Thursday, June 26, 2008
Daily Douchebag: gravity
Name: gravity
DOB: the beginning of time, although I guess we didn't really all get it until Sir Isaac Newton dropped Principia in 1687
Occupation: ruining my statuary
Hometown: I don't think gravity actually has a hometown
Current residence: wreaking havoc in my apartment
Douchebaggery: Yesterday was one of the roughest days I've had in quite some time and the last thing I need are other bullshit things happening to make me feel worse. However, nonetheless dumb stupid dumb gravity decided to take the opportunity to kick me while I'm down. I've always hated gravity. Granted, I like the fact that gravity exists and makes life on earth possible, but otherwise it can lick my twat. Back in college, my advisor made me take physics as she was grooming me for the illustrious career in biomedical research I have today and this somehow might be useful. Too bad not only has physics proved entirely useless to me as a grad student, but even then I questioned its value. I took physics my senior year, and Smith's class was not only calculus-based bullshit at 9 a.m., but it was one of those classes where they don't just say something like "Newton's second law is F=ma, now here's some problems to do." They instead give you the problems first and expect you to deduce Newton's laws yourself. Needless to say, I considered my alternate morning routine of waking up, watching last night's SportsCenter while fucking my boyfriend, then kissing him goodbye, taking bong hits, and watching "Beverly Hills, 90210" reruns instead of class was a much better use of my time than doing a bunch of roundabout math to accomplish what Sir Isaac Newton did years before. My regular class-skipping turned out really badly when I ended up taking one test that involved three-dimensional vector calculus and I had no fucking clue how to do that. It was literally the only time I've ever stared down at a test and had no idea whatsoever how to even give the appearance of comprehending the material. That physics class represents the only D I've ever gotten in my academic career, and I don't regret it one bit, because I think I got way more benefit from having morning sex and watching Bev Niner than learning math that I'm never, EVER going to have to do as a microbiologist.
Anyway, I thought my days of even thinking about gravity were long past until this morning. After a few hours of fitful drunk sleep, I woke up and went to go to the bathroom. I felt something sharp in my foot. "Ouch! FUCK!" Then I looked down to see that I stepped on a piece of broken glass, and there were similar pieces of glass everywhere. It wasn't the glass you would normally expect to see either (ie: from a Heineken bottle); it was ceramic. "What the...?" I said, then my eyes traveled to a dreadful sight: the dismembered, headless torso of St. Francis of Assisi. The little shelf St. Francis was sitting on above a doorframe came loose, and thus at some point it all crashed to the floor. Much like almost all of the super Catholic shit that makes an integral part of my apartment's decor, my statue of St. Francis belonged to my grandmother, and he is a saint that I feel particularly close to. For one thing, he is the patron saint of animals, and I liked the idea of St. Francis sitting around keeping an eye on Caese and Chingy! while I'm not home. For another, if you ask my Protestant aunts, we Catholics are big on the idol-worshipping. While technically I don't WORSHIP St. Francis so much as ask him to intercede with Josh Christ on my behalf, nonetheless having one of my household gods smashed by evil gravity is not a great way to start the day. I picked up all the bigger pieces (including the one I pulled out of my foot) in the vain hope that I might be able to piece St. Francis back together like Humpty Dumpty, but I still can't find his head.
So thanks a lot, gravity, for shattering a graven image of a totally undeserving Catholic saint. If gravity had a soul, I think we know where it would be: in HELL!
Labels: Catholicism, Daily Douchebag, doggity style, fuck math, science
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