Wednesday, May 14, 2008

 

The eternal question

For years, man has pondered a great mystery, and I'm not talking about the meaning of life or whether God exists.  I'm talking about WHO is the hotter douchebag in "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 4, Dan Rubin or Roy Randolph?  Philosophers have debated this for centuries, and by "philosophers" I mean myself, JerseyGirl, and Twathopper, and by "centuries" I mean since last Friday.

Like most intensely complicated questions, there is no easy answer.  Although I realize that a question of this magnitude is a lot to ponder, I now have to ask the internets to weigh in, because this debate is simply too great and intense to be addressed by a small consort of rabid Bev Niner fans.  So, without further ado, take it away, internets:

WHO IS HOTTER: DAN RUBIN OR ROY RANDOLPH?

Dan Rubin

The son of a wealthy family from Encino, California, Dan Rubin was supplementing his undoubtedly meager English lit grad student stipend with free room and board as a residential advisor at California University's dorms.  There he met freshman Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman, and, after a lot of lame debates about feminism and whether or not the Alpha Omega sorority is antisemitic, manages to take her V-card.  Unfortunately, Dan Rubin invites Buzzkill to a party at his parents' house, where she falls decisively in love with bartending law student Jesse Vasquez and dumps Dan Rubin on his bike short-clad ass.

Pros: 
  • Smart and articulate (getting Ph.D in English lit)
  • Nerdy Jew (this is fucking SMOKING hot in my book)
  • Chivalrous (won't bang Buzzkill immediately when she tells him she's a virgin, because he wants it to be "special" for her)
  • Skanky (doesn't need to be asked twice to go hit the sheets in the afternoon with his student)
Cons:
  • Long hair
  • Willing to fuck Buzzkill Zuckerman, indicating a severe lack of taste
  • Wears spandex, a fabric no man has any business putting on unless he's either a gymnast or an American Gladiator (his hobby is bike-riding)
  • Lives in freshman dorm even though he's probably pushing 30 (which might explain why he liked Buzzkill so much)
  • Doesn't handle rejection well 
  • Possibly racist against Mexicans (although in fairness, this might just be him hating on Jesse Vasquez for stealing his bitch)
Roy Randolph

A sort-of prestigious director of various college theater productions, Roy Randolph cleverly pits Kelly Taylor, Brenda Walsh, and Laura Kingman against each other for the role of Maggie the Cat in Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  Brenda is unhappy about Kelly's involvement, since she was the one who spent hours in the California University library periodicals section stalking Roy Randolph via microfiche.  Kelly ultimately drops out, causing Roy Randolph to trumpet that he was gravely disappointed at her choice not to escape her "frivolous little life" by agreeing to a lead role on the infamous stage of California University's theater department.  In the ensuing battle between Brenda and Laura, Brenda makes up for a poor audition performance by going over to Roy Randolph's crib and doing...the scene over again.  However, everyone thinks Brenda slept with him because Roy Randolph is noted for banging all his leading ladies.  Once Brenda gets over feeling like Kelly (ie: a big slut), she parlays her success with Roy Randolph into a one-way ticket to study drama in London and leave the world's greatest zip code for good.

Pros:
  • Educated
  • Famous enough to have had his picture in the paper
  • Has a Harry Hamlin-meets-Viggo Mortensen thing going on
  • He's in theater and is presumably not gay, judging by all the actress notches on his belt
  • Smooth when it comes to bullshitting the ladies 
Cons:
  • Arrogant asshole (informs Kelly her life will be ruined if she doesn't participate in his dumb college play)
  • Looks like one of the Three Musketeers in a bad print vest and an even worse print shirt
  • Newspaper photographs of him WAY hotter than the real thing
  • Long hair
  • Bad theaterfag accent ("let go of your crrrrrrrrutch!")
So there you have the facts; now please help settle this debate once and for all by weighing in.  Who is hotter, Dan Rubin or Roy Randolph?  DISCUSS.

Labels: , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 6:50 AM
Comments:
I know I already voted, but I shall do so again on the Internets:

Duh, Dan Rubin by a mile. I mean really Jerseygirl. Duh.
# posted by Anonymous Twathopper : 5/14/2008 9:34 AM
 
I hate to admit it, but that pirate/musketeer look Roy Randolph is sporting has always been strangely appealing. My vote is for RR. Besides Dan Rubin was kind of a pussy.
# posted by Anonymous greengirl : 5/14/2008 11:04 AM
 
Rubin. All the way.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 5/14/2008 4:04 PM
 
UM DUH - Roy Randolph is SO FREAKIN HOT. I totes wish that I was Brenda, when she shows up at his doorstep in a sexy trench coat, then slides it off to reveal a skanky dress ... I would act the shit out of the Maggie the Cat role. and then we'd have hot bs. yessssss
# posted by Blogger Annimal : 5/15/2008 2:13 PM
 
Dan Rubin. There's no way that anyone with a theatrefag accent could be hotter than Rubin.
# posted by Anonymous Singer : 5/15/2008 3:57 PM
 
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