Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Dirty Steel
I love the New York Times coverage of "The Hills." First they called Heidi Montag a "feminist hero" on the basis of her being completely indecisive about her relationship with douchebag extraordinaire Spencer Pratt, and now they are reporting that male models everywhere better take notice because a truly exemplary specimen of fuckable masculinity is about to dominate catalogs and catwalks everywhere. Watch out, Derek Zoolander.
YES! Justin Bobby Brescia, my all-time favorite "Hills" dweller is expanding his talents beyond the realm of belching, motorcycle-riding, and flagrantly cheating on Audrina's dumb ass. Usually I hate guys with long hair, but I have a real soft spot for Justin Bobby. First of all, his name is Justin Bobby. Second, would-be players could take a page out of his book.
Last season on "The Hills," Justin Bobby managed to decisively out-douche Brody Jenner at his birthday party by drinking all his booze and being a total dickhead to everyone who crossed his path. Then he proceeded to make out with some other chick at a bar IN FRONT OF his girlfriend Audrina. When Audrina confronted him about it ("you were, like, totally, like, kissing that, like, other girl"), he simply responded, "No, I wasn't." When Audrina persisted in accusing him, saying something along the lines of "But, like, I totally, like saw you," Justin Bobby said, "No, I wasn't. You need to get your eyes checked." Then he belched. Audrina, being the rocket scientist of Epic Records receptionists that she is, says, "Okay," and gets on his motorcycle.
Last night while my girls and I were watching this trash (in riveted silence, because we need to fully concentrate on the dialogue in order to extract the point of any given discussion from amidst the "likes" and "totallys" liberally peppering even the most basic of verbal interactions between two cast members), the "scenes from the next" showed Justin Bobby and I about lost it.
"Dudes, JUSTIN BOBBY IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH AUDRINA!!! YESSSSS!" I whooped.
HillsYes noted sarcastically, "Yeah, he'll probably have some girl s'ing his d in front of her and then be like, 'No, I wasn't.'"
"OMG, totz," said JerseyGirl.
"I'm so glad I'm solstice," said Twathopper.
"Why, because you only have to deal with dumb bitch drama and never get laid?" I asked scornfully. Twathopper's quest to "L some P" has not been fulfilled yet, but she is indeed truly a lesbian because she has five bitches blowing up her phone trying to talk to her about their feelings and their residual drama with their exes. Actually she earned her solstice stripes when she framed a copy of an article one of her would-be sapphic paramours wrote for Runner's World magazine. If that's not a lesbian move, then I didn't go to Smith College.
"Touché, mentor," said Twathopper somewhat meekly. Twathopper acknowledges that the reason she is getting processing rather than pussy is her unwillingness to heed my advice about dumping dumb bitches for not putting out, or at least threatening to. But I digress.
Back to Justin Bobby, the dreamiest piece of ass on meticulously scripted reality television. Justin Bobby may be the dirtiest, nastiest, most ill-mannered loser in all of Hollywood, but I'd totally hit that. In front of Audrina. And then I'd help him out by convincing Audrina that she didn't actually just see me giving JB a BJ. Bitch needs to get her eyes checked. Trust.
Last season on "The Hills," Justin Bobby managed to decisively out-douche Brody Jenner at his birthday party by drinking all his booze and being a total dickhead to everyone who crossed his path. Then he proceeded to make out with some other chick at a bar IN FRONT OF his girlfriend Audrina. When Audrina confronted him about it ("you were, like, totally, like, kissing that, like, other girl"), he simply responded, "No, I wasn't." When Audrina persisted in accusing him, saying something along the lines of "But, like, I totally, like saw you," Justin Bobby said, "No, I wasn't. You need to get your eyes checked." Then he belched. Audrina, being the rocket scientist of Epic Records receptionists that she is, says, "Okay," and gets on his motorcycle.
Last night while my girls and I were watching this trash (in riveted silence, because we need to fully concentrate on the dialogue in order to extract the point of any given discussion from amidst the "likes" and "totallys" liberally peppering even the most basic of verbal interactions between two cast members), the "scenes from the next" showed Justin Bobby and I about lost it.
"Dudes, JUSTIN BOBBY IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH AUDRINA!!! YESSSSS!" I whooped.
HillsYes noted sarcastically, "Yeah, he'll probably have some girl s'ing his d in front of her and then be like, 'No, I wasn't.'"
"OMG, totz," said JerseyGirl.
"I'm so glad I'm solstice," said Twathopper.
"Why, because you only have to deal with dumb bitch drama and never get laid?" I asked scornfully. Twathopper's quest to "L some P" has not been fulfilled yet, but she is indeed truly a lesbian because she has five bitches blowing up her phone trying to talk to her about their feelings and their residual drama with their exes. Actually she earned her solstice stripes when she framed a copy of an article one of her would-be sapphic paramours wrote for Runner's World magazine. If that's not a lesbian move, then I didn't go to Smith College.
"Touché, mentor," said Twathopper somewhat meekly. Twathopper acknowledges that the reason she is getting processing rather than pussy is her unwillingness to heed my advice about dumping dumb bitches for not putting out, or at least threatening to. But I digress.
Back to Justin Bobby, the dreamiest piece of ass on meticulously scripted reality television. Justin Bobby may be the dirtiest, nastiest, most ill-mannered loser in all of Hollywood, but I'd totally hit that. In front of Audrina. And then I'd help him out by convincing Audrina that she didn't actually just see me giving JB a BJ. Bitch needs to get her eyes checked. Trust.
Labels: assholes, HillsYes, JerseyGirl, lezbollah, The Hills, TV, Twathopper
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Hey,
Thanks for linking the Moment blog. Always glad to see somebody as excited about Justin Bobby as we are. We had no idea he would be returning to "the Hills" drama. What great news.
JP
Editor, The Moment
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Thanks for linking the Moment blog. Always glad to see somebody as excited about Justin Bobby as we are. We had no idea he would be returning to "the Hills" drama. What great news.
JP
Editor, The Moment
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