Friday, April 18, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Mariah Carey
Name: Mariah Carey
Place of birth: Huntington, Long Island, New York
Currently Lives: Per MTV “Cribs” circa 2004, a three-story NYC penthouse with four rooms’ worth of closets. Whut whut!
Occupation: Five-time Grammy Award winner best known for her vocal range, power, melismatic style, and use of the “whistle register”; Elvis-sales-records-destroyer; miniskirt rocker; shameless diva
Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: Call me crass and pedestrian, but shut up, because I love Mariah, and secretly, so do you. If you’re “too kewl” to dig on the processed cheese that constitutes her jams, then you have to love the Mariah show.
This bitch is almost 40 years old and she still dresses like a mall rat hoochie. She is never caught without her ass practically hanging out of a spandex miniskirt, her tits busting out of some electric pink cropped snakeskin jacket, and her big ol’ tranny feet straining in six-inch stacked heels. Her signature fragrance, “M by Mariah Carey” (available at Macy’s, duh), is advertised as "floriental with notes of marshmallow." She’s generally a little on the “thick” side of things, but starves herself on chicken broth and the occasional piece of celery prior to album releases and videos and totally admits it to the press; then, on a recent trip to London, she had 11 bodyguards surrounding her restaurant table so nobody could watch her eat.
Despite the fact that Mariah is piling up a veritable greatest-hits album of diva demands (like requiring a $150,000 antique table on which to sign autographs for fans during a recent appearance and requiring a major European hotel to upon her arrival literally roll out a red carpet lined with hundreds of white votive candles), she manages to be pretty circumspect about herself. (I mean, she can’t be totally serious with all the butterflies and the album titles like “Rainbow,” “Daydream,” and “Glitter.” When is “Saccharine” coming out?). When asked about the title of her latest (and super awesome) album E=MC2, she said, “We all know that my album is called E=MC2 but I’m not exactly friggin’ Einstein.”
Later, she mused on the difficulties of finding a suitable mate when you’re a megarich recording artist: “You don't know who is here for the glamour,” she said. “Sometimes you feel like an ATM machine with a wig on it.” I’m not sure I’d be able to maintain that level of humility if I were one No. 1 single short of edging out the Beatles for the all-time record. In her own words: “Nah you ain't seeing things, / Or hallucinating, / I brings that levity, / Take me for a ride.” Levity indeed!
Labels: celebrities, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hilarious shit, LL Cool Jew, ridiculous absurdity
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I've had a crush on MC since ~5th grade (~20 years ago). I'm amazed she still makes hits and she's still hot. I love her curves. Glad to find someone who agrees with me. I only recently realized that a lot of people think her music is lame. Fuck them, I think she's had more #1 singles than Elvis.
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