Friday, March 07, 2008
Twathopper is ready to spring
Although I've been trying to dispense useful advice about running a stable of hos and becoming technically proficient at girl-girl sex to my lesbian apprentice Twathopper, she hasn't had much luck with the ladies. By "luck with the ladies" I mean she hasn't gotten further than second base. Her problem is that she doesn't know how to pick decent girls. Her first would-be girlfriend, Writersprout, was so lame that her hobbies are baking vegan cupcakes and SUBLETTING. Sure, I'd like to experience living in other New York neighborhoods too, but moving every three months? Sha right...get a life, loser. She then went on a couple dates, one with some overbearing bulldyke who asked her 5 minutes into the date if she had "any questions to ask me about the lesbian community" because this bitch was so confident in her stereotypical representation of the lady gays that she appointed herself spokesbitch for all of us (yes, I'm including bisexuals like me under the heading of "lady gays.") Her next would-be girlfriend, Sarah Babysits, hasn't put out after like 10 dates, is a former tweaker, current pill-popping drug addict, and perennial compulsive liar, and is an adult who actually BABYSITS for a living. Twathopper just tried to dump Sarah Babysits via text message but the girl was so dumb she actually thought Twathopper was FLIRTING with her. Twathopper's record with the ladies so far is a cautionary tale as to why Nerve.com is not a fertile hunting ground for either a fulfilling relationship or a hot lay.
Anyway, Twathopper is a grown woman who has recently embraced her lesbianism in her late twenties. Therefore, she doesn't need to spend a lot of time processing about how she has gone "solstice;" she's ready to lose her lez virginity. Since it's not looking like Sarah Babysits is going to help out in this department (she's spit a lot of the "let's take it slow, I've been hurt before, so let's just kiss and talk" game that was so popular with the boobmashers on the four-year plan at Smith College) and since she's a despicable character anyway, I told Twathopper that she needs to drop her flies into a new honey hole.
There's just one problem with this: Twathopper's last trip to a place where lesbians congregate and drink was disastrous. She went with JerseyGirl and her boyfriend Kodiak to this hipster lezzie bar in Brooklyn called Cattyshack. Cattyshack is generally filled with the New York City equivalent of the Smith College BDOC (Big Dyke on Campus): androgynous, too-cool-for-school bitches who drink PBR from a can for kitsch value, read and/or publish zines, brag about their love of bands nobody's ever heard of, carry messenger bags manufactured by either Brooklyn Industries or Manhattan Portage, and wear cumbersome glasses whether they need vision correction or not. I'm under the impression that Twathopper likes cute, femmy brunettes, so the selection of available women at Cattyshack wasn't really her style. Furthermore, she's got a problem with nerves. According to all accounts, one of the hot lipstick chicks there took a shine to Twathopper and JerseyGirl took it upon herself to bring her over to meet Twathopper, and according to Twathopper herself, she "bugged." She ran outside to smoke a cigarette and thus effectively clitblocked herself. I advised her that fleeing in terror from interested hot chicks is not an effective strategy for picking up pussy at the gay bar.
So this weekend, I am taking it upon myself to get Twathopper laid. On Saturday night, we will be slutted out and getting trashed at this fine establishment in the Village of the West, the aptly named Cubby Hole:
Originally this was supposed to be a big group outing, but JerseyGirl and Kodiak bailed because they have to get up early and go running on Sunday. This is just as well, because I think a big part of Twathopper's problem is nervousness about having an audience for her maiden voyage into Oyster Bay. Therefore, we're going out for dinner (raw fish...OF COURSE) with JerseyGirl and Kodiak first, where I plan to ensure that Twathopper is well-lubed with vodka martinis prior to hitting the lesbian bar with just me. And not that I'm some kind of lesbo pick-up artist or something, but I'm enough of a player, a drunk, and a generally competent barfly to be a useful wingslut in exactly this situation. Besides, maybe I'll nail some hot chick too!
Razzy: so jerseygirl made us sushi reservations for 7:30 pm saturday!I have high hopes for Twathopper. After Saturday, she's going to be--per her terminology--"legit solstice." Before you know it, she'll be an old pro capable of sucking the pink out of a salmon. TRUST.
Twathopper: word up
Twathopper: sushi! then lezzies.
Twathopper: perfecto
Razzy: tuna fest
Razzy: it's going to be rad
Twathopper: hahahah
Twathopper: it shall
Twathopper: no matter what happens, i know you and i can certainly make a night out one for the books
Razzy: FA SHO!
