Monday, July 07, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: "I Love Money"
DOB: July 6, 2008
Occupation: shamelessly trashtastic reality awesomeness
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Current residence: Sundays on Vh1 at 9 p.m.
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: In the past, I have wholeheartedly enjoyed Vh1's series of shows involving legions of fame-hungry skanks competing for the hearts of William "Flavor Flav" Drayton, Tiffany "New York" Pollard, and Bret Michaels on "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Rock of Love," respectively. Therefore, when I heard that Vh1 was rounding a bunch of my favorite aspiring rappers, former strippers and stars of the pro/am porn circuit, and assorted rejects from these shows and pitting them against one another for $250,000, I enthusiastically vowed to watch every episode. This show is going to be incredibly trashy, abysmally low class, and utterly exploitive. In other words, it's exactly the kind of thing I will totally love and chatter about constantly.
In case you missed the many (awesome) shows which lent the "stars" of "I Love Money," let me introduce you to the fine people who have traveled to Cancun or wherever to compete in the ultimate debased attention whoring contest. Behold, the incandescent figures who will restore/maintain Vh1's status as the leader in premium skankified reality television:
12 Pack from "I Love New York"
12 Pack was the overmuscled male stripper/bodybuilder/Guido fist pumper extraordinaire from ILNY who, despite his excessive protesting about not being gay despite having obtained work as a peeler for the sausage set, declared him and the latently homoerotic Heat members of an exclusive club called the "Party Boys." When New York booted him, he bragged about how he wasn't upset because he was on his way back to New Jersey to "fuck the shit out of" his ex-girlfriend.
Brandi C. from "Rock of Love"
Brandi C. caught the eye of extension-sporting baldy Bret Michaels when Erin AKA "circus tits" reduced her to tears via disparaging comments about her "meth-scratched face." Apparently, Brandi's facial injuries resulted from a car accident rather than methamphetamine-induced self-mutilation, which she considered "a disability." Much like her competitor of the same first name, Brandi C. fell back on a time-honored RoL profession: semi-pro pornography. You can see her skank skills in action by Googling the term "Brittany Burke." Of her role on the show, Brandi says "this is my life...I NEED to be here." Seemingly the Fates sat down at their cosmic loom and wove "webcam slag turned Vh1 reality whore" into the fabric of Brandi C.'s destiny.
Chance from "I Love New York"
After New York rejected him in the season 1 finale, Chance announced he was "about to go blow a blunt" and stormed off ranting about Tango, the "Ninja Turtle-lookin' motherfucker" that New York chose instead. Chance wound up vindicated when Tango dumped New York on the live reunion show, as even though he was such a character that New York's insane mother offered him $5000 to leave the show, he claimed to have too much class to drop New York on national TV. Chance is also famous for trying to promote his rap group, the Stallionaires (named for his family's horse-rearing business), and coining the term "water dogs" to describe dolphins. Judging by the number of Stallionaires money sign-adorned scarves and hats he dons, Chance definitely loves money, so I'm sure he will make a formidable competitor.
Destiney from "Rock of Love 2"
This bisexual stripper spells her name "Destiney." Enough said. Wait...is she a stripper? I just assume that everyone from RoL has worked in the sex industry at one point or another.
The Entertainer from "I Love New York 2"
Hailing from Queens where he lives with his parents, The Entertainer became notable when he tried to kick ILNY2 winner Tailor Made's ass at family dinner. The Entertainer's mother proceeded to get into a vicious war or words with New York's mother Sister Patterson, and ultimately New York sent him packing. The Entertainer has now stated that, if he wins the $250,000 grand prize, he will spend it on moving out of his mom's house.
Heat from "I Love New York"
Heat was deprived of his chain by New York because he claimed that in the hierarchy of women in his family, she would be entitled to eat last after his mother and his ya-ya. New York didn't take kindly to Heat feeding his familial matriarchs while she "starved," and sent him off. However, Heat didn't sit idly by. Along with his fellow entrepreneur and partner in drunken latent homoeroticism 12 Pack, Heat began touring the Jersey Shore club scene as one half of the "Party Boys." I'm sure he's going to make some smart investments with his winnings, and by "smart investments" I mean he's going to buy out the supply of Jaeger bombs at every 18 and over club in Bridgewater.
Heather from "Rock of Love" AND two awesome standout episodes of "Rock of Love 2"
Heather is the crazy hotness. Not only does she have the world's most refined taste in clothing and is singlehandedly keeping Aqua Net in business, she actually went to far as to tattoo "Bret" on her neck to show her love for the aging Mr. Michaels. Unfortunately, neither the tattoo, her talents at pole dancing, or her willingness to have orgies with whatever other willing skanks happen to be living in the RoL house were enough to win Bret's heart. I'm glad that Heather hasn't let heartbreak interfere with her career in televised drunken sluttery.
Hoopz from "Flavor of Love"
Hoopz beat New York out for Flavor Flav's affection in the original FoL, and then promptly dumped Flav (supposedly for T.I. which is a definitive upgrade in the short rapper department), because he is butt ugly. Unfortunately, Hoopz's triumph in FoL has not resulted in a meaningful celebrity career, and thus she's giving Vh1 another go-round. I suspect Hoopz will be a real contender matched only by the aforementioned elegant and sophisticated Heather.
