Monday, July 28, 2008
This all kinds of WRONG
I was horrified to see THIS on the celebrity gossip internets over the weekend:
NOOOOOOOOO! How DARE you, Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!?!?! I am used to arrogant Hollywood assholes thinking that they can improve classic movies that did not in any way need an update, but doing this to Red Sonja is my breaking point.
If you haven't seen the original Red Sonja, then you are a communist, terrorist, or some other type of all-around freedom-hating dickwad degenerate with absolutely no taste. I can't tell you what Red Sonja is really about, except that Brigitte Nielsen runs around in a chain-mail negligee with Arnold Schwarzenegger in full Conan regalia and star of the woefully underappreciated series "Sidekicks" Ernie Reyes, Jr. (capitalizing, no doubt, on the Short Round-induced demand for Asian boy actors with both comic timing and martial arts skills in the early-mid 80s) swordfighting with a variety of ill-favored barbarian types, giant robotic dragon "security systems," and skanky lesbian witch-prostitutes who look fresh off the set of the Mötley Crüe "Looks That Kill" video. It's also produced by Dino de Laurentiis, who is not only responsible for David Lynch's Dune and Blue Velvet, the Conan franchise, Serpico, Death Wish, Orca, and Army of Darkness, but also founded gene pool that spawned my brother's main Food Network would-be girlfriend "Everyday Italian" host Giada de Laurentiis. Red Sonja hardly needs a coherent or memorable plot when it's working with that basic framework of extreme awesomeness.
I cannot see for the life of me how Rose McGowan is going to somehow breathe fresh new life into the role Brigitte Nielsen totally owned. Brigitte Nielsen's film career may have been short, but I nonetheless fully thought that her work as Red Sonja (as well as her roles as Mrs. Ivan Drago in Rocky IV and a hot 80s power lesbian bank robber in Beverly Hills Cop II) is worthy of a fucking Oscar. Furthermore, have you ever suffered through an instance of Rose McGowan performing her craft? Since I didn't bother sitting through the Lord of the Rings-length (and not caliber) Grindhouse, the only thing I can think of are the few episodes of "Charmed" I've seen snippets of on TNT while flipping channels. "Charmed" was generally a televised abortion and a black mark on Aaron Spelling's grand legacy that couldn't even be salvaged by a grossly overdressed Alyssa Milano or Julian McMahon's hot ass. I never really knew what it was about save some lame witches or something, but I can tell you unequivocally that Rose McGowan was no fucking Shannen Doherty, who she replaced. Hell, she wasn't even close to fellow Aaron Spelling drama Shannen Doherty replacement Tiffani-Amber Thiessen on a little (greatest show in the history of television) program known as "Beverly Hills, 90210." Lucky for her she was banging Robert Rodriguez (after twatmatizing him sufficiently to get him to leave his wife and four kids) when casting was going on for Red Sonja, because Rose McGowan couldn't act her way into my grade school's production of "Jack and the Beanstalk." She's going to make Brigitte Nielsen look like Katharine fucking Hepburn with the extent of her theatrical butchery of Red Sonja, and I hope she gets AIDS from the bloody sword she's licking in the promo poster.
This news is so upsetting that I almost forgot about another disturbing development in the world of reviving 80s cinema classics: Darren Aronofsky is on board to direct a sequel/remake to one of the finest action films of all time:
NOOOOO!!!! Not RoboCop, too! This doesn't bode well. Rather than making movie magic, Hollywood has turned into an abattoir engaged in the wholesale slaughter of its own classic material. I have a very bad feeling that any day I'm going to hear I can look forward to a remake of Red Dawn starring Justin Timberlake, Shia LaBoeuf, Brody Jenner, Miley Cyrus, and Lindsay Lohan in my local multiplex. That day will be the day I purchase a samurai sword and start looking for the sweet spot on my gut. Trust.
Labels: movies, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts
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I'd by that for a dollar. Aranofsky is a very good director, and the best by far to helm a Robocop movie since Verhoeven. The premise sounds interesting, too. Now they just need to get Peter Weller on board (unless he's unavailable filming the sequal to "Buckaroo Banzai"). Bitches leave.
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# posted by 
: 7/28/2008 4:02 PM
: 7/28/2008 4:02 PM Links to this post:
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