Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: FUCKING APPLE COMPUTERS!
DOB: April 1, 1976
Occupation: pissing me off and interrupting my all-important constantly available MacBook routine
Hometown: Cupertino, California
Current residence: soon to be the goddamned motherfucking piece of shit "Genius Bar"
Douchebaggery: Today the day has arrived in which I must swap in the broken hard drive that came with my computer for the rapidly disintegrating hard drive that my PI installed before I realized I had a 1 year hardware warranty, so that the warranty will be valid and the pricks at the so-called "Genius Bar" will pop in a new one. Hopefully, they will fix my misbehaving "control" and "option" keys while they are at it, so that I can just reinstall Leopard and get back to having a normal, healthy MacBook that I can take with me everywhere I go. Therefore, be warned: I hope that this is something they can fix on site at the Apple store, but I know the possibility exists that they may ship my Mac off to some nerd sweatshop for its recuperation. If I don't post tomorrow, it's probably because my computer is off at the Cylon Resurrection Ship getting worked on. Yes, I just made a BSG reference, and no I'm not embarrassed anymore that I watch "Battlestar Galactica," even if it IS a show about the robot-battling Olympian god-worshiping Latter Day Saints. If Apple can call their tech support a "Genius Bar," then I can admit to liking my show about space Mormons. Edward James Olmos, Xena: Warrior Princess, Noah Hunter's roofie-slipping brother Josh from "90210," and Stands With a Fist from Dances with Wolves are in it, there's a one-eyed guy who looks like John McCain, the special effects are cheesetastically crappy, and it frakking rules. ANYWAY!
I'm extremely pissed that after owning this thing for less than a year, its components have given me so much fucking trouble, and although I really, REALLY like it when it's working, I've discussed at length how much I loathe the term "Genius Bar." In spite of the fact that I'm expecting to see a bunch of pompous, Converse-wearing, asymmetrical hair-having, non-genius, Justin Long-looking douchebags prepared to condescend to me at the Genius Bar, everyone I know with a Mac has said that they are "always very nice" and "extremely helpful." However, one of those positive reviews came from someone I totally hate and despise, so I'm still skeptical that I won't spend my entire time there doing meditational deep breathing to prevent myself from opening a Costco-sized can of supercunt on the geek chic fucktards scrutinizing my MacBook. It also has not escaped my notice that nearly everyone I know with a Mac in their possession has suffered a trip to the Genius Bar at least once. FalloniusMonk even advised me that the fact that my computer is still under warranty means I get to skip to the front of the line for service, knowledge suggesting that hers broke too during it's inaugural year of life. Since those arrogant "I'm an asshole who manages to be patronizing and self-deprecating at the same time, I'm a Mac!" commercials lead me to believe that Macs never, ever break down and equally infuriating Mac snobs are always crowing about the "stability" and "security" of these computers, it pisses me off that in reality these things have the mechanical stamina of a fucking Geo Prism. Everyone has to take it into the repair shop sooner or later.
As if Apple couldn't piss me off more with all their trappings of false superiority, I opened up my internets browser and saw this as the "Featured Content" on Apple's home page (yes, I'm too lazy to change Safari's default settings for home page selection):
Jesus Christ, Apple, why didn't you also feature the complete third season of "Grey's Anatomy" to complete the Holy Trinity of entertainment that I hate? I've written not one but two SEPARATE posts about how much I hate Fool's Gold, a movie that I haven't even seen, and simply anticipating catching a solitary note of Chris Martin's cloying falsetto makes me want to pull a Van Gogh with BOTH ears. I don't even have to hear him sing; all I need to do is see him shuffling around in some gay-ass collarless waistcoat getting ready to SUCK MAJORLY. I swear that "Vida La Vida" and "Clocks" bump loudly on eternal repeat in my own personal hell. I know that Apple sweats Coldplay's insufferable ass in a major way and I loathe their marketing department's taste, but Tha Carter Vol. III has been selling well too! Weezy F Baby should be up there, bemusedly looking as fucked up on blunts and purple drank as he constantly is, not fucking Coldplay!
I'm pretty sure that Apple has a secret agenda to string me along with the tempting promises a working MacBook offers, only to destroy me with their shoddy equipment and infuriating marketing schemes. I feel like Persephone: the pomegranate tastes great, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck sucking Hades's cock in the fucking underworld! My MacBook better be fixed and it better mean that I get to return to the land of the living AKA a place where my computer does whatever I want it to whenever I want it to with no grinding noises or need to reinstall bitch-ass Leopard.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, ranting
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Best way to handle the Genius Bar? get wasted and show up at 3am. They love that shit. A while ago I had to take my macbook in for service and was scheduled to pick it up on a Saturday morning. After leaving the bar late Friday night I realized it was actually Saturday morning. So I showed up on 5th Ave, drunk and (due to the humidity) a sweaty, disheveled mess and demanded my macbook. Of course I didn't have the appropriate paperwork but I did have a drivers license. After fifteen minutes of nervous, whispered consultation with his boss, my "genius" eventually handed over my computer, clearly nervous that he was giving up a $1500 piece of equipment to a crackhead. Security was about ten feet away the entire time I was in the store. Good times!
Cylon model #3.
And just because I admit to watching BSG doesn't mean I'm getting into the habit of answering questions about so next time hit up IMDB or Wikipedia.
And just because I admit to watching BSG doesn't mean I'm getting into the habit of answering questions about so next time hit up IMDB or Wikipedia.
PS-Jon, I'm going to the Genius Bar this evening after dinner with my friend Rack, so chances are VERY good that I'll be wasted. This is the best Genius Bar tip I've gotten yet.
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