Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Huge load (of shit)
As I mentioned yesterday, I'm bad about checking my razzy@razzy.org e-mail sometimes because the e-mail program sucks and does a terrible job at filtering out spam. Therefore I have to try to sort through all the mail and delete 90% of it before I can read the adoring words from Razzyphiles and the wishes of death, disease, and lifelong misery from Razzy Haters. I'm always astounded at the sheer volume of spam I receive promising enhancement to the form and function of my non-existent penis. Are there really enough guys out there dumb enough to buy something from an e-mail that reads "Make it hard as a br1ck!" or "Pund her hard all nit3 with ur new powerful 1ove mussle fleshrod!" sent from a Czechoslovakian e-mail address that looks like an eye chart and directs you to some sketchy website? There must be, because the flow of this type of spam seems endless. However, I noticed a new variation on the spam theme of penis enhancement that shocked me a little.
"BLOW HER AWAY WITH YOUR BIGGER LOADS!" the e-mail subject proclaimed. Bigger loads? As in more volume of ejaculated semen? I was mystified. What's the point of that? Surely this means something else.
I hit the internets, and sure enough, that is EXACTLY what this spam was selling. I found a website promising all sorts of ridiculous benefits to using "sperm enhancing" products called VolumePills (which supposedly "allow any man to cum like a porn star") and Semenax (which supposedly "gives you the ability to shoot a load as far and as powerful as anyone you have ever seen in a movie"):
After a quick read of the propaganda, I was even more mystified by this line of bullshit. It's news to me that "being able to produce a massive amount of semen is the key to getting more women." I've slept with my fair share of dudes and never once has my qualification pre-screening (translation: buy me a drink and tell me I'm pretty and/or smart) involved determining whether or not they can blow a Peter North-sized load. I don't usually care much one way or the other, and I have sort of a semen fetish. I love it when guys do hot porn star shit with their jizz. While I don't like taking it to the face without being warned first, I DO like it when guys give me pearl necklaces or shout "DRAINAGE!" when they're spraying all over my ass and lower back. Nonetheless, I have never heard "a woman talk about a man who shoots a small load without laughing" as the website suggests. In fact, I've never heard women talk about this much at all. Usually, we ladies only care about semen in that it doesn't taste bad, it doesn't stink, it isn't chunky or otherwise possibly diseased, and you don't get it in our eyes, because a cumshot to the peepers stings like a bitch. I've never thought, "Wow, that was a pretty pathetic paltry volume of ejaculate. What a loser."
After a quick read of the propaganda, I was even more mystified by this line of bullshit. It's news to me that "being able to produce a massive amount of semen is the key to getting more women." I've slept with my fair share of dudes and never once has my qualification pre-screening (translation: buy me a drink and tell me I'm pretty and/or smart) involved determining whether or not they can blow a Peter North-sized load. I don't usually care much one way or the other, and I have sort of a semen fetish. I love it when guys do hot porn star shit with their jizz. While I don't like taking it to the face without being warned first, I DO like it when guys give me pearl necklaces or shout "DRAINAGE!" when they're spraying all over my ass and lower back. Nonetheless, I have never heard "a woman talk about a man who shoots a small load without laughing" as the website suggests. In fact, I've never heard women talk about this much at all. Usually, we ladies only care about semen in that it doesn't taste bad, it doesn't stink, it isn't chunky or otherwise possibly diseased, and you don't get it in our eyes, because a cumshot to the peepers stings like a bitch. I've never thought, "Wow, that was a pretty pathetic paltry volume of ejaculate. What a loser."
I also don't believe that "men who shoot weak loads are often timid and meek." One of my high school boyfriends was timid and meek, and he produced such copious volumes of cum that after sex I would have to change my pants because my entire pelvic area from stem to stern would be so goddamn sodden. It made sex in the car (the number one preferred location for illicit teenaged high school sex) a royal pain in the ass in terms of mess, too. In fact, the only advantage I can think of regarding making lots of baby gravy is that it's probably easier to knock a girl up with, which is an undesirable thing in my book. Supporting this theory is the fact that my high school boyfriend now has two kids.
This sounds to me like a marketing myth that, for whatever reason, men are especially susceptible to, or what I call the "strap-on blowjob" phenomenon. In porn, you always see chicks sucking some other chick's strap-on, and the recipient is always moaning and acting like it's driving her wild. While I guess it's mentally kind of hot to see that and it makes practical sense to lube up your dildo, it's not like the chick wearing the strap-on can actually feel the fabulous blowjob she's getting. Having used strap-ons to bang chicks myself, I can say with certainty that the real trick to using one is learning how to work your partner's cooch blindly. When you're fingerbanging a chick or licking her snatch, you can get the lay of the land by touch. With a strap-on, you have to rely on your instincts, because you can't feel anything that's going on in there. In fact, when I first started using it last year, I had a terrible time even figuring out the correct angle to even commence penetration (thanks to all your helpful tips, by the way, that has now been resolved). The point is that the strap-on blowjobs so common to pornography are believable only to men, whose own love of fellatio render them especially gullible when it comes to buying that this act is awesome for the woman receiving it. The concept that blowing a gigantic load is guaranteed to get a guy laid like Hugh Hefner is the strap-on blowjob of penis enhancement lore.
Ladies can feel free to tell me that I'm wrong and that they actually do give a flying reverse piledriver about how much semen a man can produce with any given orgasm, but I am pretty confident that the vast majority of bitches DO NOT CARE. So, guys, save your money. Your ejaculate's size is much less important than its texture, smell, and taste. Besides, these pills probably don't work anyway. If you buy them, then it will actually hinder your chances of getting laid because it will demonstrate to all your prospective sex partners that you are STUPID.
Labels: gross, lezbollah, perversion, porn, Razzification, sex, sluts, weiners
Comments:
Links to this post:
<< Home
Razzy baby ... Taste and smell ... top priority - bar none. Quantity? It's always impressive when you encounter the odd dude with the massive load, but by NO means is it any sort of requirement. Guys are WAY too paranoid ... Dudes - just fucking work it! lol
L&L
Post a Comment
L&L
# posted by 
: 6/03/2008 6:10 PM
: 6/03/2008 6:10 PM Links to this post:
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
