Friday, May 30, 2008
Rachael Ray hates freedom
If there's one East Coast franchise I love almost as much as classic Razzy favorites such as historical nonfiction about seamen, porn, Seahawks football, pepperoni pizza, cunnilingus, or R. Kelly, it's Dunkin' Donuts. They have great fucking coffee, and in college I lived off the stuff. I was delighted to see that the Jenzi Lounge down the street from me--an establishment I'd only been to once because the only thing they served was a drink called "the nutcracker" which was by my estimation grain alcohol and red Kool-Aid--had gone out of business and was being converted into a D'n'D.
However, my love for D'n'D has been tainted by a terrible marketing strategy on their part, namely the appointment of Rachael Ray as their spokesperson. In the past, I've actually offered a sexual bounty on Rachael Ray's head because I loathe her so deeply. Nothing makes me want to burn every last Dunkin' Donuts in the world like hearing her proclaim in her amphetamine-crazed rasp that her coffee is "delish." Luckily, there's hope. I had heard a bit of news about this previously, but hadn't really paid attention due to conditioning myself to tune out anything involving "Rachael Ray" for the sake of my fellow man, as her very name makes me feel like going on a murder spree. However, devout Razzyphile L&L e-mailed this to me, and I decided I couldn't ignore it since clearly I am not alone in my militant anti-Rachael Ray sentiments. This also represents the first time I've felt anything like admiration towards Michelle Malkin (I mean, I'm a Republican, but I'm a McCain Republican, not one of those irrational blithering neo-con fuckwits).
From: L&L (lnl@razzyphile.ca)To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Subject: The real and present danger hiding behind Dunkin Donuts
oh my god Razzy - have you seen this?
*Dunkin Donuts Pulls Ad Featuring Rachael Ray In A Scarf That Looks Too Arab!*
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Dunkin Donuts has pulled a commercial featuring pitchwoman Rachael Ray wearing a scarf because Michelle Malkin and other conservative observers thought the scarf looked too much like a keffiyeh, what Malkin describes as "the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/28/dunkin-donuts-pulls-ad-fe_n_103859.html
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Clearly Rachel Ray is a Terrorist.
Personally, I always felt it. The way she mixes chili ... her recipes ... that MAN voice of hers... her incessant yell-talking.
The real offense? That Rachel Ray lives and, that she just won't admit she's really a man. I fucking HATE this bitch.
Thank GAWD for the likes of Michelle Malkin and the other right wing fanaticals. Now I can enjoy my apple fritter knowing no evil-doer was harboured.
Phew!
xo
L&L
I not only stand in solidarity with L&L concerning her many criticisms of Rachael Ray, I think that pulling the Dunkin' Donuts ad is not enough. Not only should Dunkin' Donuts pull EVERY ad that has ever featured Rachael Ray, I think that the Department of Homeland Security ought to ship her ass to Gitmo and waterboard the bejesus out of her for her crimes against freedom.
Okay, fine, so MAYBE they sell those keffiyeh-esque scarves at Urban Outfitters so that the hipster morons of the world can take fashion cues from Yasser Arafat as well as Che Guevara, and maybe none of those dipshits have been hauled off by the thought police yet. However, I think that the combination of her PLO/Hamas gear with her ruining the reputation of a sacred American institution like Dunkin' Donuts constitutes some kind of Patriot Act violation. If Rachael Ray disappears to some secret treason court, then I could say with confidence that the Bush administration did at least ONE good thing during its eight years of tyrannical ineptitude.
Send some Blackwater mercenaries to her crib to haul her away already. USA! U!S!A! U!S!A!
Labels: assholes, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts, terror, United States of Asskickery
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This entry is, like everything else here, "splendid."
(Watching Blazing Saddles right now in Harvey's honor)
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(Watching Blazing Saddles right now in Harvey's honor)
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