RazzyBlog: Daily Douchebag: Rumors that I've gone totally gayelle

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Daily Douchebag: Rumors that I've gone totally gayelle

Name: "I heard you don't like boys anymore"

DOB: 2008

Occupation: cockblocking me

Hometown: the internets

Current residence: my inbox

Douchebaggery: I just received an e-mail from a male Razzyphile who urged me to reconsider my new decision to be strictly not-dickly, a decision that was news to me. He also sent me a picture of his dick because he noticed that even though I'm supposedly now a lesbian, I acknowledged that I enjoy weiners and he wanted to remind me what I'd be missing. While I'm always happy to field pictures of Razzyphiles' genitalia, this compels me to address these rumors in the most clear manner possible.

I AM BISEXUAL. I AM *NOT* A LESBIAN.

I still like boys, and in fact, I prefer boys. As much as I think women are beautiful and sexy, and as much as I'm quite partial to a hot set of tits, there's just nothing like a good old-fashioned hard penis. Furthermore, I like the rest of the boy package too. I like chest hair and strong arms and hard pecs and the musky smell of balls. I like deep voices and bodies that are bigger than mine. I like sucking dick, and when it comes right down to it, I'd rather have a dick in my vagina than anything else. I also tend to get along better with men in relationships (though rare, I have been involved in these). I don't like to spend a lot of time processing about my feelings. I like to work through problems directly so we can get back to fucking. In the one disastrous relationship I had with a woman, we spent 95% of our time dissecting every last nuanced emotion regarding our sapphic coupling, which left very little room for actually getting physical or having any kind of fun. I know that there are lesbian relationships existing outside that paradigm, but I have yet to be involved in one, unless you count my "special girlfriend." I don't, since my main ho is one of my good friends that I just happen to sometimes have dirty girl-girl sex with, and it's not like we go on dates unless that term includes us getting shitfaced at bars and picking up guys to tag-team. I don't think she counts it as a technical "relationship" in the classical sense of the word either.

I'm not offended by people calling me a lesbian, because I don't think there's anything wrong with being a lesbian. If you want to restrict your diet to the sushi bar, it's none of my business. I think people should just fuck who they want and it shouldn't be a big deal to anyone. It's just that I'm not a lesbian. I'm bisexual, and irritated by the fact that bisexuality is often discounted as either a pitstop on the way to tuna town or an attention-getting technique rather than a legitimate sexual orientation.

Although it took me a while to come out as bisexual (mainly because I was splitting rhetorical hairs over whether or not I can consider myself that since I just bang chicks and don't have committed relationships with them), I am comfortable with that label and believe that it is an accurate description for my tastes in the bedroom. However, in my case, I have to quash these rumors that I've fully committed to carpet munching, because I don't want the fellas to be discouraged from trying to hit this hotness. As the term "bisexual" implies, I like to get busy with both men and women. My bisexuality is not some transitional stage meant to ease me into giving up dick altogether, nor is it some insincere show that I put on in order to attract men. I genuinely like having sex with people of both genders, and I'm still mystified by the apparent fact that this isn't clear to people, especially since I've addressed this directly in the past.

So, for the record, just because I'm down to let hot chicks sit on my face doesn't mean I've instituted a "No Boys Allowed" policy with regard to my vagina. My legs are still open for business, and by "business," I mean "dick." Feel free to continue sending me pictures of your weiners, though. Penis pictures make me smile.

Labels: Daily Douchebag, lezbollah, Razzification, sex, sluts, weiners