Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Brett Favre
Name: Brett Lorenzo Favre
DOB: October 10, 1969
Occupation: media whore and possibly unretired Green Bay Packers quarterback
Hometown: Gulfport, Mississippi
Current residence: Kiln, Mississippi
Douchebaggery: I have always been a Favre hater for a number of reasons. First, he's incredibly annoying and smug. I could care less about his opinion of how tough he is for holding the NFL's quarterback consecutive start record. While I'll grudgingly recognize that it's impressive he holds the NFL records for career touchdowns, passing attempts, and passing yards, I'd rather take his ego down a peg by mentioning that he also has earned the illustrious honor of holding the record for career interceptions. Also, I hate his attitude of entitlement. Certainly he's had a great NFL career and deserves the three MVP awards he won. However, thanks to the Cult of Favre in Green Bay, Brett seems to think this makes him some kind of minor deity. He therefore spent his last five seasons holding the Packers hostage while he hemmed and hawed about whether he was going to hang up old #4, and probably cost them the opportunity to build a new offense around a new quarterback thanks to his self-righteous indecision. I'm sure if he gave them a clear answer, the Packers could have an adjusted free agent and draft strategy, and begin the process of building a Favre-free franchise. Instead, he always had to go back to his farm, chew on a piece of straw or whatever it is hayseeds do when they're thinking hard, and at the last minute say something like, "Okay...I'll bless you with my increasingly inconsistent performances for ONE more year."
Therefore, when he retired this year, I was delighted, and not just because this meant a Favre-free and thus offensively shaken-up Packers causing fewer potential problems for the Seahawks in the NFC playoffs. No more commentator Favre-worship, no more hearing about his 8,756th comeback to old form, no more blaming his receivers for interceptions he threw, no more whining about whether his thumb will get in the way of his precious consecutive starting record...NO MORE FUCKING BRETT FAVRE! I figured he would just head back to the Magnolia State, literally put himself out to pasture, and drive around on his tractor. However, I figured WRONG.
Now, the sports media is abuzz with the information that Favre wants to come back to the Pack. Like the equally detestable Roger Clemens, Favre didn't even enjoy a solitary year of retirement before he said, "Oops, changed my mind! Tell John Madden to pull his dick out and get ready to start jerking rapturously, because I guess I don't want to be retired after all." I hate these assholes who make a big show out of retiring, spur a zillion SportsCenter montages about great moments in their career, and whip the media into a frenzy of nostalgia, only to change their mind and be like, "PSYCH! Fooled you!" The term "retirement" implies that you are fucking FINISHED with whatever you're retiring from; if you just want a quiet off-season, you should call it a fucking sabbatical (although given his unimpressive Wonderlic test score, it's doubtful if Brett knows the meaning of "sabbatical"). Claiming retirement when you plan on returning the next fucking season is just an excuse to have a laudatory press conference because you're in the mood for some fan adulation.
I'm not surprised that Brett Favre has made like Clemens, Michael Jordan, and Jay-Z before him and returned from fake retirement. In fact, he probably did it just to get a lot of pre-season media attention, because the second I started seeing headlines like "Favre mulls return to Packers," I braced myself for a bunch of lengthy will-he-or-won't-he pondering analyzing the most minute developments in the story. Today, I read that Favre sent a text message to the Packers GM, because he wants to return to the gridiron on account of having "the itch." Guess what, Brett? "An itch" is something you see your dermatologist about, not something you demand one of the most storied franchises in NFL history rearrange a recently (and probably inadequately) reconfigured offense to accommodate. "An itch," much like a whim, a passing fancy, or a notion, is not something that warrants fucking around with the Packers' salary cap situation (and thus other players' contracts). "An itch" only works in terms of getting a new multimillion dollar contract when you're a cocky, unjustly deified, aging redneck non-team player like Brett Favre.
The only good thing that can come out of this is that if Favre does return, he'll hopefully have one of those seasons where he sucks righteously, throws at least three picks per game, and blames his teammates for his past-prime performance. After he increases his lead in the "most career interceptions" ranking and gives plenty of opposing team defensive backs the opportunity to make the Lambeau Leap, maybe the NFL and the people of Green Bay will send that old horse off to the glue factory where he fucking belongs.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, NFL football, retard rage
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For an athlete, "an itch" is usually a sign that his jockstrap is too tight or whatever so Favre needs to get some of that spray shit they sell for that and strat using up a can and see if that itch does not disappear.
Razzy, remember that the Cult Of Favre as you call it is based in Wisconsin, the land of cheeseheads and serial killers and that explains a lot of it. They don't have much to idolize there especially now that Tom Snyder has died and they need to have something to do to go along with all that drinking and dope smoking that they do there to pass the long, cold winters so they don't want to let the guy hang it up, and he is just obliging them.
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Razzy, remember that the Cult Of Favre as you call it is based in Wisconsin, the land of cheeseheads and serial killers and that explains a lot of it. They don't have much to idolize there especially now that Tom Snyder has died and they need to have something to do to go along with all that drinking and dope smoking that they do there to pass the long, cold winters so they don't want to let the guy hang it up, and he is just obliging them.
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