Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Daily Douchebag: shrinks
DOB: ???--the 1950s, probably
Occupation: getting off the fucking topic at hand
Hometown: ???--they never tell you anything personal
Current residence: for me, New York, New York or thereabouts
Douchebaggery: I'm not one who gets embarrassed about going to therapy. Sometimes I just need some professional assistance working out the kinks in my life, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Right now for me, I've realized that I really, REALLY need to quit smoking. I know that I've quit so many times it's a running joke for everyone else, but this time it really absolutely has to happen. With my asthma making a comeback with a vengeance, I now have the option of either smoking or breathing. I no longer have the luxury of quitting smoke for health reasons that aren't immediately apparent. I'm at the crossroads of either recovery or COPD, and I'm choosing recovery. However, because I've tried and failed so many times to quit smoking, I decided to get some help this time around, so I'm seeing a shrink. Besides, I have other unresolved issues (ie: abortion) that stress me out and exacerbate the smoking situation, so it can't hurt to iron out those wrinkles in my life either.
I wanted to see a shrink who would put me on Wellbutrin XL, AKA Zyban when it's sold as an aid for smoking cessation, to assist me with the lengthy process of washing cigarettes the fuck out of my life. Columbia set me up with some guy who is supposedly good with "addiction issues" and who could help me. Our first session went pretty well, except for the fact that he seemed to think my being bisexual played a large role in my lifelong smoking habit. I disagreed, and said that my smoking "habit"--or, more accurately, debilitating addiction--was the result of my childhood stupidity and subsequent severe dependency on cigarettes. My resolve to quit is tested by stressful situations, and my coping with those constructively is further damaged by festering drama from my past such as the aforementioned trip to the family planning clinic. One thing that doesn't seem to affect my smoking is my sex life, and whether I'm doing dudes and/or chicks. I'm at the shrink for two things: Wellbutrin and stress management. I'm NOT here to take other aspects of my life that I'm just fine and dandy with and turn them into major fucking problems, which is what happened at our second and last session.
Yesterday, my shrink advised me that he was leaving Columbia, and sorry to bounce after my second visit, but he'll hook me up with another doctor who will help. While he tried to evaluate what kind of shrink would be best for that, I was surprised by some of the lines of questioning he pursued. Apparently, certain aspects of my personality--which he referred to as a "syndrome," like my personality is AIDS or something--are problems I didn't even know I had. For example, I was unaware that I'm secretly TRANSGENDERED because I drink scotch, like football, and fuck around, and these are male traits. Also, my parents may have something to do with this. Not sure what, since my parents are loving and supportive and still married to each other, and neither of them hit or molested me growing up, but they are involved somehow in the gender identity crisis I didn't know I was having.
Needless to say, yesterday I didn't get a lot done in terms of keeping my shrink on point with regard to smoking and other traumatic events from my life that start with "A" and rhyme with "kabortion" yesterday. I complained to LL Cool Jew while we were talking about whether or not scotch makes me TOO crazy, and this precipitated a tirade from her:
LL Cool Jew: those JWBs go down way too easy for you!
Razzy: i KNOW
LL Cool Jew: maybe you should call a moratorium on the scotchers
Razzy: NEVER
LL Cool Jew: to bring yourself back to fighting levels
Razzy: although today my shrink called me transgendered on the basis of my scotch drinking
LL Cool Jew: transgendered?
Razzy: yes, i apparently like "male" things
LL Cool Jew: that's a stupid thing to say
Razzy: i was like, "NO WAY AM I CHANGING MY NAME TO MAX"
Razzy: "OR JULIAN"
Razzy: "OR ETHAN"
LL Cool Jew: cmon how about ezra?
