Thursday, April 17, 2008
Just say yes to abortion
I could really care less about the storied romance of Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Both are grade-A faux punk dipshits, and both have managed to corner the market on "ugh" (and other similar scoffing sounds) induction. Ashlee is an unremarkable moron and Pete Wentz jacks off to Morrissey posters. LOSERS! Unfortunately, since they got engaged (due to the fact that Ashlee is supposedly knocked up), I've been hearing far too much about them from my gossip internets.
Now Dlisted is reporting that Joe Simpson, Ashlee's creepy possibly incestuous father and media whore extraordinaire, is trying to shop Ashlee's baby pictures to the tabloids for a million clams. The tabloids are scoffing at this figure, rightfully acknowledging this as a possible publicity stunt intended to promote Ashlee's undoubtedly lame new album which drops next week. Here's Ashlee and Pete holding up a sign indicating the actual value (in Uzbek rubles) their baby pictures are worth to the media:
Besides, it's not like this kid is Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and thus possibly the second coming of Helen of Troy. This kid is going to be an amalgam of fucking Fall Out Boy and Jessica Simpson's annoying little kid sis. I'd be shocked if this kid didn't pop out wearing a hoodie adorned with rhinestone skulls and too much eyeliner, and if I need to know what a runty emo poseur looks like, there are plenty of pictures of its parents, Joel and Benjy Madden, and Avril Lavigne circulating around the internets for free. I could give a shit less about some magazine putting Pete and Ashlee's douchebag spawn on its cover in a Ramones onesie culled from their Hot Topic baby registry.
If Ashlee and Pete really wanted to do something as antiestablishment as their personas attempt desperately to imply, I have a better idea. They'll get just as much (if not more) publicity for Ashlee's shitshow of a CD, and definitely stir up controversy. I think Ashlee should commemorate the Pope's visit to America by rounding up a camera crew and proceeding straight to her nearest Planned Parenthood. They'll stir the pro-life and pro-choice people alike into a frenzy, trigger plenty of media attention, and possibly even draw condemnation from the Vatican. The latter will get them into the international press. Ashlee's album will sell more than six copies. Furthermore, even pro-lifers will applaud their decision for not cursing the world with (possibly) the world's most contrived antichrist. Everybody wins!
Labels: assholes, celebrities, destroy all children, intentional buffoonery, media whores, ranting, retard rage
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