Monday, May 12, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: choice supporting "90210" cast members
Name: Dr. Mel Silver, DDS, Special Agent Christine Pettit, Jackie Taylor, Emily Valentine, Jack McKay, John Sears, D'Shawn Hardell, Lucinda Nicholson, Noah Hunter's date rapist brother Josh, and Dan Rubin
DOB: 1990-2000
Occupation: stealing scenes, breaking hearts
Hometown: wherever Aaron Spelling and E. Duke Vincent put up Darren Star and his writers
Current residence: my fantasies
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: There is a lot of unsung hotness on the greatest show in the history of television AKA "Beverly Hills, 90210" that often goes unrecognized. Sure, everyone can recognize what a fine piece of ass Steve Sanders is (NOT KIDDING...hottest mullet-sporting, Vette-driving jock prankster ever), but how many people besides myself can remember who Christine Pettit even is, much less properly recognize her hotness? So today, in honor of me being hooked on my season 4 DVDs, I have decided to give some much-needed praise and admiration to those Bev Niner supporting characters that get me all bothered.
Dr. Mel Silver, DDS
Mel is a hot piece and before you argue with this, let me remind you that for his full decade-long tenure as David's father on the show, he was constantly banging barely legal dental hygienists. As he noted in an intense scene during season three, "So I'm a BASTARD, okay? What do you want from me? I LIKE WOMEN. I have a problem." I don't consider that a problem, since this means Mel might be down for a night of dirty extramarital passion in a suite at the Bel Age with yours truly. And oh, MAN, do I love nerdy Jewish guys, and bespectacled dentists fit that bill. I'd certainly hit one who not only dispenses brilliant player advice like "tell beautiful women that they're smart, and smart women that they're beautiful," but who can include the term "oral" in his professional title.
Special Agent Christine Pettit
We don't find out that she's a FBI agent until season 7, but when Christine Pettit first waltzes into the Bel Age Hotel on Jack McKay's arm as his MILFy girlfriend, she is still every bit a hot fucking piece. She's always decked out in sequined gowns, has impeccable manners, and looks like she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Later, when it is revealed that Christine Pettit is actually Special Agent Christine Pettit, and she runs around in her navy federal agent suit, I practically go into convulsions of lesbian cougar desire. Two words were invented to describe Christine Pettit: HOT PIECE.
Jackie Taylor
Television has never known such a hard-core coke addict and boozehound as Jackie Taylor in season 1's classic episode "Perfect Mom." When Jackie Taylor comes home, freshly dumped, missing one gigantic pearls-and-fishing lure clip-on earring, and eye makeup that can only be described as a female approximation of the Hamburglar starts screaming at Kelly about pouring out her bottle of Popov vodka, I get chills thinking of her tremendous abilities as an actress. When Jackie wakes up, does a rail of coke the bigger than her gaudy-ass tennis bracelet, and bitches at Kelly, "I just need a jump start!", I am in awe of her rock star capabilities. Of course, this all ends in disaster when Jackie crashes and burns at the West Beverly mother-daughter fashion show by repeating "And now, from the wilds of Minneapolis, Sandy and Brenda Walsh, and Angela Zuckerman" one too many times, sending Jackie to rehab, but I've never been able to table my fond memories of Jackie the vodka-guzzling coke fiend. Jackie's legendary struggles with addiction help out in later years when she handles confronting Mel Silver's infidelity, Kelly's diet pill (and later, cocaine) addiction, and David Silver's meth habit like an old pro.
Emily Valentine
The thing about girls who are certifiably insane is that they usually can fuck like wild animals. I imagine this is probably true about Emily Valentine, who dealt with rejection by fabricating ridiculous scenarios allowing her access to Brandon Walsh's bed and beloved Walsh '87 Minnesota Twins jersey, wreaking such havoc with the Walsh family answering machine as to prompt Jim to threaten to call the phone company, and attempting to burn down the homecoming float the gang all worked so hard to build. Since I myself pulled similar crazy bullshit in high school (right down to Emily's fondness for home hair bleach jobs and ill-fitting men's clothes), I can relate to Emily. Okay, I never slipped U4EA into anyone's drink to "bring a new couple closer," but I did pull a little bit of a crazy--albeit harmless--stalker routine with my ex-girlfriend when I was 16. Like Emily, who went on to study marine biology at the prestigious Cousteau Institute, I wised up, went to therapy, and cracked the science books, eventually emerging with my sanity and some important life lessons learned. And I can still fuck like a wild animal. I bet Emily is the same way.
Jack McKay
He's hot as Roman from "Days of Our Lives," and he's sure as shit hot-as-hell as the late (but not really) sketchy junk bond trader Jack McKay. From the moment he gets out of jail, Jack is back to chatting up sketchy associates on his giant limo phone, popping bottles of champers, and wearing only the finest in Members Only casualwear. When not trying to get his hands on Dylan's trust fund or throwing extravagant parties at his base of operations (the Bel Age Hotel), he's busy effing Christine Pettit cross-eyed. I'd take Jack over Dylan's crybaby brooding ass any day.
