Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 5 DVDs!
DOB: July 29, 2008
Occupation: THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION
Hometown: Beverly Hills, California
Current residence: en route to my lab from Barnes and Noble's warehouse
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Many great happenings occur during Bev Niner season 5, but quite possibly the pinnacle of a mountain of awesomeness is the arrival of one hot-ass bitch named VALERIE MALONE:
Valerie was the replacement for the tempestuous and bitchy cunt Brenda Walsh, who moved to attend theater school in London when Shannen Doherty was fired for being a bitchy cunt in real life to her castmates. Luckily, Valerie brought the drama to fill Brenda's void, and exponentially improved on it. Brenda was always busy throwing fits for her parents about her high-and-mighty yet inconsistent principles, whining about Dylan McKay, and doing dumb-ass shit like getting arrested for freeing the cats in Buzzkill Zuckerman's sudden infant death syndrome research lab. Unlike Brenda, who always had some extremely moral pretext for her bitchery, Valerie has no morals whatsoever. She shows up from her hometown of Buffalo acting like a total goody-two-shoes and by the end of the first episode, is smoking pot out of her window at the Walsh house and telling her friend back home, "God, this people are such a bunch of squares."
Valerie goes on to break Steve Sanders's heart, fuck Dylan cross-eyed at a pool hall without telling him she's the new Brenda, invite her friend to town who promptly steals Donna Martin's mother's jewelry, assist Dylan in conning the con artists who stole his millions to get the money back, attempt to extort a guy out of $100,000 by faking a pregnancy, starts the Peach Pit After Dark, fucks a heroin addict and then thinks she has AIDS, tells everyone at the West Beverly 5-year high school reunion that she "works with the poor," bones David Silver and then talks him out of suicide, has about ten million SUPER bitch-offs with Kelly Taylor, scams Donna's professional shopping clients, fucks Donna's abusive musician boyfriend Ray Pruit, gets accidentally date-raped by Noah Hunter after his brother slips a roofie into her merlot, accidentally gets Brandon arrested when she leaves a joint in her car by the registration, fucks her mother's fiancé the night before their wedding, and generally lies, cheats, steals, and manipulates her way into and out of every situation. Valerie is a straight up pot-smoking slut with no apparent conscience, at least not until later episodes when she reveals that she is so damaged because her father raped her repeatedly and she popped a cap in his ass, then passed it off as a suicide. In other words, she may be the most entertaining Bev Niner character ever to grace the greatest show on earth.
Anyway, I can hardly wait until my DVDs arrive and my girls and I can pull up a sixer of brew dogs and a large selection of pepperoni pizza at JerseyGirl or Twathopper's apartments for some quality Niner time. Thanks to my apartment's paper-thin walls, I've been hearing the theme for the new "90210" issuing from my apparently CW-loving neighbor's apartment for days, so I'm more than in the mood. SEASON FIVE rules so hard!
Labels: Bev Niner, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, I LOVE IT, sluts, TV
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omfg bring it on. i just hope i don't accidentally break my tv by trying to fuck t.a.t. thru the screen
# posted by 
: 7/29/2008 2:36 PM
: 7/29/2008 2:36 PM
You might want to call her "Tiffani-Amber," if only because when I first read that I thought for a second you were referring to Joe E. Tata.
Will you be purchasing a Nine-O-branded Ipod Nano?
http://www.engadget.com/2008/07/29/limited-edition-90210-ipod-nano-surfaces-we-hardly-believe-its/
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http://www.engadget.com/2008/07/29/limited-edition-90210-ipod-nano-surfaces-we-hardly-believe-its/
# posted by : 7/30/2008 3:56 AM
: 7/30/2008 3:56 AM Links to this post:
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