Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Helping hands
Enough with all the serious talk about my legal drama, it's time for what Robert Sylvester Kelly would deem REAL TALK. That means any subject raunchier and funnier than making bullshit attacks on my first amendment rights to free speech, and today that means HANDJOBS.
I was having the following conversation with one of my male friends the other day over Gchat, and somehow handjobs came up.
Razzy: who gives those anymore?This male love of handjobs was news to me. I can't remember the last time I jerked a dude off, or that a dude requested said sex act. Don't get me wrong, I grab my honeys' weiners all the time, but I rarely commit to an honest-to-goodness tugging sesh lasting more than a couple of minutes before I replace my hand with either my mouth or my vagina. In fact, the closest thing to a handjob I have performed not in prehistory was sending my college boyfriend Benzo a wax mold of my hand in the international sign for beating off to remind him of me while I was away doing an internship in California for the summer...of 1998. I always figured that guys could always do it better themselves than I ever could since they have had so much more practice spanking it than myself. Besides, I have a Catholic schoolgirl's blowjob abilities, and the popularity of that particular means of penis stimulation may have blinded me to the fact that handjobs are still in vogue.
Dude: LOL
Razzy: that's like a $5 hooker in a car
Dude: I love them actually
Razzy: i haven't wanked a guy in AGES
Razzy: i just go straight in with the BJ
Dude: you should go back to old school and start handing out (wink) the hj's
Razzy: maybe i should!
Razzy: i didn't realize they were such a fave with the fellas
Dude: they're awesome
Dude: when performed right
I've always thought handjobs were the province of inexperienced, nervous teenage girls and female serial killers selling their bodies from under overpasses on I-95. They seemed almost outdated to me, like some type of sexual albatross, relegated along with diaphragms, belted maxi-pads, and douching to the annals of sexual and reproductive history. Handjobs make me think of some greasy, bloated dude with a comb over and an unfortunate fetish for Old Spice in a 1985 Dodge Aries propositioning herpetic tweakers along South Tacoma Way, not the educated professionals that I prefer to have drunk sex with.
Clearly, I need to adjust my sexual strategies in the future. As an accomplished slut, I can't feel good about my prowess in the sack if I'm depriving the honeys of something so enjoyable. I think I'd better perform a little experiment to investigate the true demand for going "old school." I'll come right out of the gate with a handjob, and see if the guy likes it or not. If not, I'll find out if my technique is the problem, or if they just don't like handjobs. I'll then publish my findings on prevalence of handjob preference in a peer-reviewed journal (except by "journal" I mean "RAZZY.org," and by "peer-reviewed," I mean "totally not peer-reviewed unless you count Chingy! and Caesar occasionally sniffing at and/or shedding on my laptop").
Or you could save me a lot of trouble and a brutal case of carpal tunnel syndrome by just weighing in with some comments. TOPIC: Handjobs, yea or nay? Go.
Labels: intentional buffoonery, perversion, Razzification, sex, sluts, weiners
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Not sure who this dude is, but you must STOP immediately! Do NOT listen to him, and DO NOT adjust your sexual strategy. The only hand jobs happening on my wank are by myself. True intercourse and BJ's are always the way to go. The only time I could think of when a girl should give a guy a full hand job is when they've done every other kind of sexual act and position with each other, that they're just trying to "mix it up" a little for variety. Face it, I could never get a HJ better from anyone else other than myself. I get bored and frustrated when someone else tries to do "my job" for me. What I cannot do for myself is sex acts and BJ's (believe me I've tried, and hurt my back twice). Sounds like what you've been doing so far is working great. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! my 2 cents.
JJ
JJ
# posted by 
: 3/12/2008 10:50 AM
: 3/12/2008 10:50 AM
(believe me I've tried, and hurt my back twice).
^^this
Think of vertebrae Razz.
I always wondered how every guy I know has a bad back. /shrug.
^^this
Think of vertebrae Razz.
I always wondered how every guy I know has a bad back. /shrug.
