Thursday, March 06, 2008
R. Beast
Loyal Razzyphile Big Rump just e-mailed me to advise me of all sorts of useful information. For starters, did you know that my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson is running a CELEBRITY GOSSIP BLOG? It's true...it has articles about Lil' Kim having lesbian sex and shamelessly promotes some kind of diss video 50 Cent made about Fat Joe called "Elephant in the Sand" (*snicker*). If anyone was born to bust on celebrities for totally arbitrary and capricious reasons, it's my man Curtis. This is following up on another hilarious video Big Rump passed along, in which Fitty responds to a Fat Joe dissing him on Power105 ("don't mess up my teeth...I just got these, man!"). Needless to say, Big Rump went sailing on the internets and returned with a ship laden with the Razzy equivalent of silk, spices, and indigo.
Anyway, the best thing Big Rump passed along, however, has to be this link to a little song called "I'm a Beast" that a certain King/Pied Piper/R-uh of R&B has chosen to bless the music listening public with.
YES! A fresh Kells jam to tide me over until TP Fourth Quarter drops later this year! Supposedly this song is about Kells's feud with Ne-Yo. In the interest of informing those who aren't pathologically obsessed with R. Kelly like I am about the background of this beef, let me briefly reiterate what has transpired thus far. Ne-Yo was supposed to open for Kells on his (mindblowingly awesome) Double Up tour. Ne-Yo apparently wanted more money or was unhappy with his contract or something, so he left the tour before it barely got started. Instead of just moving on with his life, Ne-Yo decided to get some press for something besides being R&B's most obvious closet homo next to Usher by suing R. Kelly for firing him out of jealousy over Ne-Yo's talent. This is worthy of some audible laughter, since the man who has penned lines like "up in my room, you screamin, 'Hercules! Hercules!'", "gonna go down on my knees and ax that ass to marry me," and "the next time your ass gets horny, go fuck one of your funky-ass friends...hell, you're probably already doing that shit anyway" is hardly bothered by a twink singing about how sexy his she-male life partner looks when (s)he's mad. Fag, please.
Anyway, Ne-Yo should be shaking in his boots, because Kells did not decide to handle this one in court. R. Kelly has bigger fish (ie: four felony child pornography counts) to fry in the legal department, so rather than distract any of his attorneys with Ne-Yo's bullshit lawsuit, he decided to deal with this himself, and on his terms. Specifically, he hit the Chocolate Factory and laid down this track, or in his words, "call the hits my lawyer cause they got me out on bail." Big Rump characterized this as "garbage," but I must disagree, unless by "garbage" he means "UNADULTERATED GENIUS." Go listen to it now, or if you are too lazy to do so, here's the lyrics:
Ayyyyy-ayyyyyy-ayyyyyAh-ah-ah-ah-ah(CHORUS)So get it understood, boyI'm from the hood, boyCame up from the dirtSelf-made hustlaI'm a beastI'm a beast(Rapping--verse 1)I'm surrounded by these devil mouths all talkin about KellsSome say I came from heaven but I rose up from hellAnd ever since I rose up success has been my saleSo call the hits my lawyer cause they got me out on bailNever been a snitch, boyNever been a bitch, boyWhy I gotta hate on you?Look at me, I'm rich, boy!You need a steering wheel, the way you ride my dick, boy!You say you's a go getta, go get your own shit, boy!What is it gonna take for you motherfuckers to understand I'm the R&B boss?Kells think he'll ride--nah, bitch, I'm just tryin' to get my point across.Niggas hatin' on niggas, man y'all know you keep up shit!That's why when it comes to these hits, I'm-a keep up shit!Keep risin to the top, keep getting that moneyKeep laughin' at you clowns, 'cause you clowns is funny!I been grindin' for 17 years, tryin' to keep the peaceBut now, you motherfuckers done brought out the BEAST!