Megan from "Rock of Love 2"
Since crying over the rejection Bret Michaels gave her, Megan has recovered and gotten "old has-beens" out of her system. She also discovered her calling, which apparently is rescuing retarded Chihuahuas. Given that she said her ambition is to build a house with a glass-ceilinged room so she can "tan even when it's cold out," I'm wondering if she isn't a case of a dog lover selecting a pet with a matching personality.
Midget Mac from "I Love New York 2"
I LOVE Midget Mac. In fact, I was so upset when he was eliminated from ILNY2 that I douchebagged New York. He's like two feet tall, he can't swim, he's some kind of rap video hype man, and his thoughts regarding his prospects are "I only nervous when the condom breaks." This is probably a reasonable concern, as he has two bastard kids and is thus accustomed to receiving what Lil' Wayne calls "that 'I think I'm late' text." He also apparently hates women, and refuses to apologize to Brandi C. for calling her a ho despite Rodeo's reasonable mediating. Unbelievably, Midget Mac got booted last night for his lack of "mental stability." Like the man himself, his tenure on "I Love Money" was apparently short and sweet acrimonious.
Mr. Boston from "I Love New York"
In last night's episode, Mr. Boston introduced himself by admitting that he posts his most recent STD testing results on his bedroom door as extra incentive for visiting ladies to venture in. Brandi C. later described his patented "Boston charm" as "creeptastic creeperson." Nonetheless, based on "mental abilities only," Whiteboy selected Boston for his team, which Boston later attributed to "Jews stick together, especially on shows called 'I Love Money.'" I suspect that it's actually more because of Mr. Boston's inexplicable talents at stripping.
Nibblz from "Flavor of Love 2"
A professional dominatrix when not being rejected by Flavor Flav for working in the sex industry, I can only imagine that Nibblz's gravitas as a mistress in the BDSM-for-hire scene is increased by the fact that she lisps unbelievably around her mouthful of piercings. She seriously says things like, "I'm going to dethtroy thethe bitctheth". I bet hearing her say dominatrix things like "Bow to your mithtress" and "Bend over and thpread 'em, thlave!" makes her clients submit like what.
Pumkin from "Flavor of Love"
Pumkin made New York's career when she spit on her during a fight on "Flavor of Love." New York went berserk, threw herself at Pumkin like a rabid weasel, and literally swore to "cut that bitch in half." Several years later, New York is still threatening to bisect her enemies on yet another Vh1 reality series revolving around her craziness, and Pumkin is still spitting for the camera whenever she gets a chance in the desperate hope of remaining relevant as that middle-aged-looking 20-year-old who spit on New York.
Real from "I Love New York"
Chance's brother and fellow Stallionaire, Real claims to be more centered than his tempestuous younger brother and seemed deeply saddened when New York sent his long-haired Jermaine Dupri-looking ass back to the horse farm in ILNY. I can't wait to see what happens when he competes against his family for 250,000 clams rather than the heart of the woman with the most ridiculous breasts on the planet.
Rodeo from "Rock of Love"
Bret sent Rodeo packing because she wouldn't shut up about her kid, and because he seemed to instinctively know that Rodeo was too mature and grounded to ever succeed as his television-selected girlfriend. However, Rodeo is back to prove Bret wrong about that by joining the skanks in Mexico to prove her love of money and Z-list reality fame.
Toastee from "Flavor of Love 2"
Toastee's brief dalliance with low-rent porn got her booted by Flavor Flav (who, despite his constant "WOOOOWWWW"-ing about women's bodies, is ostensibly a family man too good for dating a homemade porn star. While I think this is patently unfair, I have to admit that Flav probably dodged a bullet. During the intro show, Toastee showed viewers around her house in Pennsylvania, which is filled with disturbing roadkill taxidermy. She also wants to use her financial winnings to attend med school, presumably an offshoot of her interest in dissection and dead animal art. I think she might actually be a budding serial killer.
Whiteboy from "I Love New York"
According to Whiteboy, he's participating because he has "bills to pay and cars to buy, and investments to invest in." Spoken like the true would-be Jewish gangster he has fashioned himself to be. So far, Whiteboy has lived up to his self-styled hip-hop-influenced Meyer Lansky image and won an elusive team captain designation.
The only thing that could make this better is a guest appearance by Angelique (the incomprehensible French porn slag from RoL2), Tiffany (the incomprehensible drunk star of R. Kelly's "Rock Star" video from RoL who was constantly warning people against threatening her with a good time), Hottie (proud owner of the worst weaves–among MANY cheap extensions–appearing on FoL) and Lacey (the most evil roller derby skater in reality TV history from RoL). So, if you are remotely interesting or smart and you don't hate fun, you'll know exactly what you need to do Sundays at 9 p.m.: park your fat ass in front of the TV and switch the channel to Vh1!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Flavor of Love, I Love Money, I Love New York, media whores, Rock of Love, sluts, TV, Vh1
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