Friday, May 02, 2008
Praying for expulsion from the 700 Club
I don't recall ever signing up for bulletins from the Christian Broadcasting Network, but nonetheless, I received this piece of choice correspondence in my Gmail inbox the other day:
If I did sign up to be considered among the CBN's "partners," I must have been really, really, REALLY drunk. Usually the 700 Club doesn't jive with my Roman popery very well (they don't like the idolatry of the Virgin and saints, our seven sacraments, our pervasive guilt, or our consequent alcoholism and/or sluttery), so I can't imagine I'd reach out to them asking for occasional solicitations. I don't even listen to my own church leader, the infinitely creepy Pope Benedixteen, so I can't imagine I would feel a need to hit up Pat Robertson. I wonder if my Aunt Jesus is behind this. Now that we're not speaking, it wouldn't surprise me if she resorted to signing me up for e-mail from the Reverend Pat Robertson as a roundabout way of reiterating that the ultimate destination of my immortal soul is HELL!
In spite of not being able to solve the mystery of how I wound up on this mailing list, I shrugged and figured I could always use an extra prayer or two. Why not let the fundamentalists' self-proclaimed hotline to Jesus work for me a little? So I clicked on the "Sexual Problems" link, since I figure that's where I can use the most help. Granted, my only "sexual problems" are desiring to have more sexual partners and not getting out of lab enough to find them, but I wouldn't complain if Jesus sent a few more hot lays my way. I mean, I have great tits, and I just got my hair highlighted, and I wear V-neck shirts with push-up bras, but a little extra divine assistance can't hurt in terms of racking up more conquests. Besides, I could do a good deed for society by chastising the more literal Bible crowd for hating on other people's sex lives and orientations. Jesus could help them out by alleviating their judgmental prudishness! So I sent this request, since it is, after all, "a privilege" to pray for me:
I would like you to pray for all the Christians in the world who can't accept that gays, lesbians, bisexuals (especially switch-hitting sluts like myself), and transgendered persons are part of God's great plan and creation, and that God loves them dearly. I pray that these homophobic bigots don't burn in hell, but rather receive Christ's infinite mercy.Also, in terms of sexual problems, the main one I have is not getting enough ("enough" would be classified as doubling up on the nightly). Please ask JC to send more honeys my way. He knows lots of prostitutes. It should be a piece of cake for him.
That ought to do it. Any day now, Fred Phelps will get out of the "God Hates Fags" business, gays will have equal civil rights as straights, and I'll be getting laid like a fucking porn star. Father-Son-Holy Spirit, Amen!
Labels: Aunt Jesus, Catholicism, correspondence, Dear God, sluts
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You are partly right " I would like you to pray for all the Christians in the world who can't accept that gays, lesbians, bisexuals (especially switch-hitting sluts like myself), and transgendered persons are part of God's great plan and creation, and that God loves them dearly" .
God does love you/them dearly. He does not hate you/them, what he hates is sin. These acts are sinful to God. "Christians" who say "God hates fags", are just as sinful as gays themselves for misspeaking for God. He hates their sin, as much as anyone elses.
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God does love you/them dearly. He does not hate you/them, what he hates is sin. These acts are sinful to God. "Christians" who say "God hates fags", are just as sinful as gays themselves for misspeaking for God. He hates their sin, as much as anyone elses.
# posted by 
: 5/02/2008 11:47 AM
: 5/02/2008 11:47 AM 
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