Friday, July 18, 2008
Richie Sexson goes where all former Mariners go
As a Seattle sports fan, I'm accustomed to our teams sucking. The Seahawks spent virtually all of my childhood stinking up the Kingdome. The Sonics are taking a legacy of loss to Oklahoma City, although on the bright side they are the sole Seattle team to have won a league championship...when I was an infant in 1979. Despite the fact that at the time most of my attention was devoted to breastfeeding and shitting in my diapers, I know all about the Sonics historic championship season because my mother was considering naming me "Freddie Brown" due to my propensity for jumping around her uterus during the 1978 season in which I was gestating and the Sonics lost the championship to the Washington Bullets. And the Mariners have had one year after another in which they either suck righteously or win enough to get everybody all excited, only to get unceremoniously knocked out of the postseason, usually by the goddamned sonofabitchbastard New York Yankees. Seattle should consider adding "soul-crushing sports teams" to its roster of famous exports like Windows software, Weyerhauser timber, and Starbucks coffee.
This year, the Mariners take the prize for the P-N-Dub's most disgraceful team. The Seahawks had a great draft and I have high hopes that they'll continue to beat the piss out of the rest of the shitshow known as the NFC West this fall. The Sonics are gone. That leaves the Mariners, who are without question the worst team in baseball, which I attribute to karmic reward for their hating on hot lesbian makeout sessions at Safeco Field. They can't hit, can't pitch, and can't win games under any circumstances. Somebody needs to make a cardboard cutout of the team owner and take off a piece of clothing every time they win a game or SOMETHING to motivate them. Well, actually, I doubt that any of the Mariners staff wants to see the CEO of Nintendo naked, but that worked in Major League and at this point anything is worth a try because they suck harder than me after ten scotches in a bar bathroom with a willing honey.
Since the M's don't have a diabolical yet potentially hot naked owner who actually wants them to lose and they don't have Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Jake Taylor, Pedro Cerrano, Roger Dorn, or Willie Mays Hayes on their roster, they are trying a different strategy to save their team: trimming the fucking fat. That means getting rid of the overpaid and grossly underperforming marquis players we signed with great fanfare just two short seasons ago, specifically Richie Sexson.
I'm a little disappointed by this because Richie Sexson is 6'8" tall, I get the feeling he's hung like a brontosaurus, and he looks like the type who could fuck my freckles off. Seriously, check out his pants in the above photo...even when dejected due to yet another strikeout, it literally looks like he has a tail tucked between his legs. However, if I think with my head rather than my vagina, he shouldn't let the door hit his bitch ass on the way out. The Mariners signed Sexson to a contract worth $50 million and he's played like he's making the league minimum. The past two years, he's been batting squarely around .200 with like negative fifteen RBIs and a paltry handful of home runs. I can hardly blame the M's management for trying to cut their losses. However, what annoys the hell out of me is the fact that Richie Sexson is going where Gay Rod, Randy Johnson, John Olerud, Tino Martinez, and all departing Mariners always end up: THE FUCKING NEW YORK YANKEES!
Sexson deserves to go play for Satan's own baseball team given his piss-poor performance. However, I hate the fact that the Mariners are practically a farm team for the fucking Yankees. Why do all of our players, no matter how good or bad, depart and (excepting Alex Rodriguez's brief layover in Texas) go straight to the goddamned Bronx? I can only hope that Sexson's slump gets even worse as he dons the pinstripes of the damned and he causes them to plummet to the dregs of the AL East. Or, barring that, Sexson just contributes to the perennial dearth of offense come playoff time the Yankees have experienced the past few postseasons. That's the silver lining I was looking for.
