Wednesday, April 23, 2008
BS and Lil' Wayne better than Mardi Gras
I was going to visit my friend LL Cool Jew in New Orleans this year for Mardi Gras, but I had a thesis committee meeting that week and couldn't afford the inflated price of the ticket around the Crescent City's most famous holiday. Therefore, I decided to visit in early June instead. LL Cool Jew and I have been busily planning all the things we're going to do (nerd out on historical tours and, in the words of Too $hort, eating food like a motherfucking fat bitch), and yesterday she came up with yet another must-do for our agenda:
LL Cool Jew: ange?
Razzy: hey hon
Razzy: what up?
LL Cool Jew: i have to tell you something amazing
me: please do!
LL Cool Jew: there is a britney spears museum in kentwood
LL Cool Jew: we are going when you come.
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Razzy: yES
Razzy: YES!
LL Cool Jew: actually, it is the kentwood historical and cultrual museum
LL Cool Jew: but it only has two exhibits
LL Cool Jew: 1) world war 2 veterans
LL Cool Jew: 2) britney spears
Razzy: and the legendary ms. britney spears
Razzy: YESSSSSSS!
LL Cool Jew: apparently they have a diorama of her childhood bedroom
Razzy: oh i can't wait!
Razzy: YES!
Razzy: i bet it's all pink
Razzy: blush and bashful
LL Cool Jew: the spearses actually gave items from britney's bedroom
LL Cool Jew: how freakshow and sick is that
Razzy: so fucking awesome
LL Cool Jew:oh yes dude
Razzy: i can't wait!
i mean, i couldn't wait already
LL Cool Jew: also there is a scale replica of the stage from her first tour
LL Cool Jew: complete with light show
Razzy: YES!
Razzy: can we dance on it?
LL Cool Jew: dude how are we going to do everything?
LL Cool Jew: we have to see teh britney spears museum
Razzy: i might have to bring some barbie hair to clip on for the occasion
Razzy: we MUST
Razzy: MUST
Razzy: MUST
LL Cool Jew: yes
LL Cool Jew: you are going to die when you see kentwood
LL Cool Jew: it is the trashiest nastiest town
Razzy: have you been?
Razzy: oh i can imagineLL Cool Jew: just driven through
Razzy: i'll probably feel right at home
Indeed, I am sure I will feel right at home in Kentwood. My hometown, after all, was featured on an episode of "My Big Redneck Wedding." Terms like "trashy" and "nasty" sound to me like "cozy" and "comfortable." Unlike Kentwood, however, Puyallup does have its own Wal-Mart. It has two of them, in fact.
LL Cool Jew: after making a wrong turn
LL Cool Jew: it doesn't even have a walmart dude
LL Cool Jew: that's why jamie lynn is going to mccomb mississippi all the time to buy her cases of dr. pepper
Razzy: jamie-lynn has to drive to the next town over to hit wal-mart with her baby daddy?
LL Cool Jew: shudder
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: and go to applebee's or TGIFridays for her b-day dinner
Razzy: too bad they don't do tours at "serenity"
Razzy: aka the Spears' "estate"
LL Cool Jew: well
LL Cool Jew: apparently at the BS museum they have Britney driving tours
Razzy: drive to serenity, then to the mccombs wal-mart, then to the sonic, then back to the BS museum?
LL Cool Jew: well we are DEFINITELY going to Sonic
LL Cool Jew: i always do
LL Cool Jew: they ain't got no Sonic in N.O.
LL Cool Jew: sadly
I know for a fact that Kentwood has a Sonic, because I have seen vintage paparazzi shots of Brit-Brit loading up on cheese dogs and peach-raspberry tea and chicken fingers or whatever the hell they have there. I have seen many Sonic commercials but I have yet to experience the culinary delights this fine establishment has to offer.
In addition to getting our Britney on, LL Cool Jew and I have another order of business to attend to during my visit: stalking my favorite Southern ass rappers. I've already demanded on several occasions to at least cruise by the Magnolia Projects in hopes of spying what Terius "Juvenile" Grey describes as "a player from the 'Nolia." The actual buildings Juvenile lived in are now abandoned, but LL Cool Jew is a good sport and has at least agreed to drive me by there. I've been getting stoked listening to New Orleans-based rappers. In this case, I was jamming to Birdman's 5-Star Stunna album.
