RazzyBlog: Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Matt from Twelve Fluid Ounces

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Matt from Twelve Fluid Ounces

Name: Matt Carberry

DOB: May 1, 1981

Occupation: U. S. Navy submariner, reactor operator

Hometown: Northport, New York

Current Residence: Portsmouth, New Hampshire (soon to be New London, Connecticut)

Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: Before I get started on why Matt is hot, this reminds me that I want to give a shout-out to all the hot-ass Razzyphiles in the military. I know that I've made fun of military guys a lot, primarily because the vast majority of the ones I met in Tacoma bars were completely and total dipshit. However, just because I've never taken the opportunity to say how awesome the non-dipshit military folks are (particularly those who get Razzified on the regs). You guys are way braver than myself, considering most of you are going to get stuck in that shitshow clusterfuck known as Iraq, if you haven't already. I also think that the Bush administration has particularly treated you like shit, and the rest of the country isn't always as appreciative of your sacrifices and your services as they should be. I'm honored to have you guys as readers and Razzyphiles.

Anyhow, back to Matt. Matt is a particularly redeeming figure because from what I can tell, he has the exact same job as my friend MillerTime's ex. MillerTime's ex was a douchebag of the highest order. He had red hair, sported these giant hideous coke-bottle glasses because he presumably thought they were ugly-cool, seemed to think he was the funniest fucker on the face of the earth, and wore a beat-up fedora everywhere as if he were Indiana Jones. One time he came over to my parents' house to watch the Seahawks with us, and spent the entire time rooting for the Ravens (not because he liked the Ravens, but because he wanted to aggravate everyone). That day he even picked a fight with HotLawyer's friend ScandalousLawyer over who was the most "NorCal," which was absurd since he's from fucking Santa Cruz which isn't even really considered "NorCal." ScandalousLawyer got sufficiently pissed that he probably would have given him a fully deserved ass-beating if we weren't hanging out wth my parents. He also liked to front like he was some kind of literary expert, which particularly galled myself and HotLawyer. As HotLawyer once put it, "Just because we don't read Clive Cussler novels doesn't mean we don't read." This fucktard also treated MillerTime most shabbily, and while she'd frequently write it off with "he's only 22," I didn't buy that excuse. I expect he'll be just as much of an unpleasant, socially inept, abrasive asshole when he's fifty as he is now. I was overjoyed when MillerTime finally sent his bitch-ass back to Bangor Naval Base where he belonged, and felt that if all naval submariners were cut from his cloth, they were as a whole a group of dipshits capable of producing little in me besides total ire.

Luckily, Matt came along and disproved that theory. I don't know Matt personally, but he found me thanks to IvyGate's coverage of my batshit craziness. I discovered this when I noticed that I was getting some hits from his LiveJournal blog, Twelve Fluid Ounces. I went over there and read what he had to say about me, and while he argued that I wasn't crazy, noted that he'd "probably hit it," and compared me to Tucker Max, he fairly noted that I don't measure up remotely in terms of website traffic. He also gave my site a link in his sidebar. I left a comment acknowledging my shortcomings in the not-living-up-to-Tucker-Max department and thanked him for linking me. I then gave him a reciprocal link.

Well, Matt decided to rocket further up the chart by writing a huge, lengthy post about me entitled "If you're awesome and you know it..." He declared this post "PIMP THE RAZZYBLOG time!" Then he proceeded to link to about 50 different posts I've written, providing some interesting information about each. For example, he was once at the Gold Club in Groton (a lovely establishment that one of my friends from Smith used to strip at) and found his face approximately two centimeters away from Jenna Haze's crotch. I can't sit idly by and not acknowledge the awesomeness of a Razzyphile taking so much time to spread the word about Razzified useless bullshit with more fervor than St. Paul spreading the gospel message throughout the damn Roman Empire.

I've also learned a lot besides facts about my own awesomeness from reading Matt's blog otherwise. For example, he dropped out of Cornell and joined the Navy, something that judging from his scathing posts about life on the "Submersible Death Trap" and the fact that he has a tag called "navy hate," I suspect he regrets. In fact he seems to regard the Navy similarly to the way I regard graduate school, a generally miserable experience from which there is no escape. Matt is ballsier, though, because while I just run the risk of being unhappy and getting a lot of common colds in grad school, he runs the risk of getting torpedoed or whatever bad things can happen to a submarine (buggered by his fellow submariners). He's also really ballsy for admitting something that very few other dudes in their late twenties would on the internets: he's a virgin. I'd take his V-card, except for the fact that I've actually never had sex with a virgin before and that's a conquest I've never been interested in putting on my shelf of trophy fucks. No offense to Matt, but I've had enough trouble with slutty dudes not being able to hold their load for more than thirty seconds, and I'd prefer to not be really annoyed with him since he seems like a really cool guy. However, I bet if he ever comes to New York, I can take him under my wing and teach him a few things about picking up broads. I could also probably hook him up with a nice girl who would do it the right, respectful way (or get really drunk and think it's suddenly a good idea to handle myself). Besides, ladies, he apparently loves eating pussy. Lil' Kim and I both approve.

Anyway, go read his blog. He's a good writer. There is nary a "the navy sux lol" or "that razzie gurl is hott" to be found. He also has an interesting perspective on life in the Navy, and as someone who finds most personal blogs excepting my own to be dull wastes of time, for me to consider his work "interesting" is high praise. I'm honored to add him to my stable of Razzyphiles. Matt Carberry and Twelve Fluid Ounces rules.

Labels: an officer and a hot piece, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hot dudes, Razzyphiles