Tuesday, July 01, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: dog haters


Name: ASSHOLES

DOB: whenever assholes are born

Occupation: hating on man's best friend

Hometown: wherever assholes come from

Current residence: Toronto, Canada and New York, New York

Douchebaggery:  This past week, Razzyphile L&L e-mailed me to inform me of some very disturbing goings on at High Park in Toronto where she lives with her super cute French bulldog Lamont.  Apparently, there is an area of the "off-leash" section currently being contested by various factions.  The dog people want this to stay a dog area, while some bitch-ass environmentalist types have complained that the area is getting "trampled."  The debate has grown very heated, and as a result, some sick bastard has decided to up the ante in favor of the dog haters: by leaving out bread soaked in antifreeze.

If you don't have dogs, then you may not know that antifreeze is one of the most famous dog poisons of all time next to chocolate.  Supposedly antifreeze tastes sweet and dogs particularly like it, so every year there are some accidental dog deaths resulting from dogs licking antifreeze that spills from leaky radiators.  However, for someone to leave out chunks of bread soaked in antifreeze in the off-leash area of Toronto's version of Central Park is nothing short of a cold-hearted attempt to murder unsuspecting pets.  Already two dogs have died from eating the poisoned bread, and four are hospitalized.  The detective charged with investigating has said she believes the dog assassin is motivated by the dispute.

I am always astounded at the lengths some people will go to in order to express their disdain for dogs.  The other day I was at my local park in the informal "off-leash" area (translation: an area that nobody goes to where I illegally let my dogs run around), when some guy came up and said "Excuse me, lady, but there ARE leash laws."  I took a look at him and realized he was just some fat motherfucker who had been sitting around the chess-playing enclosure several blocks away.

"Yeah, well, they're not bothering anyone here," I said, shrugging.

"There are CHILDREN in this park," he said.  "We can't just have dogs running around when there's kids playing."  I turned to look at my dogs.  Caesar was sitting chewing on a stick, and Chingy! was sniffing a tree trunk/potential urine target like a wine connoisseur with a glass of vintage Cabernet.   Likewise, I didn't see ANY children anywhere nearby.

"My dogs aren't bothering anyone," I reiterated slightly more defiantly.  "And they are very friendly.  They don't even pay attention to children."

The guy started getting pissed.  "That doesn't matter!  You need to leash those animals RIGHT NOW.  There are children here!"

"Yeah, I get that," I said, starting to get pissed.  Where does this motherfucker get off telling me that these absent children are supposed to be my concern?  I HATE kids.  I WISH my dogs would start harassing them rather than ignoring them in favor of sticks to chase and bushes to piss on.  Furthermore, I can see in the distance that the chess area table this tubby fucker had just vacated was filled with dudes passing around a blunt.  Apparently, my dogs not bothering anyone is a big threat to kids, but OPENLY SMOKING POT NEXT TO THE FUCKING PLAYGROUND is not.  "Well, are you a cop?  Are you going to write me a ticket?"  I asked bitchily.  I figured as long as he was busy getting high with his chess-playing friends, he wouldn't snitch.  I figured wrong.

"I'm calling the cops, you fucking entitled white bitch!" he snarled at me, pulling out his cell phone.  

I gave him a venomous eye-roll, and leashed my dogs.  Not that the cops would come in a rapid manner for such a complaint, or actually get me in very much trouble, but in New York City a leash law violations isn't a ticket; it's a summons that you HAVE to go to court for.  Not wanting to deal with that hassle and not wanting to ultimately pay $100 per dog, I figured I would just end our morning constitutional there.   "Fine," I said in my bitchiest tone of voice.  "We're leaving."  

Unfortunately, even complying with his request didn't shut this fucker up.  "YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU THINK YOU OWN THE PARK?"  he shouted at me.  "YOU FUCKING ENTITLED PEOPLE WITH YOUR FUCKING DOGS!  IT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING PARK!"

"Oh, really?" I snapped back.  "I didn't realize it was actually YOUR park!"

"THERE ARE FUCKING KIDS PLAYING HERE!  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR FUCKING DOGS, YOU FUCKING WHITE BITCH!"

I'm not going to even attempt reasoning or shouting at someone whose argument revolves around the fact that I'm acting "entitled," I'm white, I'm a bitch, and there are allegedly children in the vicinity who can be somehow damaged by my dogs.  Sure, my dogs were in violation of the leash law, but as I said, they weren't anywhere near him, his blunt-smoking chess friends, or any children.  I always try to stay away from other people in the park when letting my dogs run around to be respectful of the fact that not everyone is dog-crazy, and to avoid such conflicts.  Furthermore, there are a ton of people who let their dogs run around in this area, and to my knowledge no problems have occurred related to dog bites or anything of that ilk.  This guy just hates dogs, so he decided to shamble halfway across the park to bark orders at me, threaten police involvement, and inexplicably bring my racial phenotype and supposed sense of entitlement to unleash my dogs in an unused green space into the matter.  All I can say to a dude like that is "FUCK YOU, HATER!"

I can't understand where dog haters come from, because dogs make my life wonderful.  Sure, they're a pain in the ass, but at the end of the day, my dogs are fantastic companions who bring a great deal of joy into my life and I love them dearly (even Chingy!).  I can understand how someone like J-Sexy, who is a "tidy" person according to her, doesn't want to own dogs because of the problems with hair and slobber and poop-scooping that comes with the territory.   Even she understands, though, how deeply dog owners bond with their pets and love them as members of their family.  However, I cannot understand why anyone would go out of their way to ensure that my dogs have to stay on a leash in spite of not threatening or harassing anyone, much less resort to poisoning dogs for the crime of trampling grass in the course of exercising and playing.  There is something inherently wrong with a person who hates a sweet, loving, completely innocent dog's existence so much that they would conspire to kill them with antifreeze-soaked bread (as well as any other unfortunate animals in the area, such as the raccoons that have died as collateral damage).  Between the racist leash law snitch in my park and the underground dog murderer in Canada, dog hating is on the rise.  I can only assume this means that the contemporary human condition is in even worse shape than I originally thought.  

And on that depressing note, I'm going to go walk my dogs OFF-LEASH.  Illegally.  Fuck the dog haters. 

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# posted by Razzy @ 5:02 AM
Comments:
I think many "dog-haters" are really "dog-people-haters" with good reason. How could anyone hate a dog (certain breeds excepted. But how could you not hate the certain type of dog owner - you know, the bitchy, "I own the sidewalk" get the hell out of me and my dog's way dog-owner.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7/02/2008 9:55 AM
 
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