Friday, June 06, 2008
Forecast for Seattle: the sucking balls continues
In addition to enforcing bullshit policies against watching two hot ladies play tonsil hockey at Mariners games, Seattle continues its tradition of attempted (and failed) politically correct lameness. According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the city is contemplating banning beach bonfires because they contribute to global warming.
Good idea, Seattle. Let everyone know that when it comes to the environment, you are not only the most annoyingly self-righteous city in America, you are also the dumbest. Because while surely the bonfires at Alki Beach do emit some evil ozone-destroying, planet-warming carbon, so do the trillions of fucking SUVs that clog every single one of your freeways, except exponentially more. "But the people of Seattle are so fucking green, Razzy!" you might say. "I've read about how they all love to throw on their REI fleeces and hit the many beautiful hiking spots in the P-N-Dub! I've watched 'Gray's Anatomy'! I like Death Cab for Cutie! The people of Seattle are obnoxious, smug pseudo-intellectual liberals who love the outdoors and sit around at coffeeshops worshiping Al Gore! Seattle loves the environment! How could it be that they are among the most gaz-guzzling car addicts on the West Coast?"
I'll tell you how that can be: public transportation in Seattle sucks, as it indicates the engineering skills you would expect from the great minds who unwittingly named their trolley "the SLUT." When I lived in Tacoma, I worked in Seattle and drove the 35 miles each way up I-5 every day. I would have loved to take the Sounder, the light rail commuter train that the region unleashed with great fanfare. However, the Sounder was more expensive than driving (although that may not be true now that gas prices are about twice what they were in 2000-2003), ran only 3 times in the morning and 3 times at night, and ended up in a spot in Seattle where I'd either have to walk over a mile up a very, VERY steep hill to work or take two notoriously inefficient buses. Even worse, if I had to work late and miss the last Sounder back to Tacoma, I would have to take the bus, which is not only infuriatingly slow (even the express bus), but would drop me off at a different location in Tacoma over a mile away from the Sounder Park and Ride in one of the worst parts of town. The only thing I can say to the prospect of me walking past all the hookers and crackheads on Puyallup Avenue in my business slutty work clothes after dark is a vehement SHA RIGHT. It was cheaper and easier to cope with the traffic by rolling solo in my Honda Civic. Most everyone else living outside Seattle, whether down south like me, on the east side in Bellevue, or north in Everett, thought so too. Hence there were so many single person occupancy vehicles on the road that it would sometimes take me almost two hours to make the trip between Seattle and Tacoma.
There are many things I love about the P-N-Dub. And as much as its residents and social scene annoys me, Seattle is a beautiful city with amazing seafood and a hot fucking NFL team. However, the outrageous stupidity of the ecologically-minded powers that be continues to amaze me. Rather than devise effective, meaningful new mass transit solutions or create incentives for people to car pool or drive hybrid vehicles or do SOMETHING that would fix the appallingly bad traffic problems, Seattle thinks that it should ban beach fires. Congratulations, Seattle, on letting the world know that your city leaders are not only dumb as a box of fucking rocks and completely ineffective at realizing its do-gooder goals for the planet, but no fun whatsoever. At this point there's a 90% likelihood that I'll be coming out to the P-N-Dub this August to squire my pal JerseyGirl around and show her the sights, and we'll make sure to build a beach fire to rival the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory just to be assholes. Fuck your beach burn ban, Seattle.
Labels: fuck the planet, P-N-Dub, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, tyrannical rulers
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