Razzy:: i know, i thought it was dumb too
LL Cool Jew: but seriously
LL Cool Jew: that's a pretty wacktastic thing to say
Razzy: i was like, "dude, i'm totally comfortable in my body"
Razzy: well he's leaving columbia so this was our last sesh
Razzy: his conclusion: "i'm extremely complicated"
LL Cool Jew: it's not only obtuse, it's also disrespectful to be joking about a serious issue to you
Razzy: i don't think he was joking
LL Cool Jew: well then it's straight up fucktarded
Razzy: it's yet "another facet to your already extremely multifaceted complex personality"
LL Cool Jew: i call bullshit
Razzy: basically, i'm too confusing for him
LL Cool Jew: i'm glad that guy's gone
Razzy:: like i said, i'm getting a new shrink regardless
LL Cool Jew: you deserve somebody better than that
Razzy: i actually thought he was okay for the most part
Razzy: i don't think his expertise is sexuality issues
Razzy: he always seems out of his element when i'm talking about being bisexual
Razzy: he's like, "let's talk more about that"
LL Cool Jew: then he should keep his bright ideas to himself
Razzy: : i'm all, "dude, i'm totally fine with that. let's talk about MY SMOKING ADDICTION, that's why i'm here"
LL Cool Jew: these shrinks always think the queerness is a much bigger deal than in reality it is
Razzy: TRULY
Razzy: and i'm like hardly even queer!
LL Cool Jew: i always wanted to be like, look, i know this is a real trip for you because you're a boomer
LL Cool Jew: but for rizzle, i have never felt bad about being a lesbian
Razzy: i think he's trying to read too much into my "male" habits and the fact that i bang broads every so often
LL Cool Jew: and now i don't feel particularly bad about being straight
Razzy: i did long ago, in catholic school
Razzy: but now, FUCK THAT, i have no issues at all
Razzy: my issues are SMOKING and ABORTIONS!
LL Cool Jew: they always want to read more into it
Razzy: yeah today we had a 20 minute pointless convo about my parents' marriage
Razzy: i was like, "uh, back to the smoking, please"
LL Cool Jew: they think it's just got to be screwing with your emotions
LL Cool Jew: not really
LL Cool Jew: see, and there's another one
LL Cool Jew: if your parents are together, they want to talk about how they can identify weaknesses in their marriage in your personality flaws
Razzy: i'm like "KNOW WHAT'S REALLY SCREWING WITH ME...*SMOKING AND ABORTIONS*!
LL Cool Jew: if your parents arent together, they want to make "broken homes" into some big damn deal
Razzy:: exax
LL Cool Jew: it's not a mystery why i am unhappy
LL Cool Jew: i want to quit smoking
LL Cool Jew: if i quit smoking i bet i'd feel pretty hot about myself
LL Cool Jew: after i lost the 30 pounds i gained quitting of course
Razzy: then he was reading a lot into the fact that i don't care whether my new shrink that he's referring me to is male or female
LL Cool Jew: for god's sake
Razzy: i was like, no dude, i seriously don't care, as long as they can help me with the smoking
LL Cool Jew: this guy needs to get wuith the program
Razzy: i finally told him, "I'm bi-psychiatrist"
Razzy:"just like i'm bisexual"
Razzy: he thought that was funny
LL Cool Jew: you're like
LL Cool Jew: can they prescribe medication?
LL Cool Jew: then great.
Razzy: well exactly
Razzy: i was like the one thing i need
Razzy: is someone to keep the wellbutrin coming
LL Cool Jew: god
Razzy: AND WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SMOKING AND ABORTIONS!
LL Cool Jew: you are so bringing me back dude.
LL Cool Jew: some of these shrinks just don't have a clue
Razzy: for real
LL Cool Jew: f'ing BOOMERS man
Razzy: i think my guy thought i was "very interesting"
LL Cool Jew:: they are hellbent on destroying us!
Razzy: because i'm "so extremely complex"
LL Cool Jew: well isn't everybody
Razzy:: bleeecccch
LL Cool Jew: isn't that the POINT
Razzy: i KNOW
Razzy: i was like, "glad i'm special but I NEED TO QUIT SMOKING!"