Twathopper: i feel shots coming on
Twathopper: yes razzy, yes i do
Razzy: hopefully you will at least conquer your fear of talking to lesbians in social settings
Twathopper: that would be good
Razzy: or at least talking to unfamiliar lesbians
Razzy: particular unfamiliar but cute lesbians who are trying to talk to you
Twathopper: true that
Twathopper: hopefully some lesbian ground will be broken and officially conquered on sat night
Twathopper: and it's better that a bunch of other people don't come b/c i get pretty self conscious with them there
Razzy: yeah i think that when it's a group thing there's more pressure for you
Razzy: like, "let's all watch twathopper try to hit on chicks"
Twathopper: EXACTLY
Razzy: i will be too busy trying to get pussy for myself to pay too much attention to criticizing your moves
Razzy: i mean, of course i'll help out wingman style
Twathopper: i just told my other friends i wouldn't meet them out b/c of this
Twathopper: i'm all balls this week
Twathopper: yesssss
Razzy: NICE
Razzy: that's the spirit, twathopper!
Twathopper: so hopefully it'll transfer over to sat night
Razzy: well i hope so
Razzy: and again,
Razzy: since it's not like twathopper the lesbian show
Razzy: hopefully it will be like a nice, normal night
Razzy: you know
Razzy: go have some drinks
Razzy: find some honey
Razzy: bang her brains out
Twathopper: getting drunk and making out
Twathopper:: hahaha
Razzy: or that
Twathopper: find some honey
Razzy: yeah!
Razzy: we'll make sure you drink plenty of liquid courage before we hit the cubby hole
Twathopper: i'm always at my best when there's no expectations on the night
Razzy: exax
Twathopper: oh totes
Razzy: maybe we'll run into sarah babysits
Razzy: oh wait, she's probs babysitting
Razzy: or getting zonked on OCs and Xanax and meth
Twathopper: ding ding ding
Twathopper: she babysits like every sat night
Twathopper: loser
Twathopper: prolly half coked out on OCs
Razzy: here is Sarah Babysits's CV:
Razzy: Experience:
Razzy: 1. Babysitting
Razzy: 2. Methamphetamine addiction
Twathopper: AHAHAHAHA
Razzy: 3. Prescription pill devourer
Razzy: 4. Lesbian virgin
Razzy: 5. Self-involved prude
Twathopper: 5. Text message connoisseur
Razzy: 6. Bad liar
Razzy: 7. Dumbass unable to recognize withering sarcasm
Twathopper: 8. horrible communication skills
Razzy: 9. Ugly
Twathopper: well i can't say that
Razzy: (okay, she's not ugly, but i just hate her)
Twathopper:: but i should start
Razzy: she's ugly on the inside!
Razzy: Yeah, I'd hire her to watch my kids
Twathopper: yeah 9. hated by twathopper's friends
Razzy: TRUTH
Razzy: and we haven't even met her
Twathopper: hahahaha
Razzy: but i can tell you she is assuredly despicable
Twathopper: assuredly
Razzy: 10. Bev Niner fan POSEUR [RAZZY Edit: Sarah Babysits claims she loves "Beverly Hills, 90210" despite being only 23.]
Twathopper: i know!
Twathopper: b/c she was honestly in FIRST grade when it started
Razzy: 11. Dork and pukemeister [RAZZY Edit: this derogatory insult can be attributed to Kelly Taylor regarding a certain David Silver vomiting out of her convertible BMW on the way home from the "underground club" where Emily Valentine slipped U4EA into Brandon Walsh's Sprite]
Twathopper: and she said her mom let her watch that shit
Twathopper: uhh a 7 yr old watching that?
Razzy: 12. This bitch is never again [RAZZY Edit: Also courtesy of the incomparable Ms. Kelly Taylor]
Twathopper: yessssssssssssssss
Razzy:: if we run into her, i'm totz throwing a drink on her
Razzy: i can bring the lezzie dramz
Razzy: and i'm bringing drink-throwing back into vogue
Twathopper: yesssssss
Twathopper: this is gonna be fun
Razzy: yesterday it was (this one dude I boned)
Twathopper: omg!
Razzy: saturday it will be sarah babysits
Razzy: then, it's the world!
Razzy:: fear razzy and her flying glass of scotch!
Twathopper: guess who is SUBLETTING in the westr village right now
Twathopper: WRITERSPROUT
Twathopper: if we see her, it's on
Razzy: YESSSS
Razzy: although she probs hangs out at cattyshack since she's such a brooklyn snob
Twathopper: well when she does this subletting thing she really focuses on the "new neighborhood"
Twathopper: good god i hope we see her
Razzy: i hope we do too
Razzy: i'll keep my drink-throwing arm limber
Labels: alcoholism, hot chicks, lezbollah, NYC, sex, sluts, Twathopper
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Ahhhhh, Saturday is sure to be a night for the books. TRUST! Razzy is the shiznit.
# posted by 
: 3/07/2008 1:20 PM
: 3/07/2008 1:20 PM
Well, razzy...if anyone can school someone in "sucking the pink out of a salmon", its you! :)
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# posted by : 3/07/2008 8:18 PM
: 3/07/2008 8:18 PM 
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