Razzy
I think it all depends on the guy. It also depends on where. One of the things that I enjoy is a nice wank by various members of the fairer sex sitting in the seat beside me as I drive down the freeway doing about 90 and completely taking advantage over the fact I have a badge and most cops leave me alone as I 'accidentally' flash it while pulling out my license. A nice sound BJ usually follows, though, so that usually takes care of the mess that typically follows.
That said, there's also the idea of handjobs in bed. I see them as a good starter, leading up to the main event, or as a nice way to finish if my girl doesn't want me to finish in her or if she's just feeling kinky and wants me to nut on her tits. I really suppose it all comes down to who you're doing and where you're doing it. If the guy you're with for the night seems to like it, if anything you can get a nice 'I'll wank you and you finger me' deal out of it if nothing else. Otherwise, I suppose you might be able to feel the right time to grab a good grip of dick and just wank until they explode. And if you want a test subject, I'll more than happily volunteer my services. :)
I think it all depends on the guy. It also depends on where. One of the things that I enjoy is a nice wank by various members of the fairer sex sitting in the seat beside me as I drive down the freeway doing about 90 and completely taking advantage over the fact I have a badge and most cops leave me alone as I 'accidentally' flash it while pulling out my license. A nice sound BJ usually follows, though, so that usually takes care of the mess that typically follows.
That said, there's also the idea of handjobs in bed. I see them as a good starter, leading up to the main event, or as a nice way to finish if my girl doesn't want me to finish in her or if she's just feeling kinky and wants me to nut on her tits. I really suppose it all comes down to who you're doing and where you're doing it. If the guy you're with for the night seems to like it, if anything you can get a nice 'I'll wank you and you finger me' deal out of it if nothing else. Otherwise, I suppose you might be able to feel the right time to grab a good grip of dick and just wank until they explode. And if you want a test subject, I'll more than happily volunteer my services. :)
Ah, good topic. I suppose I'll add my two cents.
Personally, unlike JJ, I would never call HJ-ing it "my job." First off, as I'm sure you understand perfectly, Razzy, having another person's body part(s) doing the touching makes an undeniable difference. I may know better than anyone else how to rub one out of me, but that doesn't altogether make it feel better. Think about it. It works the same way with massages and tickling, too; a second-party pair of hands is always better — or, in the case of tickling, more inescapably effective. Fucking tickling. Anyway, my first point is this: despite the opposition, giving an HJ (especially as a warm-up) is not something a sex fan like yourself should be afraid of. There's nothin' wrong with a good HJ.
On the other hand, I still have to agree with the consensus: BJs are definitely better. And considering your fellatio-giving prowess, Razzy, I doubt many guys would complain if you just stuck with what you're good at.
All in all, unless you find out that the (atypical) guy you're pleasuring prefers hand jobs, I recommend you just keep doing what you're doing. You mention using your hands sometimes to get things going and then following up with the good stuff, and that is practically an award-winning combination. Keep that sort of strategy in your play book and you won't have much to worry about.
—Tom
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Personally, unlike JJ, I would never call HJ-ing it "my job." First off, as I'm sure you understand perfectly, Razzy, having another person's body part(s) doing the touching makes an undeniable difference. I may know better than anyone else how to rub one out of me, but that doesn't altogether make it feel better. Think about it. It works the same way with massages and tickling, too; a second-party pair of hands is always better — or, in the case of tickling, more inescapably effective. Fucking tickling. Anyway, my first point is this: despite the opposition, giving an HJ (especially as a warm-up) is not something a sex fan like yourself should be afraid of. There's nothin' wrong with a good HJ.
On the other hand, I still have to agree with the consensus: BJs are definitely better. And considering your fellatio-giving prowess, Razzy, I doubt many guys would complain if you just stuck with what you're good at.
All in all, unless you find out that the (atypical) guy you're pleasuring prefers hand jobs, I recommend you just keep doing what you're doing. You mention using your hands sometimes to get things going and then following up with the good stuff, and that is practically an award-winning combination. Keep that sort of strategy in your play book and you won't have much to worry about.
—Tom
# posted by : 3/13/2008 2:10 AM
: 3/13/2008 2:10 AM Links to this post:
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