RazzyBlog: Daily Douchebag: Brad Pitt

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Daily Douchebag: Brad Pitt

Name: William Bradley Pitt

DOB: December 18, 1963

Occupation: hypocrite; lover of ugly modern art

Hometown: Springfield, Missouri

Current residence: last I heard it was some ridiculous 23-bedroom mansion in France

Douchebaggery: I get really, really sick of listening to Brad Pitt lecturing everyone sanctimoniously about poverty and AIDS and whatever else. Just because he's fucking Angelina Jolie doesn't mean he had to go and pick up her bad habits of being an insufferable twat about social issues and a baby junkie, but seemingly he did anyway. Now I see him all the time running around with fellow patronizing do-gooder Bono excoriating everybody for being greedy fucks who don't take time out of their busy schedules making shitty movies and shitty albums to pose for photo shoots with a village full of starving refugees and AIDS orphans. There's nothing I hate more than seeing some self-righteous piece of shit stepping off a private jet in clothes that probably cost more than my monthly salary to hassle me about my supposedly gluttonous lifestyle. Fuck you, asshole! I'm poor! I eat nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches and I can barely afford the Pantene I wash my hair with.

When Brad Pitt isn't busy being an obnoxious charity media whore, he apparently is a big fan of modern art. Despite the fact that Angelina's about to produce two more revered spawn (who in fifteen years will probably make Paris Hilton look like a saint in comparison to their spoiled, bratty antics), Brad took time out from settling into their new mansion in the French countryside to visit some art expo in Basel, Switzerland. While there, he decided to pick up a few things to decorate the new digs. Specifically, he picked up a bunch of hideous shit worth half a million dollars:

See that white table? It cost $293,000. And that chair? He got two of those at $25,000 each. He also purchased that ugly lamp and an aluminum rug at $175 a square foot, and is reportedly considering shelling out $300,000 for a gold-lacquered fiberglass sofa.

I'm sure these were totally practical purchases that Brad Pitt bought out of absolute necessity, because surely nobody as concerned with how all our self-indulgent society is doing insufficient work on behalf of the poor malaria-stricken AIDS orphans would buy totally unnecessary overpriced pieces of crap just because they can afford to. I'm sure that Brad Pitt's fancy modern art furniture is needed to accommodate his ever-expanding brood, and nothing is more pleasing for a newborn baby to crawl around on than an aluminum rug. I know my childhood was totally deprived because my parents hadn't ensured that I could read my Chronicles of Narnia books while sitting on an undoubtedly comfortable $25,000 bronze chair, putting my feet on an ugly coffee table hewn from a solid block of Italian marble, and illuminated the room with a busted overpriced lamp. So Brad Pitt's global progeny are lucky to have such essentials decking out their nursery. However, I still wonder how this fits into Brad Pitt's calling out everyone in America to do their duty and join the fight against overconsumption and promote sustainable solutions to hunger and poverty in the developing world.

If I ever run into Brad Pitt and his equally smug, hypocritical baby mama, I'm going to be sure to inquire how exactly that gold-plated couch fits into his commitment to eradicating the world's problems other than by proving that he's rich enough to drown his hypocrisy in a big consumerism binge. I'm sure he'll be able to explain it away, and by "explain it away" I mean he'll just remind me that he's Brad Pitt, the sexiest man alive or something, he's friends with George Clooney, and he's sticking his dick into Angelina Jolie and boy, she's an even bigger humanitarian photo op slut than he is! Good show, Brad Pitt. The impoverished of the world are in your debt.

Labels: artfaggotry, assholes, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, gluttony, media whores, sluts