Friday, April 18, 2008

 

Breakin' the laws

NO, I'm not talking about laws regarding defamation and libel. I take those very seriously, no matter what some crazy assholes might say. I'm talking about laws regarding sex. These used to make the news a lot more when they were seen as a way to harass and pester gay people. So-called "sodomy" laws made it illegal to be gay in some states, and rightfully these were overturned by the 2003 Supreme Court decision Lawrence vs. Texas. However, did you know that there are still some really stupid fucking sex laws on the books in various places? The "sodomy" laws (pertaining to oral and/or anal sex) are no longer valid as of 2003, but as far as I know, the rest of them are still technically enforceable.  

It turns out, I'm a criminal in several states and municipalities. This just goes to show that no matter how much I try to abide by the law, I still somehow manage to be a bad, bad girl. It's in my nature, I guess. 

Here's my rap sheet: 

1991: I showered nude in Florida.

1997: I engaged in "private sexual behavior" with a Marine (actually a Navy dude) in the bathroom of baggage claim 4 at Bradley International Airport in violation of Connecticut state law. 

2002: I had sex in the female superior and doggystyle positions in Washington, DC, where the only legal position is missionary. Well, and I fell off the bed headfirst while we were doing it doggystyle, so you could make the argument that for about five to ten seconds, I was executing a textbook reverse piledriver as well.  I'm pretty sure I also gave the lucky fella a blow job, but it's unclear as to whether this law would apply to that. 

1998 and 2003: I slept naked in Minnesota. 

1998: I reached climax before my partner in California during foreplay ("foreplay"=69). Several times. This law is not only obviously antiquated, but it was also clearly written by an insecure one minute man, because these days a guy who can make his girlfriend bust more than once before he finishes up is considered a keeper and a hot lay. 

2003-present: I regularly break New York's state law forbidding me from wearing "body-hugging clothing." Luckily New York state law also allows women to go topless in public so I'm in the clear there when I try to get some vitamin D for my tits every summer on Long Beach or Fire Island.

Now all I have to do is have anal sex in Cincinnati, bang someone I'm not married to in Georgia, suck someone off in Indiana, engage in a public display of affection with someone in Idaho for longer than 18 minutes, fuck a porcupine in Florida, conduct business in Nevada while wearing a penis costume, fuck in a graveyard in North Carolina (good thing that law's not in Puyallup, Washington because I did that there in 1996), get laid in a meat freezer in Newcastle, Wyoming, and have sex in a parked car in Carlsbad, New Mexico without the curtains drawn.  I'll be a criminal legend on par with Akon.  Now I better keep an eye out for a warrant-wielding cop as well as a process server.

Labels: , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 8:39 AM
Comments:
Wow, you're really a criminal! The only two I'm guilty of are fucking a porcupine in Florida, and conducting business in Nevada while wearing a penis costume.

JJ

P.S. Is riding a bicycle blindfolded and naked on a Sunday afternoon while licking a strawberry ice cream cone still a crime in Delaware? Or did they finally get that one repealled? If so than I'm guilty of that one as well.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 4/18/2008 11:08 AM
 
As long as you fucked the porcupine in the missionary position, I think you're OK.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 4/18/2008 12:58 PM
 
No anal sex in Cincinnati? Snap, I broke that one. But just to help to complete your list, you can have that as a criminal offense.

~CS
# posted by Blogger Singer : 4/18/2008 4:04 PM
 
Post a Comment



Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]