Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Daily Douchebag: "A Shot At Love 2 with Tila Tequila"
DOB: April 22, 2008
Occupation: being too big of a sham dating show in the world of sham dating shows for even me to like it
Hometown: MySpace
Current residence: MTV
Douchebaggery: "A Shot at Love 2 with (fake bisexual MySpace skank) Tila Thien Than Thi Nguyen Tequila" actually has many things I should love in principle, such as softcore girl-on-girl action, catfights, guido dudes beating down dudes with frosted hair, and commercial breaks advertising CD compilations with titles like Tropical Thunder. However, Tila Tequila sucks and so does her show. I, for one, am NOT interested in a shot at love with her busted ass.
I have gotten over this in the past to enjoy many contrived reality dating shows in which a completely unattractive person sorts through a bevy of skanks to find "love." I've watched "Flavor of Love" and "Rock of Love," and I used to have a standing date with my pal JerseyGirl to watch "I Love New York" because for a while we declared that "the best reality show on television" (not to be confused with the greatest show in the history of television, which always was and always will be "Beverly Hills, 90210"). I even watched the first season of "A Shot at Love" and somewhat enjoyed it, or at least enjoyed discussing Dani the firefighter with all my lesbo friends. However, after watching about 5 minutes of the show last night, I've come to realize that I actually LOATHE this show, and Tila Tequila is the least likable would-be paramour in the history of reality dating shows. I've come up with several reasons:
1. Tila Tequila looks like the kind of woman whose vagina secretes battery acid. Not to say that I'm not a total ho-bag myself, but compared to Tila, I seem like a sophisticated lady. I would never wear a midriff-baring plaid stripper costume to meet my boyfriend/girlfriend's parents, nor would I give said love interest's grandmother a lap dance to warm her up to the idea of bisexuality. Any chick who would displays poor judgment, and I can only assume that judgment applies to maintenance of her cooch. I may be a slut, but I am for the most part pretty good about condom use these days and I also get my shit checked out regularly to ensure that I remain, in Lil' Kim's estimation, "a disease-free bitch." I don't trust that Tila has been so judicious with regards to maintaining her own snatch, and not only do I have zero desire to wind up on a lifelong Valtrex regimen, I have zero desire the go anywhere near a vagina that may well have actual teeth.
2. Tila Tequila is disingenuous and has a tremendously inflated opinion of herself. She's not gay, she LOVES to make herself out like the world's busiest A-list celebrity when in truth she's a fake-titted whore who looks like some sort of bizarre amalgam of a Hello Kitty doll and a beat-down hooker working the track. Tila acts like her ideal boy/girlfriend would be able to "handle" Tila's extreme schedule of media whoring and writhing around for the cover of various car magazines marketed to dudes with small penises (TRUST...if your boyfriend is all into spoilers and engines and ground effects and customized car shit like that, RUN don't walk, because he's packing a chapstick). In fact, if you go to the "A Shot at Love 2" Wikipedia page, you will notice that some of the reasons she eliminated contestants include things like "creeped her out by 'doing too much research on the internet' on her" and "was too much of a stalker." While I can attest that when someone does too much research on the internets on me is indeed a huge turn-off, I also have to say to Tila that it comes with the fucking territory when you are an omega-list internet celebrity. If I write about my life on the internets, then it's a given that I'm going to field a few e-mails from random people talking to me like they've known me for years, or looking up my Facebook/MySpace pages, or whatever else. Tila should know, since she's in the real alphabet of internet celebrity what with all those millions of MySpace friends. She's at least an F-list internet celebrity, so she needs to stop getting surprised or shocked when the people on her dating show actually have the audacity to read the personal information about her that she's worked so hard to get online.
3. Tila Tequila actually requires these hoes to "fall in love" with her to continue having a shot at getting into her herpetic pants. I fail to see the inherent love-creating properties of activities that resemble an episode of "Double Dare" meets "Fear Factor" populated by people who all have at least one "Girls Gone Wild" credential on their CVs, and it's amazing to me that anyone could find true love amid such a shitshow. I suppose another thing complicating Tila's ability to fall in love with the ladies is the fact that she's NOT EVEN GAY! I'd wager my left ovary that if Tila's ever dined on tuna tacos, it's because her boyfriend asked her to. I'd wager my right ovary, though, that Tila has never been to a clam bake, because she realized long ago that merely kissing girls gets her a lot of attention from dudes, and why bother being a big lez in the bedroom when you can just fake it convincingly for the benefit of MySpace and MTV's audience! What does that leave us with? I have a full set of ovaries and every bitch on "A Shot at Love" has been played for a fool. Fall in love. Sha right, Tila Tequila!
4. Tila Tequila has no talent. In spite of Tila saying that she only likes go-getters who have actual careers and taking credit for the legalization of gay marriage in California, the only thing Tila has ACTUALLY done is showcase her attention whoring skills. After proving that she's the biggest hooker-ass prosty in the world of social networking, she's managed to bring her wardrobe fresh off the Rave clearance rack and her genital lesions to the small screen and that's IT! She doesn't act, sing, dance, write, or do anything that could actually be considered a job, unless you count modeling for jerk-off calendars marketed toward The Fast and the Furious set a career. Again, I know I'm a big hooker-ass prosty for internets attention as well, but at least I have a day job, and I could convince anyone who isn't a grad student that this job is somewhat useful to my fellow man. What the fuck does Tila do besides show us all what a cut-rate breast aug she got in a wardrobe of Forever 21 stripper clothes whenever possible?
5. Seriously, does ANYONE want to fuck Tila Tequila besides losers who believe 9/11 conspiracies and spend all day on MySpace wanking it and sending me messages like "hai hoynee wana chat my aim is polerigger420 holer at me kewtie pi!!!!!" and "dam ur sexiee gurl! u gota mann?" and the more rare but nonetheless extant "u lik girls? cal me i lik girls 2"? NO! I wouldn't fuck Tila Tequila and I'm a skank-ass ho myself. Usually I wouldn't pass up a hot chick in the mood for some oysters on the half shell, but I'd rather fuck Paris Hilton than Tila Tequila for public health reasons alone, which is a sad statement indeed. Luckily for the female contestants, Tila Tequila isn't really gay and isn't going to give them molluscum contagiosum or any of those weird lesbian STDs. Not as lucky for the girls and the guys is the fact that you can get herpes by kissing.
I pray that Tila finds love this time around, because I'm not sure I can stand another season of faux bisexuality and shockingly arrogant retardation as only Tila Tequila can serve up. If she doesn't, I might start thinking I'm too old for MTV, and that will mean giving up incredibly deep, painstakingly produced, tightly scripted productions of high art like "The Hills"! That can't happen, so MTV needs to tell Tila next time around that her shots at love have run the fuck out.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, lezbollah, media whores, MySpace, sluts, TV
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