(CHORUS 2X)(Rapping--verse 2)When I was young, all my dreams seemed so farComin' up was so hardNow I'm a rock star cause all I do is rock broads.I stays on fire, just look at the hot cars.You need a hit from Kells, alright, my nigga, no prob.I'm clean but I'm dirtI'm good but I'm the worstI'm last and I'm the firstI'm blessed and I'm cursedBut my career is soaring while my life is a hot messBut the depth of my struggle determines the height of my successI BELIEVE THATWhatever billion dollars--tryin' to see thatWhatever billion--I'm-a be still axin' "where the weed at?"Hit lots of clubs, take lots of shots of PatronHold my middle finger up, tell haters to get the fuck onStay shinin', boyStay grindin', boyKeep these fine-ass bitches straight eyein' it, boy!Now where you gonna hear a better nameThan 17 years in the game?Still continuing to make it rainAnd put these fools to shame...I'm a BEAST!(CHORUS 2X)(Conversational interlude)Wait a minute, wait a minute, where you goin?You ain't goin' no-motherfuckin'-where, I got more to say, bitch! Look at me.(Rapping--verse 3)Y'all smile in my face and talk shit in back of meI got the ball, I'm tryin' to shoot but y'all niggas keep hackin' me!Could it be that I'm a king 'cause R&B been good to me?Or could it be that you's a lame that hate the game and can't be me!I used to rep the Chi, but now I know my worthI still rep the Chi, but Earth is my turf, nigga!I been around the world,Thrown bitches round the world,Heard rumors round the world,Still I'm touring round the world!Talk about me on your records to make your sales better,Play it backwards, it'll probably say "Kells is as cold as ever."So don't think this is a songIt's a taste of my wrathBack to you, nervous nigga,I got a dick and a half!(CHORUS 2X)(Conversational fade)Ha ha, I got your ass!I would call out some motherfuckin names,But there's so many of you motherfuckers hate me,The song ain't motherfuckin long enough, bitch ass niggas.Fade that shit...Maybe on the remix, nigga, I'll call your name out.You gotta stay tuned for that shit, I'm trying to sell records.Bitch, I'm a businessman.
While this may not be the greatest contribution to Kells's brilliant repertoire of mackadelic nightspot realness, I have no doubt that Robert Sylvester Kelly, self-made hustla reppin' the Chi, indeed has a dick and a half. He is, after all, a mountain, a tall tree, a swift wind sweeping the country, a river down in the valley, a vision that sees clearly, that star up in the sky, a mountain peak on high, that little bit of hope when your back's against the ropes, a giant, an eagle, a lion down in the jungle, a marching band, the people, a helping hand, a hero, a light at the end of the tunnel, and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...in other words, the World's Greatest! And really, he's always hearing a bunch of old bullshit like "Robert, you did this, Kells, I heard you did that," so it's high time he gave the haters a heaping helping of his ire.
Oh, and as for the names he didn't call? Well, I can think of a few off the top of my head, so you don't even have to stay tuned for the remix (which might be a wait, since per his own admission, he "usually doesn't do this (remixes)". Apart from the obvious Ne-Yo, Kells has issues with 50 Cent (who once infamously sang "there ain't nothin' wrong with pissin' on little girls" to the tune of "Bump 'n' Grind" and included the lyric "I'm pissin' on grown women, R. Kelly do it to children" on his latest album Curtis), Jay-Z (who precipitated the collapse of their Unfinished Business tour when his bodyguard maced Kells backstage at Madison Square Garden), Cam'ron (due to some sort of unauthorized remix-making), former publicist Regina Daniels (who quit and talked trash to the press when Kells boned her PERFECTLY LEGAL 20-year old daughter), and Assistant State's Attorney Shauna Boliker (the prosecutor in his impending child porn trial). Although he has a natural inclination to ball rather than hate, I can't blame him for giving these assholes their due. You go, Beast! Hold that middle finger up and tell the haters to get the fuck on!
Labels: 50 cent, correspondence, hot dudes, I LOVE IT, Razzyphiles, Robert Sylvester Kelly, vulgar display of faggotry
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