Razzy: i'm listening to lil wayne right now!
Razzy: getting excited!
Razzy: ooooooooo can we stalk lil wayne?
LL Cool Jew: have you heard the new lollipop song?Razzy: oh yesRazzy: of courseLL Cool Jew: i don't know dude
LL Cool Jew: he scares me now
Razzy: why?
LL Cool Jew: i read this totally disturbing interview with him in XXL
Razzy: uh oh
LL Cool Jew: he is literally addicted to purple drank
LL Cool Jew: also
Razzy: well not shocked about that
LL Cool Jew: there was a story in the times-picayune recently
LL Cool Jew: about how he went back to his old middle school
LL Cool Jew: couldnt have gone back to his old high school because he did not go to high school
LL Cool Jew: and he was 30 minutes late
LL Cool Jew: and came to the school reeking of weed
LL Cool Jew: i mean, that is the school's bad for inviting him
Razzy: not shocked about that
LL Cool Jew: sure
LL Cool Jew: but at the same time
LL Cool Jew: he is like a feral animal
Razzy: well yes
Razzy: we can stalk at a safe distance
LL Cool Jew: i'll drive you by the magnolia projects
Razzy: i mean, i don't want to give him a reason to tattoo any more tears on himself
LL Cool Jew: as we've discussed
LL Cool Jew: in broad daylight
Razzy: of course
LL Cool Jew: where was lil wayne born?
Razzy: according to him, "Charity Hospital, AKA the City Zoo"
LL Cool Jew: yeah, i can drive you by there too
LL Cool Jew: it hasnt reopend since the storm
Razzy: is that where that doctor supposedly killed all those people?
LL Cool Jew:: exactly
Razzy: nice
Razzy: that makes sense that's where lil wayne came into the world
Razzy: per his wikipedia: "He was born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. and grew up in the Hollygrove neighborhood of New Orleans, Louisiana. Dwayne was in the gifted program at Lafayette Elementary School, and was in the drama club in middle school."
LL Cool Jew: hollygrove
LL Cool Jew: of course
Razzy: maybe he and i can bond about being in the "gifted program"...i was too!
LL Cool Jew: i've heard him namedrop hollygrove like 100 times in his jamz
Razzy: i wonder if he did mock city council in his gifted program like we did
Razzy: i'll leave out the part about how when we had to make large dioramas based on the book "The 21 Balloons"
The 21 Balloons was this book about this 19th-century fop inventor who winds up crash-landing his hot-air balloon on Krakatoa, only to discover that it's populated by a bunch of British expats running a bunch of creative ethnic restaurants. Ultimately this utopia is destroyed when Krakatoa catastrophically erupts. My gifted program spent an entire semester dissecting The 21 Balloons in the third grade.
LL Cool Jew: the perks of lil' wayne's gifted program probably included pencils
Razzy: some dumb ho (NOT ME) made an amusement park called "Krakatoa Kids Klub"
Razzy: AKA...KKK
Razzy: not joking
LL Cool Jew: head
LL Cool Jew: desk
LL Cool Jew: dude
Razzy: i questioned her inclusion into the gifted program after that
Razzy: what a dumb slag
Razzy: well, if i run info weezy f baby
Razzy: i'll ask him about his gifted program experiences
LL Cool Jew: (please say the baby)
Razzy: lol
Razzy: lol
Razzy: i'm totz listening to lil' wayne right now
Needless to say, when we're not touring the plantation on which Twelve Oaks from Gone With the Wind was based, eating various cajun-spiced invertebrates, and ogling swamp rats and gators while some guy named Butch Guchereaux (not kidding) shows us around the bayous, we're going to be enjoying the finest pop culture offerings Louisiana has to offer, bumping "Gimme More" and making that brrrrrr! sound that Birdman makes.
Labels: Britney Spears, Dirrty Dirrty, I LOVE IT, Lil' Wayne, LL Cool Jew
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