RazzyBlog: Daily Douchebag: the Svedka vodka robot

Monday, July 21, 2008

Daily Douchebag: the Svedka vodka robot

Name: the Svedka vodka robot

DOB: 2007

Occupation: turning me off the idea of ever ordering Svedka vodka

Hometown: Sweden?

Current residence: the internets

Douchebaggery: I see these ads for Svedka vodka all over the internets. I can't recall a single occasion in which I or anyone I've witnessed ever ordered Svedka vodka, but Svedka is trying to change that with totally ubiquitous online ads. All my trusty gossip websites, my social slutworking websites, even some of my news websites have ads pimping Svedka. Too bad Svedka's marketing strategy ensures that I'd rather choke on syphilitic dick than allow a stray drop of a Svedka martini cross my lips.

Svedka's ads rely on sex appeal, which normally does the job for me. I'll buy almost any product if it makes me think of getting laid. However, Svedka's "sex appeal" is embodied by this futuristic sex droid reminiscent of the offspring of a blow-up doll and the robots from the CGI shitshow known as I, Robot. There is something inherently really creepy about what looks like some sort of Kim Kardashian Terminator with all its flesh stripped off. From a strictly pragmatic perspective, I also think this sexbot looks pretty useless. How are you supposed to have sex with that thing? From what I can see, it doesn't come equipped with a vagina module. What good is a voluptuous robot with DD tits if you can't use it for your perverse gratification? From what I can tell, the best this thing can do is maybe give some oral, but I question even that since her mouth plug-in always seems busy drinking some kind of Svedka cocktail. I have no use whatsoever for an unsettling sexless sex machine that's going to sit around drinking all my swill.

I suppose Svedka could be less appealing by using webcam pedophile penis shots from the "To Catch a Predator" archives or footage of Star Jones's post-gastric bypass FUPA to sell their firewater, but that's pretty much all I can think of that would turn me off more than their skeezy fem-bot. Robo-tease is not hot, and she doesn't make me either horny or thirsty for a Svedka gimlet. FAIL, Svedka marketing department!

If Svedka truly aspires to be the world's best vodka in 2033, I strongly suggest they stop turning off their potential alcoholic customers with this disturbing spokesdroid. Besides, if they insist on using robots to somehow suggest that Svedka is the vodka of the future, I can think of two WAY sexier models they could employ: