Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Daily Douchebag: cats
DOB: evolved circa 8000 B.C.
Occupation: being stuck-up assholes
Hometown: somewhere in the Near East
Current residence: everywhere
Douchebaggery: I definitely do not swing both ways when it comes to domestic pets; I am now and forever a staunch dog person and while I might have a taste for pussy sometimes, I can't stand cats. I am allergic to cats, so I have never developed any love for them. I can't touch them or be in the same room with them, and thus have never experienced any of this mystery endearing behavior that cats get up to sometimes. I actually don't think this behavior exists, and is something made up by cat fanciers to justify owning such asshole pets.
Dogs live to please their owners, even assholes like Chingy! In fact, the only reason I keep Chingy! around is because for all the evil mischief he perpetrates, he is ridiculously affectionate. My dogs generally behave themselves. When I go to sleep, they go to sleep. When I am ready to take them for a walk, they are ready for a walk. When I eat, well...okay, they beg. A dog's greatest joy is having a master who is happy with them. Dogs love their owners unconditionally. If I died tomorrow, my dogs would waste away mourning over my dead body. A cat, on the other hand, would probably eat my corpse.
Cats could give a fuck less whether you exist or not. Cats are interested solely in themselves, and they act like their owners should be grateful they get the opportunity to spoil them rotten. They are entirely self-serving, and go to great lengths to be assholes. If you are trying to sleep, for example, and a cat decides that it wants your attention, or it wants food, or it wants your space on the bed, it will paw at you and yowl and bite you until you are miserable enough to succumb to its demands. Cats do what they feel like without regard, and they demand spoiling. My mom's hairdresser when I was little had a cat that would shit on her stairs if she didn't put ice into its water. What a fucking asshole.
Also, cats have disgusting bathroom habits. I have to pick up my dogs' shit, but they go outside (usually) and it goes straight into the garbage. Cats, on the other hand, require humans to maintain a toilet for them at all time in the form of the reeking nastiness known as a litter box. If cats don't have a litter box, they'll appropriate anything handy without concern that it might be the property of a human: a Zen garden, a houseplant, or a sandbox. When I was a little kid, our family dog Levi would never have dreamed of shitting in my sandbox, but the neighbors' free-range cats did so frequently and copiously that I lost interest in playing with sand almost immediately after my father built my sandbox for me. By the time my brother Lil' Tevie was old enough to hit the sandbox, my parents had already declared it a child-free zone based on its function as a community litter box, and built us a swing set instead.
Even worse, cats carry far more zoonotic (transmissible from animal to human) diseases than dogs. Bartonellosis (cat-scratch fever) may have inspired the name to a hot-ass Ted Nugent song, but it also is a miserable bacterial infection that can persist for months. Cats can also transmit ringworm, a fungal infection that is spread when cats shed fungal spores all over your house and environment. These spores are very hardy, remain infectious for months, and are almost impossible to get rid of. Finally, cats normally harbor the parasitic prozoan Toxoplasma gondii, which causes toxoplasmosis. This can cause a fatal disseminated infection in patients with weakened immune systems, and cause pregnant women to miscarry.
I'm always very suspicious of "cat people." I don't understand why anyone would want a pet that is contemptuous, mean, haughty, shits on your stuff, and is a vector for disease. Yet "cat people" seem to be determined to accrue as many of these monsters as possible. The number of cats a person has inversely correlates to the amount of a life that person has. My mother used to work with this sad, lonely, extraordinarily unattractive woman who kept something in the neighborhood of fifteen cats in her apartment, and at Christmas, nobody wanted to eat the cookies she brought to work because they were so full of cat hair. I suspect that this poor woman is probably up to twenty-five or thirty cats by now, and thinking about getting another one. A person must truly be a masochist to surround themselves with a gang of stank, self-involved asshole pets with no redeeming qualities that I can see. Cats fucking suck.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, ranting
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Amen on that one sister! Cats are from the devil. There are only two good purposes for domestic cats on this earth. 1) To rid your outdoors of pesky vermin that might want to enter your home, 2) To keep your dogs in shape.
JJ
JJ
# posted by 
: 4/02/2008 10:02 AM
: 4/02/2008 10:02 AM 
Razzy - We are NOT cat fans either.
I hate their claws and those sandpaper tongues ... They're so shifty and shady and unpredictable. And they scare the crap out of L … I’m so worried that one day some fucking cat is going to slash or puncture his big, bulging marble eyes – because he’s fat and stupid and cannot move with stealth …
Don’t they make violin strings out of cats.
I applaud your post and I HATE FUCKING CATS.
L&L
I hate their claws and those sandpaper tongues ... They're so shifty and shady and unpredictable. And they scare the crap out of L … I’m so worried that one day some fucking cat is going to slash or puncture his big, bulging marble eyes – because he’s fat and stupid and cannot move with stealth …
Don’t they make violin strings out of cats.
I applaud your post and I HATE FUCKING CATS.
L&L
# posted by : 4/02/2008 6:28 PM
: 4/02/2008 6:28 PM
Cats do indeed suck, but so does that shitwad song "Cat Scratch Fever". Razzy I doubt seriously whether you have ever even heard a "Cat Scratch Fever" version of that song, when it came out in 1977, people shit bricks over it because they thought it referred to some kind of STD, so Nugent made like a little wimp and recorded an alternate version of it where he says "Cat Scratch Jeever." He also says "I got it from some kitty next door" on those, when the original lyric said "Pussy next door."
I have the only "Cat Scratch Fever" version of that song I know because I went out and bought that album the day it came out before they changed it and that somg sucks wad anyway, "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" and "Sweet Sally " are the tunes that fuckin rule on that album, even though that album changed Nugent from that bad-ass motherfucker jhat was legend in these parts to some pussy featured in mags like "Tiger Beat."
I have the only "Cat Scratch Fever" version of that song I know because I went out and bought that album the day it came out before they changed it and that somg sucks wad anyway, "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" and "Sweet Sally " are the tunes that fuckin rule on that album, even though that album changed Nugent from that bad-ass motherfucker jhat was legend in these parts to some pussy featured in mags like "Tiger Beat."
We have a new classic rock station here that plays CSF and it always says fever and pussy.
I don't wear cat clothes or hang up signs like "Parking for Cat Lovers Only" but I like cats. I'd like a dog too, but my lifestyle won't permit it. With a cat, you can leave it for the weekend with a litterbox, lots of dry food and water in various bowls and they are fine. And believe it or not, mine are actually glad to see me when I get back home. Dogs can't deal with being home alone like that, and I couldn't treat a dog like that knowing they would HATE it.
I don't wear cat clothes or hang up signs like "Parking for Cat Lovers Only" but I like cats. I'd like a dog too, but my lifestyle won't permit it. With a cat, you can leave it for the weekend with a litterbox, lots of dry food and water in various bowls and they are fine. And believe it or not, mine are actually glad to see me when I get back home. Dogs can't deal with being home alone like that, and I couldn't treat a dog like that knowing they would HATE it.
# posted by : 4/02/2008 9:13 PM
: 4/02/2008 9:13 PM
Old post, I know, but I thought I would speak up. I'm a cat person who also speaks fluent Dog. I absolutely love both... cats do edge slightly over dogs for me, but they both rule. Dogs... lockwired into the 'I Love You' position, would kill for you, die for you... I get all that.
Cats... Make an informed decision and pick and choose who they love... but when you get right down to it, the psychic bond is intense. I have twice had my life saved by the love of a cat.
Chingy sounds like a hoot! And one of my cats, my Bengal, would actually like him. She loves dogs! My three are very well behaved, actually, though. No peeing, no biting or clawing stuff up because... cue dramatic music... I train mine! It can be done. It just requires catnip and anchovies!
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Cats... Make an informed decision and pick and choose who they love... but when you get right down to it, the psychic bond is intense. I have twice had my life saved by the love of a cat.
Chingy sounds like a hoot! And one of my cats, my Bengal, would actually like him. She loves dogs! My three are very well behaved, actually, though. No peeing, no biting or clawing stuff up because... cue dramatic music... I train mine! It can be done. It just requires catnip and anchovies!
# posted by : 11/19/2009 2:50 AM
: 11/19/2009 2:50 AM Links to this post:
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