starting fights.
My friend HotLawyer says you should always go to a Mexican joint on St. Pat's and an Irish bar on Cinco de Mayo, because these two nights are so notorious for drawing out every dilettante drunkard in the area to annoy the real alcoholics with. I wholeheartedly agree, because every time I've found myself in an Irish bar on this Catholic feast day, I've been getting green beer spilled on my tits by novice lushes who haven't had a drink since New Year's Eve (another night that brings out the baby drinkers in force), and thus get staggeringly drunk before 10 o'clock. I get jostled, and thanks to the proliferation of incompetent boozehounds, it takes forever to get to the bar and get a damn drink. Since my alcoholism is at an extremely advanced expert level, it makes me decidedly cranky when I get thirsty between cocktails because I can't get a refill in a timely manner.
Therefore, I'm not doing a damn thing to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I'm not wearing a speck of green, and if someone wants to try to pinch me, I'll be glad to punch them in return. The closest thing I'm going to do to a celebration of the celibate loser who drove all the snakes from Ireland (allegedly...I don't believe that) is hit on a redheaded bartender at the NON-Irish bar I'm going to get ONE happy hour drink at with I'mNotRussianGoddammit, who is a cranky Albanian and about as far from feeling celebratory about the land of Erin as a girl can get. Fuck my Irish heritage, fuck four-leaf clovers, fuck lesbians with Celtic armband tats, fuck green shit, fuck Notre Dame, fuck soda bread, fuck inexperienced drinkers, and FUCK ST. PATTY'S DAY!
Labels: alcoholism, defiance, retard rage, scathing indictments
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And FUCK menstrual cycles because you're obviously PMSing right now!
# posted by 
: 3/17/2008 1:34 PM
: 3/17/2008 1:34 PM
Agreed 100% - glad to hear I'm not alone on this.
Anon - what would you have said if Razzy was a guy? Retarded statement.
Anon - what would you have said if Razzy was a guy? Retarded statement.
# posted by : 3/17/2008 1:37 PM
: 3/17/2008 1:37 PM
I'm not PMSing...not even close, in fact, if you must know, I just finished being on the rag.
I don't need my period as an excuse to be a big old bitch. It comes naturally to me all month long.
I don't need my period as an excuse to be a big old bitch. It comes naturally to me all month long.
I agree, St. Patty's Day is totes amateur night! The only way I will celebrate the holiday from now on is if I happen to be in the country of Ireland, b/c Dublin and Galway are the shit!
Nice comment, Mr. Cromwell. That said, I have to thank Razzy for the credit on my theory regarding fake partiers. They are SO whatever. And so is St. Patrick's Day. I mean, if you are Irish (not the ninth generation in this country), no bones to pick. It just seems like another attempt to divert our attention from NCAA basketball (which, this year, I'm going to shine in favor of the CBI--Dawgs are a one seed there!!!!!!) Go DAWGS.
# posted by : 3/17/2008 4:07 PM
: 3/17/2008 4:07 PM
Shut your fat yap before I kick you in the uterus. The English had the good sense to sequester the Irish on a little rock in the sea. We, on the other hand, let the Irish invaded this country like a horde of locust, spreading their drunken, pale seed far and wide. Now almost every American mutt proclaims Irish heritage, which is a little like being proud to be the spawn of mentally retarded parents.
Go stuff another donut in that gaping maw of yours, fatboy.
Go stuff another donut in that gaping maw of yours, fatboy.
# posted by : 3/17/2008 4:44 PM
: 3/17/2008 4:44 PM
All fucking weekend long, there has been nothing but those amateur drunkards that Razzy spoke of everywhere around here, and also a massive amount of Pigs to bust them all too, I mean they even did roadside sobriety checks on Sunday night because that is how many there are out and about. Saturday night, I almost ran one over because his bitch could barely hold him up, he was so fucked up as he wobbled down the sidewalk. The vasy majority of these dorks are not even Irish, let alone Catholic, all they see is some drinking holiday so I fucking hate this "holiday" as well.
As my great grandmother allegedly used to say, "If I thought I had a drop of Irish blood in me, I'd open a vein and let it out."
# posted by : 3/17/2008 9:43 PM
: 3/17/2008 9:43 PM
Razzy
Finally there is someone outside of the medical profession I can say I know of that absolutely despises St. Patty's. I'm 1/4 Irish, myself, and I hate this day with a passion, mostly because I always seem to be on duty for it. In a 13-hour shift, I'll be the designated driver for anywhere from 10 to 15 people completely pissed out of their minds from all corners of Hoboken over to the emergency rooms of local hospitals so they can wake up in the morning in a strange place and wonder where they are and why they're missing their pants. The rest of the trucks on usually pick up the remaining 30 or so. And god help me if I'm the poor sap actually stuck in the back with these mindless idiots. Vomit, piss, various other bodily fluids are usually what goes flying around the back of the ambulance. Throw St. Patrick's off the calender and every EMT in every major city in the country will have smiles on their faces...at least until New Year's, when the rest of the mindless idiots come out.
Finally there is someone outside of the medical profession I can say I know of that absolutely despises St. Patty's. I'm 1/4 Irish, myself, and I hate this day with a passion, mostly because I always seem to be on duty for it. In a 13-hour shift, I'll be the designated driver for anywhere from 10 to 15 people completely pissed out of their minds from all corners of Hoboken over to the emergency rooms of local hospitals so they can wake up in the morning in a strange place and wonder where they are and why they're missing their pants. The rest of the trucks on usually pick up the remaining 30 or so. And god help me if I'm the poor sap actually stuck in the back with these mindless idiots. Vomit, piss, various other bodily fluids are usually what goes flying around the back of the ambulance. Throw St. Patrick's off the calender and every EMT in every major city in the country will have smiles on their faces...at least until New Year's, when the rest of the mindless idiots come out.
Okay okay… people drink on St Patrick’s Day. The same losers pickle themselves on New Years, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and at every wedding they attend. Do you hate weddings too? Its not the holiday, because the Irish rock and you’re just jealous bitches with no sense of culture or family history. The problem is the dorks that think they can handle themselves but can’t. Probably like you used to be, but you’ve matured a little and now you know you can’t handle yourself, so you stay home.
# posted by : 3/19/2008 1:13 AM
: 3/19/2008 1:13 AM
Anon Above ^
I don't think any of us are saying we hate the holiday. Far from it. We hate the morons who ABUSE the holiday and Irish culture in general by taking this a a cue to do the one thing they think all Irish do on a daily basis: go out to the pub and get completely shit-faced. The holidays and occasions you mentioned are fine with me, and some are events/parties I enjoy going to. But I go there for the event, not the fact that there's going to be mass quantities of alcohol there and, if I play my card right with the bartender, I may just be able to drink myself into a stupor or coma, whichever comes first.
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I don't think any of us are saying we hate the holiday. Far from it. We hate the morons who ABUSE the holiday and Irish culture in general by taking this a a cue to do the one thing they think all Irish do on a daily basis: go out to the pub and get completely shit-faced. The holidays and occasions you mentioned are fine with me, and some are events/parties I enjoy going to. But I go there for the event, not the fact that there's going to be mass quantities of alcohol there and, if I play my card right with the bartender, I may just be able to drink myself into a stupor or coma, whichever comes first.
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