Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Go Heineken!
I've usually been staunchly against environmentalism. Not because I hate the planet or enjoy pollution, but because I find environmentalists infuriatingly annoying. I about lost it when Al Gore got the Nobel Peace Prize for what LL Cool Jew called a "Chicken Little Power Point presentation." Like their demigod, Al Gore, the tree huggers of the world are insufferably pretentious about their stupid carbon footprints and the adjustments they've made in order to "go green." I resent being condescended to and lectured by people who have done little more than change a few lightbulbs and buy an extra trash can for recyclables.
Even in college, before eco-friendliness became as in vogue as it is today, my hatred of earth-lovers was well-known. I would run around turning on the house parlor lights after the "Energy Czarina" turned them off every night just to be an asshole. My ex-boyfriend Benzo once talked me into renting the movie Cannonball Run on the basis that "the bad guys are environmentalists!" Well, that, and Burt Reynolds is in it, but I digress. I've always resisted getting worked up about the environment, because no matter how much I recycle or install thermostat timers or drive hybrids, my actions aren't going to fix the hole in the ozone currently blowing up thanks to China's cheap air conditioners.
However, now I think I've finally found an environmental cause I can get behind, thanks to the continually excellent investigative work performed by the greatest newspaper in the history of journalism, the New York Post. On the Post's website this morning, I was deeply alarmed to see these grim tidings:
I've always thought climate change in the form of higher temperatures seemed like a good thing. I wouldn't complain if I could wear skirts and open-toed sandals all year long. I could care less about rising sea levels or whether the polar bears can survive warm weather (and according to "Lost," they do just fine in the tropical clime of the South Pacific), but an ecological threat to beer is something I simply cannot abide. According to the article, "high beer prices are on tap" due to "radical shifts in weather and more parched lands [are] making it harder to grow grains and hops." NOOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm already poor and I can't afford to pay more than the already ridiculous $10 a six-pack I currently cough up for my beautiful, green-bottled, Dutch poison of choice. For the first time, I think that global warming is very, VERY bad, and I'm prepared to change every lightbulb in my apartment to back this up. If the price of beer skyrockets, I'm totally screwed. My liver might actually become healthy, and I can't have that. How am I supposed to further my alcoholism without affordable beer? My world would end! As Dr. Ray Stantz said in the inimitable film Ghostbusters, "this is a crisis of Biblical proportions!"
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go organize a Save the Planet rally. Or at least a Save the Barley and Hops rally. GO GREEN! And by "green," I mean this:
Labels: alcoholism, fuck the planet, large exclamatory font, oh the horror
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We should move to converting some of these bullshit animal preserves into land suitable for growing Heineken, the choice drink of the Gods. And you. And me.
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