Razzy: i had to work hard to keep dr. stein on track
LL Cool Jew: wouldn't it be awesome if the shrink were just like
LL Cool Jew: wow you are a very straightforward individual with identified problems
LL Cool Jew: let's work on those
Razzy: TRULY
LL Cool Jew: see if anything else comes up
Razzy: i mean
Razzy: i mean, i'm giving my history
Razzy: colorfully, as is my habit
LL Cool Jew: if we're trying to hide something, that's one thing
LL Cool Jew: but YOU of all people don't try to hide ANYTHING.
Razzy: and the second i say, "i'm bisexual"
Razzy: he's like "when did you realize you were bisexual?"
Razzy: VOMIT
Razzy: i don't fucking know!
LL Cool Jew: stop the presses
Razzy: forever!
Razzy: i banged a chick first
Razzy: but then a dude immediately after
LL Cool Jew: let me waste your valuable 45 minutes talking about ancillary BS
Razzy: like WHO CARES
LL Cool Jew: they just don't want to hear that you're comfortable with it
LL Cool Jew: they WON'T believe it
LL Cool Jew: it's not possible in the boomer mind
Razzy: i KNOW
LL Cool Jew: because THEY still hate gays
Razzy: like, "in my time, people were so ostracized, shouldn't you be too?"
LL Cool Jew: OR, they really enjoy talking about their gay friends
LL Cool Jew: yes, "at my high school, we beat up tons of fags...how do YOU feel about ME?"
Razzy: ugh
LL Cool Jew: anyway
LL Cool Jew: glad that guy's moving on
Razzy: truly
Razzy: i hope his replacement is kewler
LL Cool Jew: you have to watch tehm
LL Cool Jew: tell them upfront
Razzy: totz, keep them on track
LL Cool Jew: they will waste your time otherwise
Razzy: truly
Razzy: i'm like, "back to the smoking"
Razzy: "back to the smoking"
LL Cool Jew: other things may come up as we address the reason you're there
LL Cool Jew: which is normal
LL Cool Jew: but you shouldn't be asked to take grandiose sidesteps from the issue at hand
LL Cool Jew: or worse yet
LL Cool Jew: CONVINCE them on teh points where you're already OKAY
Razzy: EXACTLY
LL Cool Jew: why do you have to convince them?
Razzy: like i definitely don't need to be told i'm having a gender identity crisis
Razzy: BECAUSE I'M NOT
LL Cool Jew: you're willing enough to share about your real problems
LL Cool Jew: who could possibly think that you were having a gender identity crisis?
LL Cool Jew: if you really wanted to be a dude
LL Cool Jew: i doubt you'd have LONG FLOWING CHERRY PIE BLONDE HAIR
Razzy: well truly
LL Cool Jew: or flash your tits all the time
Razzy: i know, i was like "i'm REALLY comfortable with my body"
LL Cool Jew: well maybe this next person will be respectful enough to take you seriously
LL Cool Jew: when you tell them you sincerely need help with certain things
Razzy: i hope so
LL Cool Jew: and not waste a bunch of your time getting bi sex stories to titillate and wow themselves
Razzy: TRULY
Razzy: well that's it
Razzy: i was like, "do i really need to go into detail about all the various methods and things by which i do it with girls?"
LL Cool Jew: no, not at all, it's completely irrelevant
Razzy: i mean, jesus
Razzy: not telling you about my strap-on, you perv
LL Cool Jew: that is so disgusting
LL Cool Jew: wasting your mental health HMO time getting his rocks off
Razzy: actually, though, i think my guy may have been confused about whether or not i actually f girls
Razzy: or just think making out with them and kissing is sex
LL Cool Jew: what difference does that make????????
