Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Buckle your survival suits
Only 5 episodes of the new season of “Deadliest Catch” have been posted so far on the Discovery website and already we can see that the King crab season is a very bumpy ride for the fishermen. Greenhorn issues, brushes with death, health deterioration, crab count problems, mechanical repairs at sea, and serious disagreements between skippers and crew are what we’ll be watching soon! And that’s just the beginning! Perhaps we should fasten our seatbelts…This indeed sounds like seatbelt-fastening-worthy excitement. But I need more specifics, like how often Captain Sig Hansen is going to show up and melt the screen off my television with his scalding hotness.
Episode 1
The crab fishing fleet once again sets off to brave the deadly Bering Sea and cash in on king crab. But first, Northwestern must quickly make much needed repairs. Wizard trains two greenhorns and Time Bandit welcomes Johnathan’s son Scott.
Uh oh, it sounds like Captain Sig is starting the season off on the wrong foot with some sort of mechanical fuckery on the mighty F/V Northwestern. However, I'm pleased to hear that there are more hotties from Clan Hillstrand joining the show.
Episode 2
The crews are off to stake their claims on coveted grounds, but the sea is not going to give up its bounty without a fight. The Time Bandit pulls a prank. After only 48 hours, one Wizard greenhorn is already starting to fall apart.
Those dumb greenhorns. They always cry like babies when their ship captain screams at them and bitch about everything. You're crabbing on the vast and tempestuous Bering Sea, not taking a pleasure cruise through the tropics, loser. Man up and fish.
Episode 3
A mechanical breakdown presses Northwestern’s Edgar to make a dangerous repair. Meanwhile questionable counting makes Sig lose his temper. Hard work separates the greenhorns on Wizard. On Cornelia Marie, Phil’s health is failing and impacts the crew.
My friend MillerTime is probably going to get all hot and bothered when her favorite Hansen brother gears up in a dry suit to fix the Northwestern's propellor or whatever. And you know I'm going to go into paroxysms of joy when Sig starts hollering at everyone aboard how fucking stupid he thinks they are. However, I will be very sad if Captain Phil has to hang up his captain's hat and cease wheezing good-natured banter with Captain Sig over their radios.
Episode 4
Greenhorns, skippers, and family fishing dynasties begin to crack. On Northwestern, Sig and Edgar have a “last man standing” contest to see who can fish the longest without sleep. Time Bandit’s Captn Johnathan has a brush with death.
Sig is going to win that one, obviously. Betting on Edgar over Sig is like taking pussified Paris over Hector in a bronze sword fight. Granted, I realize that since I once bet that the 2007 Miami Dolphins would beat the not-perfect Super Bowl-losing New England Patriots, I shouldn't criticize people betting on the underdog, but Sig is like the 2007 Patriots to the power of awesome. He can't lose. And Captain Johnathan has a brush with death every season. I can't wait to see if this brush with death is more compelling than last season when he pulled that deckhand out of the Bering Sea and was crying like a little girl while the guy hugged him, shouting, "You saved my fuckin' life, man!"
Episode 5
Tempers flare onboard Wizard and Northwestern. Time Bandit has a dangerous electrical short. On Cornelia Marie, Phil’s health deteriorates. Early Dawn runs headlong into high seas when its greenhorn falls asleep at the wheel.
YES, there's going to be lots of Sig losing it this season, as well as lots of dumb greenhorn problems. However, I'm worried about Captain Phil.
Who will sit in the Cornelia Marie wheelhouse if Captain Phil is forced (due to smoking-related health problems, I'm sure) to retire to Seattle and ride his custom Harleys around all day instead of mining the mighty Bering for red gold? It looks like Phil's son deckhand Jake will get a promotion sooner than he expected.
I cannot fucking wait thirteen more days for "Deadliest Catch" to kick off what will undoubtedly be its deadliest season yet, rife with violent maritime thrills, shipboard buffoonery, and smoking hot Scandinavians from the P-N-Dub. The only thing I'm disappointed about is that the F/V Farwest Leader, which boasted Ragnhild, the hottest Norwegian cook in the fleet, is no longer on the show. However, the proliferation of other hot Vikings (particularly those with the surname Hansen) can ideally fill the empty hole left by Ragnhild's departure.
If for some reason you don't watch this mind-blowingly awesome show, I strongly advise going to the Discovery Channel at 9 on April 15th. Once you go "Deadly," you never go back.
Labels: Deadliest Catch, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hot guys, I LOVE IT, TV
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