Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: TAFKAMA
DOB: May 19, 1978
Occupation: computer badass at Amazon.com
Hometown: Tacoma, Washington
Current residence: Seattle, Washington
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I'm a total creep and a bad friend because I forgot that yesterday was TAFKAMA's big 3-0. Okay, I didn't forget so much as I rely on my online social networks to remind me when people's birthdays are, I hardly ever go on MySpace anymore, and I sometimes neglect Facebook too, so I didn't know until he reminded me.
TAFKAMA: chat is gayOf course TAFKAMA is spending his birthday hating. TAFKAMA is always grouchy, even when he's having fun. Hell, he's grouchy even when he's having sex! (I know because we did it a few times when we were drunk, although in fairness TAFKAMA and I had an unspoken agreement to keep it pretty vanilla, because above all else we're old buddies and getting too freaky might make things weird, so maybe I mistook his attempts at keeping it casual for crabbiness). He's probably also hating because he's always breaking his ribs when he goes snowboarding, and that makes it hard to breathe, laugh, or eat without pain. When I went out for lunch with him the last time I was in the P-N-Dub, he looked positively miserable and had enough Vicodin on hand to trank an African elephant.
Razzy: no it's not!
Razzy: it's a great way to waste time
TAFKAMA: it is my b-day
TAFKAMA: 30
Razzy: omg, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Razzy: what are you doing to celebrate???
TAFKAMA: hating
In the hopes that I might be able to get TAFKAMA to crack one of his little begrudging smiles as a belated birthday present, I'm just going to reflect on some of the highlights of our friendship over the years. I met TAFKAMA my freshman year of high school, so we've known each other for almost 20 years. Even more apropos is that TAFKAMA's mom and my mom were friends in high school. They double dated to prom or something like that. Anyway, some of my favorite TAFKAMA moments are as follows:
- We drove through the streets of north Tacoma sometime in 1994 with a flaming copy of The Blue Hawk, this pulp sci-fi novel our sophomore honors world history teacher, Brother Paul, had assigned us as part of his long list of $0.10 paperbacks having something to do with technology and its impact on civilization. As TAFKAMA drove his beat-up old Dodge truck, AKA "Zog" around with burning pages flying off in our wake, he was sucking on a Djarum clove cigarette and saying, "Burning books is against everything I'm about, Razzy...BUT IT'S AWESOME!"
- Also sometime in 1994, while studying for some test, TAFKAMA wrote "Angie Sucks" on one of my Adidas Superstars in bright orange marker (I don't know why he had to fuck up my good shoes when there was a perfectly good pair of ugly lesbotic Birkenstock clogs hanging around). When I finally threw those shoes away with a heavy heart last year, the one TAFKAMA defaced still had a huge orange stain on it.
- TAFKAMA mastered the internets early, and via Prodigy managed to find pictures of some woman performing fellatio on a Clydesdale at some usenet group called "horselove.alt" or something like that. At one impromptu party at his house, I remember witnessing this picture with around 20 other horrified teenagers.
- In high school, TAFKAMA was the only boy who joined my feminist club "the Society for Women's Advancement" (DON'T LAUGH! Okay, you can laugh). So what if he only joined to get access to my signs so he could draw devil pictures on them and otherwise deface them with irreverent anti-feminist graffiti; at least he joined and went to at least one meeting (which I'm sure we spent sitting outside Cafe Wa smoking cloves rather than discussing new strategies for "women's advancement").
- TAFKAMA loved his piece of shit truck Zog so much that last year he bought an identical piece of truck off Craigslist and is currently "fixing it up," which I assume means making it marginally roadworthy.
- The first time TAFKAMA and I had sex, we were at my house in Tacoma sometime around 2002 or so, and we had just gotten home after a night of whiskey drinking on the town. How did TAFKAMA seal the deal, you ask? "Hey Razzy, let's make out," he said. When I asked why and suggested that our friendship was such that it might be weird, he said, "So? Making out is fun. Just shut up and make out. We'll just say we were drunk if it's weird." I couldn't argue with that logic, so I just went one step further and fucked him.
- TAFKAMA's hobby is making jam. One time he gave me a jar to give my parents. Now, every time I hang out with TAFKAMA, my dad asks where his jam is.
- One time TAFKAMA beat a guy up to defend my honor. Okay, not so much "my" honor as "his sister's" honor, since his sister and I both slept with the same cheating d-bag. Oh, okay, and TAFKAMA didn't even beat him up about our honor as much as because this guy was overall just a total d-bag for many reasons and TAFKAMA finally got fed up with it. But he kicked his ass nonetheless.
- TAFKAMA taught me about the useful little piece of html called target="_blank". This opens links in new windows. I realize this is like the html equivalent of 1+1=2, but I'm a computer moron, and I appreciate TAFKAMA's assistance nonetheless.
- TAFKAMA drinks bourbon and scores mad Seattle pussy. Wait, I'm not sure that latter attribute is something to be so proud of, because Seattle is full of dumb, annoying skanks. But still.
- TAFKAMA is just awesome and I'm so glad we're still friends after all these years. I hope that the birthday fairy left some hot, sort-of hippie-looking snowboarder chick with an encyclopedic knowledge of Philip K. Dick (or whatever...I know you're an even bigger nerd than me, TAFKAMA) novels on his doorstep to welcome the third decade of his life with a bang.
Hopefully TAFKAMA can stop hating for a few minutes to appreciate the fact that he rules. Ideally he appreciated that, then drained a few Vitamin R's (Rainier Beer, elixir of the P-N-Dub), and scored some hot chick. Happy birthday, TAFKAMA!
Labels: aging, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, P-N-Dub, Razzification, TAFKAMA
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Wouldn't he be welcoming the fourth decade of his life if he's turning 30? I don't mean to remind you of what's impending in six months for you, but that's simply how it is.
Razzy,
As much as we would like to believe that TAFKAMA was defending our honor when he gave B-Pain a knuckle sandwich...the reality is that B-Pain just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. And not only can TAFKAMA make some killer jam, he can also make home-made chocolate frosting which he insists must top his yellow birthday cake each year. Happy Turdieth big bro!
-TAFKAMA'S sister
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As much as we would like to believe that TAFKAMA was defending our honor when he gave B-Pain a knuckle sandwich...the reality is that B-Pain just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. And not only can TAFKAMA make some killer jam, he can also make home-made chocolate frosting which he insists must top his yellow birthday cake each year. Happy Turdieth big bro!
-TAFKAMA'S sister
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