Razzy: i assured him that my sex life with women is very below the belt
Razzy: BUT BACK TO SMOKING AND ABORTIONS
LL Cool Jew: this really pisses me off
LL Cool Jew: it's totz bringing me back to the dc shrink who tried to date me
Razzy: OH and then today
Razzy: he was all
Razzy: "so you've had sex with quite a few men"
LL Cool Jew:: ok
Razzy: when i was like "i f'd 62 dudes"
Razzy: i was like "right"
Razzy: dr. stein: "why do you think that is?"
Razzy: I DON'T KNOW, I LIKE TO FUCK!
LL Cool Jew: are you a sex addict as well as being a tranny boi now?
LL Cool Jew: pronounced tranny BWA in louisiana of course
Razzy: i must be
LL Cool Jew: i bet your male counterpart on his couch didn't get that question
LL Cool Jew: asshole
Razzy: SERIOUSLY
LL Cool Jew: angie, i am so livid about this, it's kind of ridic.
Razzy: well i'm done with dr. stein
LL Cool Jew: thank god
Razzy: so don't worry
LL Cool Jew: please don't hold him against my people.
Razzy: i'll date some other inadequate shrink
Razzy: dr. stein is recommending someone with expertise in treating addictions
Razzy: which is what i requested
LL Cool Jew: \m/
Razzy: exax
Razzy: so he did listen
Razzy: enough
LL Cool Jew: \m/ \m/
LL Cool Jew: sorry
LL Cool Jew: i love the devil hands
Razzy: after he told me i'm a F2M SLIZUT!
LL Cool Jew: well his opinion matters for shit
Razzy: well for real
Razzy: like i said
LL Cool Jew: i hate his gutses
Razzy: AIN'T NO WAY I'M CHOPPING OFF MY TITS AND ANSWERING TO "BOBBY"
So needless to say, I still need a shrink since I was so busy trying to explain to my old one that a few scotches don't necessarily equate to a F2M tranny, my slutty habits have nothing to do with smoking (except possibly that I smoke cigarettes for some of the same reasons I smoke pole--I'm orally fixated), and we didn't even really get to the abortion stuff. Hopefully my next one will be a little more on track. Goddamn shrinks.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, gender bending, lezbollah, LL Cool Jew, sex, sluts
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
razzy, please ask your doctor about chantix for smoking cessation. it is newer, and i think it has demonstrated much better results than wellbie.
i am not a physician so this does not constitute medical advice and is not intended to be a substitute for advice given by your physician or other qualified health care professional.
i am not a physician so this does not constitute medical advice and is not intended to be a substitute for advice given by your physician or other qualified health care professional.
# posted by 
: 5/20/2008 7:04 AM
: 5/20/2008 7:04 AM
Chantix worked GREAT until I started smoking again! But seriously, it was the easiest quitting I've ever done. I got another prescription. Still haven't filled it. Marlboro has come out with these adorable 72s - they're tiny! Practically baby carrots!
However, it produced homicidal impulses in Motherbucker.
However, it produced homicidal impulses in Motherbucker.
Razzy,
This is unsolicited advice, so yeah, feel free to ignore it.
You're a scientist! Ditch the Freud guy. If you can get Wellbutrin, fine, cool, but if you still want therapy, please consider finding someone familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy. It is an excellent, empirically-based method of addiction treatment. I believe it is one of the only non-pharmaceutical methods shown to be effective in clinical trials and recommended by NIDA for treatment of cocaine addiction.
Check these folks out:
http://www.motivationandchange.com/
Post a Comment
This is unsolicited advice, so yeah, feel free to ignore it.
You're a scientist! Ditch the Freud guy. If you can get Wellbutrin, fine, cool, but if you still want therapy, please consider finding someone familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy. It is an excellent, empirically-based method of addiction treatment. I believe it is one of the only non-pharmaceutical methods shown to be effective in clinical trials and recommended by NIDA for treatment of cocaine addiction.
Check these folks out:
http://www.motivationandchange.com/
# posted by : 5/24/2008 12:16 AM
: 5/24/2008 12:16 AM Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
