Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the U.S. Women's Olympic Gymnastics Team
DOB: 1988-1994
Occupation: kicking some Chinese gymnastics team ass (and the rest of the world's too) in Beijing come August!
Hometown: everywhere from Des Moines, Iowa to Moscow, Russia
Current residence: wherever Marta Karolyi is running her Olympics team training camp
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Sunday night, LL Cool Jew and I were watching the U.S. Olympics Trials in women's gymnastics. LL Cool Jew is Olympics-crazy, so I can always count on her to do some interstate trial watching via text message. Since girls–including me–seem to invariably have an innate interest in gymnastics, I figured that she would be watching this for sure and I wasn't wrong. In fact, the only thing that kept her from the whole thing was some wedding shower she had to attend.
Razzy: R u watchn the olympic trials?In addition to being excited about the appearance of the excessively energetic Bela Karolyi and feeling sufficiently gross for having dirty lesbian fantasies about a 16-year-old, I am really looking forward to watching our national gymnastics team kick some international ass come August. I did some internets research on the ladies, and surmised that LL Cool Jew's prediction of Olympic glory for our gymnasts is very, very possible. I also checked Wikipedia and discovered that Nastia Liukin is actually 18, so I'm marginally less of a creep. Shawn Johnson, bitch though I think she is behind closed doors, apparently does the most technically difficult, complicated gymnastics moves in the sport. Nastia Liukin has won four all-around world championships. Alicia Sacramone has seven various world championship medals under her leotard belt, and Chellsie Memmel also has an all-around world championship, and has two separate moves named after her. These bitches are totally fierce and they are going to kick ass. Plus, as LL Cool Jew pointed out, they do not look as emaciated as gymnasts typically do. All these ladies have at least A cups (which for a gymnast is an unbelievable rack) and many of them have fine, round asses. I do not feel as disturbed as I normally do watching elite gymnasts running around in their leotards, because they actually appear to have gone through puberty and don't look like super athletic versions of Gollum.
LL Cool Jew: dude! just got hm from shittastic bridal showr. takn th dogs out thn change thn trials! s th gymnastics on yet?
Razzy: Yes! Gymsnatchtits on now!
LL Cool Jew: did u know this yrs wmns gymnastics team may b th strongest ever?? shawn johnson, nastia liukin n chellsie memmel r the 1s 2 watch!
Razzy: Shawn johnson just won a trip 2 beijing!
LL Cool Jew: o shit! i'll b on th couch in 5
LL Cool Jew: shit! is it over??
Razzy: Almost. Some loser prancn 2 tocatta and fugue
Razzy: Dude i wld have a kells jam 4 my floor routine
LL Cool Jew: just turned it on. dont they look less deprived n hungry as gymnasts usually r?
Razzy: Yes! They all have t & a.
Razzy: I miss bela karolyis crazy ass on the gymnasty scene
Razzy: Shawn johnson s such a bitch. I can tell.
LL Cool Jew: u r so mean! she was gracious. n dont worry abt misn bela, his wifes th coach now. he'll b around
Razzy: I m such a hater but m telln u: sj s a nightmare when the cameras r off
LL Cool Jew: omg have u seen alicia scarmone. she is my girlfriend dude
Razzy: S that ths blonde ho?
Razzy: Her taste n music sux hard
LL Cool Jew: kinda dark blond. blue leotard. h o t.
Razzy: Floor exercise music blows
Razzy: Ths music s like carnaval meets a rave n the basement of emerson house. Lame
LL Cool Jew: i thnk th us womens gymnastics team is th daily dude. shawn johnson n nastia l. r th no. 1 & 2 gymnsts n th world! we will dominate! u! s! a!
LL Cool Jew: vault n esp balance beam r th best (and most dangerous)
Razzy: Balance beam blows my mind
LL Cool Jew: i know! th level of difficulty is such that its hard 2 fathom what yr seeing s evn possible
LL Cool Jew: o! n ths chelsea memml was the 2003 world champion but got injurd n cdnt go 2 athens n now shes makn her big comeback!
LL Cool Jew: watch: sj on wheaties box *with a quickness*
Razzy: Trust. I thnk nastia s hot n has a hot ass name
LL Cool Jew: her eyes are wonky. her name s scary.
LL Cool Jew: they hate each other
Razzy: Shes a terror n the sack. Shes nastia!
Razzy: Id hit it w nastia liukin
LL Cool Jew: shes 16
Razzy: Alicia sacramone is hot. Id hit that 2
LL Cool Jew: and shes 20! but i saw her first
LL Cool Jew: nastia s 16. alicia s 20.
Razzy: 16? My bad. Again, cue the bump n grind remix
Razzy: Ill look up nastia n 2 years
LL Cool Jew: alicia sacarmone has lesbish body language
Razzy: Shes no stranger to a clam bake 4 sure
Razzy: Yes! Bela!
LL Cool Jew: theres bela
Apparently, the next day, LL Cool Jew got into it with her mother about our gymnastics team. LL Cool Jew's mom is a kung fu master who used to work as a bodyguard for the Black Panthers in the 70s, and her radical leanings apparently stunt her patriotism somewhat. In spite of the fact that I know LL Cool Jew's mom watches the Olympics, she apparently roots for foreigners "on principle."
LL Cool Jew: you knowEven if LL Cool Jew's mom isn't feeling it, I'm still convinced that our gymnastics team is going to smote some Chinese and Romanian and Russian and every other gymnastics-loving nation's ruin on the mountainside. USA! U!S!A! U!S!A!
LL Cool Jew: i just have to tell you this story about my mom
LL Cool Jew: you will so be the exact right person to tell about this
Razzy: k
LL Cool Jew: she is 100% the person ronald reagan meant when he talked about the "blame america first crowd"
Razzy: lol for realz
LL Cool Jew: we were talking about the u.s. women's gymnastics team
LL Cool Jew: i was remarking on how dominant they will be
Razzy:: she started to hate?
LL Cool Jew: and i had the temerity to add a little "U! S! A!" at the end
Razzy: i love the U! S! A!
Razzy: that is like my favorite american thing to do
LL Cool Jew: she totz went ballistic
LL Cool Jew: about how jingoistic i was being
LL Cool Jew: and i was like
LL Cool Jew: HOLD ON LADY.
Razzy: "jingoistic"
Razzy: lol
LL Cool Jew: the olympics are ALL ABOUT NATIONALISM
Razzy: sorry, mom, but you ARE american
LL Cool Jew: and do you think your precious CHINESE aren't approaching this as the most major NATIONALISTIC DEMONSTRATION IN THEIR 5000-YEAR HISTORY????
Razzy: either love the olympics or STFU!
Razzy: well, for fucking real!
Razzy: is she rooting for china?
LL Cool Jew: she DOES love teh olympics but she likes to root for foreigners on principle!
LL Cool Jew: what principle? don't ask
LL Cool Jew: i don't know
LL Cool Jew: BLAME AMERICA FIRST i guess
LL Cool Jew: and i was like look
LL Cool Jew: the economy's in the shitter
LL Cool Jew: we have a craptastic and emabrrassing president
LL Cool Jew: the dollar ain't worth a damn
LL Cool Jew: we could use some cheering up!
Razzy: let's get excited about our gymsnatchtits team!
LL Cool Jew: nothing like a good old-fashioned display of american excellence to perk us up!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, LL Cool Jew, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
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A (I assume) jew who protected the Black Panthers? Who hates America? She sounds profoundly confused. Perhaps she should turn in the passport and move to Canada?
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# posted by 
: 6/24/2008 5:10 PM
: 6/24/2008 5:10 PM Links to this post:
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