Monday, April 07, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: The Kansas Jayhawks
Name: The Kansas Jayhawks
DOB: February 4, 1899
Occupation: Kicking ass, stuffing baskets, owning the Muthafuckin' Tar Heels
Hometown: Allen Fieldhouse, Lawrence, Kansas
Current residence: Alamo Dome, San Antonio, TX
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: It's the National Championship, baby!
Make no bones about it: I am a Kansas fan, a Jayhawk, a Jayhawker, a chanter of "Rock Chalk," a yeller of "Beak 'Em," a member of the "Big Blue" and someone old enough to know that while it may not be over til the fat lady sings, she belted out quite a note on Saturday night. Not only did Kansas fans get to watch our Jayhawks mercilessly slaughter the storied and bitterly rivaled North Carolina Tar Heels, but we did it with the hotness.
Furthermore, despite the fact that it has been almost 6 years since UNC coach Roy Williams abruptly deserted the Jayhawks, it sure felt good to deliver him a big fat assfuck Saturday night.
Because I am a loud, bitchy, borderline psychotic fan, I chose to watch this game in the comfort of my life partner, MotherBucker's super-swanky Philadelphia long-term-stay Hilton. So swanky that prior to game time when I realized that there was no decent beer (aka Heineken) in my light-beer swigging girlfriend's fridge, I made her roll over to the real hotel next door to get me some. I don't miss the tip off. In the first 15 minutes of the ballgame, my hands were bright red from the "psychotic clapping" I use to cheer on my boys. And even though I was unable to hear the announcers because of my streaming obnoxious one-sided accolade-laden conversation with the television, I'm sure their banter went something like this:
"Holy fuck. Kansas is beating the living shit out of North Carolina."
"Can you believe Kansas is so awesomely awesome?"
"No, Bob, I can't. Kansas is indeed awesomely awesome!"
"Dan! Check out the scoreboard right now. KANSAS IS LEADING 40 TO 12 WITH 6:44 REMAINING IN THE FIRST HALF"
"Bob, Roy Williams sure is taking it from behind -- and I mean WAY behind -- right now."
"Boy, Dan, I feel like a real douchetard right now for picking North Carolina to win this thing. My bracket is getting Jay-fucked."
The kick-ass dominance of the Kansas team embarrassed North Carolina into committing turnover after turnover after turnover. Kansas denied the Tar Heels again and again, cornering them into shooting just 4 for 20 at one point. Payback is a bitch, Roy. Go fuck yourself.
Now, in the Tar Heels defense, they did manage to unwedge their panties from their asscheeks for about 3 minutes to come within 4 points of a TIE (not lead, mind you. the jayhawks never trailed). But the mini-comeback was in vain. And when the votes were counted, the Tar Heels managed to do what head coach Roy Williams does best: Choke.
The Jayhawks haven't been to the final four since my junior year at KU and it has been 20 years since Danny Manning and the Miracles clenched a championship by rolling past Oklahoma's fast-break ball. It's time for KU to teach the laughable Conference USA a lesson with the kind of smackdown only a Big 12 team can deliver. So while my lameass girlfriend sends around tear-jerking stories about KU center, Sasha Kaun's, perilous escape from Russia after his father was murdered, I'm rallying for tonight's big match-up.
Just so you know Memphis' two players:
Chris Douglas-Roberts: Junior. Gayelle. Talks about his fagtastic relationships with the other Tigers: "Every game we expect to play really well. We talk to each other, you know, before the game." Um, Smith College called. They'd like their copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" back.
So bring it. We'll get you Memphis, and your little Rose, too.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, ElCyd, March Madness
P.S. I was not offended by your suggestion that Derrick Rose likes Gummi Bears and can't spell.
: 4/07/2008 6:00 PM "Back here in San Antonio, Jim Nantz alongside Billy Packer. If you ever wondered exactly what a Tar Heel is - well, right now, it's what the Kansas Jayhawks are feasting upon right now."
"You're absolutely right, Jim. As much of an ACC homer as I am, I can't find anything positive about Carolina's play right now. Jim? Jim?"
"I'm sorry, Billy, this game is so lopsided, I zoned out and started thinking about the Masters...a tradition unlike any other, next weekend on CBS!"
(Dick Vitale walks in)
"OH, LOOK AT THE JAYHAWKS, THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SHOOT THE BASKABALL! THEY'RE AWESOME, BABY, WITH A CAPITAL A!"
Congratulations on the championship - and the way KU won it. A well-deserved title.
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