John Sears
John Sears is one of those guys who just exudes "I'm a total dickhead" vibes. You know just by looking at John Sears that he's the type of guy who will try to bone disadvantaged teenagers at the KEG/Alpha joint Downey House Thanksgiving party, or who will try to capitalize on Kelly Taylor's slutty reputation and then say, "What do you think I'm here for, your brilliant freshman repartee?" when she has the gall to decline his offer of sex. He's the kind of guy who I would consider a complete and TOTAL dirtbag, but who I would probably fuck anyway and then spend the next day hating myself for. He's probably a jackhammerer with a small dick, which is why he obviously spends so much time getting his swell on in the California University weight room, but I do love me a large, muscly KEG man.
D'Shawn Hardell
California University's star shooting guard was a little reluctant to maintain his own academic eligibility, and even went through the trouble of threatening to tattle on his tutor Brandon about how Brandon was fucking Professor Randall's wife (later negated since Randall gave D'Shawn an undeserved grade on a midterm) to avoid doing his homework, but eventually saw the light and cracked the books when a knee injury sidelined him for a season. I question how much D'Shawn actually learned, since he then dated Donna Martin for two episodes (although that didn't last long, since I assume D'Shawn discovered that Donna doesn't do what he calls "the sweet thing" and moved on to some campus hoochie who acted like a slut as well as dressed like one). I was sad when the gang graduated and D'Shawn was never heard from again, though...until he appeared in a "Grey's Anatomy" episode or two married to that fat doctor. Oh, D'Shawn, D'Shawn, D'Shawn.
Lucinda Nicholson
Like me, Lucinda is an "ABD" grad student...all but dissertation. Unlike me, Lucinda studies social science AKA "soft" science (bitch isn't hardcore), and actually has to teach classes. Also unlike me, Lucinda managed to parlay her teaching assignments into opportunities to "hit the sheets" with hot undergrads (if you can consider Brandon Walsh "hot"). While I've managed to bag a couple grad students in my time, I have nothing on Lucinda, as I'm not married to any tenured professors so involved in the school basketball team as to fake grades and I don't routinely stalk any of my former conquests (I learned my lesson about that during my teenage Emily Valentine years). However, Lucinda is one of those characters that exudes sex from every pore even when lifting weights or giving feminist lectures at Take Back the Night rallies, and I commend her for filling her miserable grad student years with the ass-pieces of her choosing. Good show, Lucinda.
Josh Hunter
Josh was only around for two or three episodes, and in that time, he slipped Valerie Malone a roofie only to have his brother Noah accidentally rape her afterward. Clearly, Josh is an even bigger shithead than the aforementioned John Sears. However, Josh is a hot piece and he wouldn't even have to pop Rohypnol into my glass of merlot, because I'd hit that sober. He's a good-looking man. Furthermore, he's on "Battlestar Galactica" as one of the final five Cylon models, although I wouldn't know anything about that because I totally don't watch "Battlestar Galactica." I'm not a SciFi nerd and just because my TV accidentally malfunctioned and I saw a few minutes or maybe a couple seasons of it, doesn't mean that I'm into anything like that. ANYWAY! Josh Hunter was the hottest date rapist ever.
Dan Rubin
Last Friday while watching some season 4 DVDs, JerseyGirl and I had a debate over who is better looking, Dan Rubin, hot English grad student who took Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman's virginity, or Roy Randolph, effete faux-British director of the CU production of Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I say Dan Rubin all the way, and that's in spite of my aversion to guys with long hair. Dan Rubin may have had terrible taste in women (again, he fucked Buzzkill and professed his love, even when she dumped him for Jesse Vasquez), and he may have had a douchebag haircut, but he ran a tight Introductory English study session and he's just the kind of nerd I like: world-weary yet optimistic, laid back yet athletic, and a big fan of books. Plus, he didn't look like he just breezed into town as part of some homosexual circus troupe.
Indeed, Bev Niner is the greatest show in the history of television because even the minor characters are hot pieces. You really can't do better than this show. Really.
Labels: Bev Niner, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, hot dudes
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this was cool but i kind of prefer when you don't have time to write, and you just post pictures of your breasts as penance
# posted by 
: 5/12/2008 8:34 AM
: 5/12/2008 8:34 AM
Dude, I think Jackie Warner may remind me more of Emily Valentine, though fair is always fair. But judging from her lesbian drama, I'm guessing Jackie knows that "Breaking Up is Hard to Do."
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# posted by : 5/12/2008 10:38 AM
: 5/12/2008 10:38 AM Links to this post:
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