Labels: fuck the Yankees, Mariners, P-N-Dub, ranting, scathing indictments, sportsmen
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Of those players you mentioned only Martinez and Rodriguez came up with the Mariners, and as you said Rodriguez went to Texas upon leaving Seattle. Randy Johnson played for the Expos before Seattle, then Houston and Arizona before NY. Olerud was a Met and a Jay before playing for Seattle. Sexson played for Cleveland, Milwaukee and Arizona before the Mariners. So I don’t think the description of the Mariners as a Yankee farm team is really fitting. Although the only one of them (of course I don’t know about Sexson yet) that I think was worth anything in NY did come up with the Mariners. Tino! Plus I think he’s a hot piece as long as he doesn’t talk. Johnson did kick the shit out of the red sox during his stint in NY, but like so many players that end up in the Bronx, he choked like bitch giving her first bj during the post season. He failed to perform consistently during his 2 seasons in NY so his ass went back to Arizona. Olerud was only a Yankee for one season and while I’ll begrudgingly admit that GayRod is a talented ball player, I fucking hate him. Contrary to popular opinion, actual Yankee fans mostly prefer players that come up in the Yankee farm system (like Mo, Bernie that sexy bastard, and Jeter even though he need to give up that 1985 hi top on his head) and wish Steinbrenner wouldn’t bring in these useless pieces of shit from elsewhere.
# posted by 
: 7/18/2008 6:58 PM
: 7/18/2008 6:58 PM
Razzy do not forget that the Mariners once won 116 games tying the MLB record. Yes, they choked out in the playoffs that year, just as the 1906 Cubs, the other team to win 116, did, so they were following a great tradition there.
I remeber seeing Sexson play in Milwaukee, and having seats right by frist base, the fucker is huge but I don't think he has ever lived up to the hype that surrounded him. But I think that part of the reason that he did so badly for the Mariners is that he has never been the same since he fucked up his arm striking out that one time when he was with Arizona but he was still able to get his sorry ass millions of dollars, showing what is fucked up about sporst these days.
I see that the immortal Jim Riggleman is now managing the Mariners, good luck with that guy, he was manager of the Cubs back in the day ( as were thousands of others), I met him like once or twice and got his autograph, and that was about all he was good for with the Cubs, he got them into the playoffs in 1998, but Sammy Steroids was more responsible for that than Riggleman was.
With a no name, cut-rate manager and the same kind of team, I feel sorry fot the people that pay today's prices to go see major league baseball in Seatlle, they are gertting ripped off bad.
I remeber seeing Sexson play in Milwaukee, and having seats right by frist base, the fucker is huge but I don't think he has ever lived up to the hype that surrounded him. But I think that part of the reason that he did so badly for the Mariners is that he has never been the same since he fucked up his arm striking out that one time when he was with Arizona but he was still able to get his sorry ass millions of dollars, showing what is fucked up about sporst these days.
I see that the immortal Jim Riggleman is now managing the Mariners, good luck with that guy, he was manager of the Cubs back in the day ( as were thousands of others), I met him like once or twice and got his autograph, and that was about all he was good for with the Cubs, he got them into the playoffs in 1998, but Sammy Steroids was more responsible for that than Riggleman was.
With a no name, cut-rate manager and the same kind of team, I feel sorry fot the people that pay today's prices to go see major league baseball in Seatlle, they are gertting ripped off bad.
as a sports fan, and a follower of most sports teams here in seattle, i feel vindicated knowing this giant loser is finally gone. Sexson, aka Retarded Farmboy, had his productivity fall every year since he came to seattle. kinda like... oh adrian beltre. two guys they signed at the same time for mega dollars. both were total busts, sexson being the worse of the two. the mariners couldn't even trade him to get some value, because no other team was willing to give up even a 3rd or 4th round pick for a douchebag like him. that's when reality finally hits you in the face and you can see just how terrible of a player you are.
now all the mariners have to do is trade beltre (or don't resign him) and most of the pitchers, and all of their old players except for ichiro because even when he's not hitting 370, he still brings asses to fill those seats. oh, yeah, and they have to stop trading away young talent and prospects, they keep fucking killing themselves when all the fans see younger guys that didn't even have much of an opportunity to play with the m's, go somewhere else and start almost immediately and have a positive effect for that team. adam jones?
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now all the mariners have to do is trade beltre (or don't resign him) and most of the pitchers, and all of their old players except for ichiro because even when he's not hitting 370, he still brings asses to fill those seats. oh, yeah, and they have to stop trading away young talent and prospects, they keep fucking killing themselves when all the fans see younger guys that didn't even have much of an opportunity to play with the m's, go somewhere else and start almost immediately and have a positive effect for that team. adam jones?
# posted by : 7/20/2008 5:11 PM
: 7/20/2008 5:11 PM Links to this post:
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