Monday, August 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: lame Olympic sports
DOB: various
Occupation: stealing NBC TV time from sports I actually care about and/or Bela Karolyi hating on China
Hometown: various
Current residence: Beijing, China
Douchebaggery: I haven't shut up about the Olympics, partly because I just like writing shamelessly jingoistic trash talk about how America rules and China sucks, and partly because I enjoy the spectacle of world-class athletes demonstrating their abilities in the world's premier international sporting competition. Unfortunately, some of the specific sports involved don't really do it for me. While I'm always good for a few ardent cries of "U! S! A!" and diplomatic sentiments like "That's what you get for hating freedom, you pinko human rights violators!" and "SUCK ON IT, FOREIGNERS!," I find that my nationalistic chauvinism loses a little steam while trying to get excited about shit like archery or judo.
I certainly respect the fact that the abilities of the athletes competing in these sports are light years beyond mine, and I don't mean to diminish their prowess at their sports. Obviously if I were to attempt to outfence the Olympic rapier team I'd be summarily stabbed. However, a lot of these sports are a total snorefest to watch. I get so bored that I even forget to root obnoxiously for America, and that's when I know it's time to change the channel and watch a rerun of "Project Runway" or get a little hot Mark Schlereth action on "Inside the NFL."
Archery: If this sport included more Lord of the Rings-type stuff, like dudes climbing up the sides of massive elephants to shoot entire squadrons of wild-eyed Haradrim from the southlands prior to taking out the elephant itself and sliding down its trunk while it collapses in its death throes as a final display of showmanship and finesse, I'd be more into it. Unfortunately, Olympic archery is just a bunch of balding dudes standing around shooting at a target. They don't even do that arrow-splitting thing that Robin Hood used to pull off. Unless archery is changed to involve either something like that, elves from Middle Earth, or Ted Nugent stalking a bunch of elk around some remote Michigan forest, I want no part of it.
Canoeing/Flatwater Kayaking: The only thing more lame than doing competitive rowing is doing it in a CANOE. Unless your name is Meriwether Lewis or William Clark, I am not going to be impressed by any feats of canoeing. Call me when you get involved with a real sport that Boy Scouts don't get merit badges for learning.
Equestrian: Having long gotten over the horse-craziness many girls experience during their prepubescent years, I could give a fuck about how well bitches in jodhpurs can trot a horse around a stable. They need to add a rodeo event or an actual RACE or something to spice up the snorefest that is dressage.
Fencing: I'd normally love anything that involves sabers and swordfighting, because those things remind me of pirates. Unfortunately, fencing doesn't involve wearing plumed hats, carrying a blunderbuss for show, or doing any sort of swashbuckling. Instead, fencing appears to be about wearing an outfit that looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter's anti-cannibalism muzzle and Bender from "Futurama," and they always stop people from actually stabbing each other. That kind of takes all the fun out of swordfighting, if you ask me.
Judo: It's like wrestling, except MORE boring. I don't care if this is a martial art; two seconds of judo make me wish I were at a tax seminar.
Marathon: On Saturday, I went out drinking, and while I waited for my companion in this laudable pursuit to arrive, I was watching the Olympics on the bar TV. The women's marathon was on. I got bored after about thirty seconds, when I realized there was still another three fucking hours of endurance running. I appreciate the physical feat of running 26.2 miles in just a few short hours, but that shit is not fun to watch. Showing the last minute of the race and briefing me about anyone who threw up or died en route to the finish line is perfectly adequate marathon coverage as far as I'm concerned. I got so bored with what LL Cool Jew referred to as "SNORE...running in panties." I turned my attention to the preseason Jets-Redskins game, which wasn't so much a football game as a testament to how many of the (pitiful) Jets fans in attendance already forked over cash for "Jet Favre" jerseys. You know you're in trouble when two of your favorite sporting events are on TV (Olympics and NFL football), and the overriding thought in your mind is "I hope the camera pans over to the Redskins bench so I can feast my eyes on Seahawks legend Jim Zorn."
Rhythmic gymnastics: I am staunchly opposed to any "sport" that involves ribbon twirling. The only reason to watch gymsnatchtits is watching freakishly built children perform feats of agility and athleticism that seem physically impossible. Replacing said impressive gymnastic moves with balls and sashes defeats the entire purpose.
Rowing: This should be fun, because it's a race, but I always hated crew people. My high school ex-girlfriend rowed crew, and not only was she a really shitty girlfriend, I hung out with her "crew people" in college once. They ROYALLY sucked on account of attending Harvard, and being snobs about being on the fucking Harvard sculling team or whatever. The best part of that night was watching my ex-girlfriend puke into a Harvard Coop bag while getting shafted by the dumb bitch she was drunk dialing. Karmic reward is sweet, but crew is not. The Smith crew lesbians weren't any better. They were always whining about those of us engaged in the sports of alcoholism and revelry about how they had to get up at 5 a.m. for practice. I would tell them to either fuck off and go stay at their girlfriends' lame dorm where people drink a nip peach schnapps once a month (and that's on a crazy month) and are generally more silent than a room full of deaf-mutes, or tell them they should have thought about the fact they were in college before they joined the crew team. Sometimes I'd blow a lungful of Parliament Light smoke in their faces because I'm an asshole like that. Crew sucks.
Sailing: I guess the WASPs who don't get into tennis have to have some sport to compete in. Nonetheless, I can't get behind any "sport" that involves wearing Nautica clothes and topsiders.
Soccer: Soccer (which I refuse to and will NEVER refer to as "football") is the stupidest sport on earth, and it is a testament to America's greatness that most of us here in the United States of Asskickery could give two shits about it. Who needs to get with a sport that is every European's favorite thing? Europe blows.
Shooting: I love guns, so I SHOULD like shooting. However, it's not only a bunch of shooting at targets rather than game trophies, terrorists, or mutant aliens, the commentators always get really hung up on how to do use guns safely. I can sum that up in one sentence: IT'S CALLED A SAFETY, morons. Don't point the gun at your competitor when that's off, and voila! Safe gun use. Get over it.
Tae kwon do: Wait, they DON'T actually beat the shit out of each other during a tae kwon do contest? I thought they were supposed to "sweep the leg" and "put him in a body bag," all the while having "no mercy." At least that's what I learned from the Kobra Kai dojo. Unfortunately, real Olympic karate or whatever doesn't involve anything like that, or any ass-kicking at all. It's more about shit like "form." Who cares?
Wrestling: I normally like latently homoerotic sports in which grown, usually aggressively heterosexual men writhe around in singlets, but unless there is trash-talking and some member of the McMahon family involved, I get bored quickly. In "serious" Olympic wrestling, there isn't a whole lot of trash talking save that Swedish guy who renounced his bronze medal and stormed off, and there is virtually NO entrance music. In fact, the only time I've cared about an Olympic wrestler is in this context.
Oh, it's true, it's true. The only reason I cared about Kurt Angle's Olympic gold was they gave him ample cause to continually replay his awesome entrance music circa 2001 and throw a hissy fit about fans who chanted "you suck!" to it in spite of his ascending the medal podium in Atlanta. I mean, come on, his name is Kurt Angle, and what the heck...he won a gold medal and it's around his neck! Olympic wrestling should have more of that hotness.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, NFL football, Olympics, sportsmen
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You only think its boring because you can't understand or appreciate the amount of work these athletes put into getting where they are. They are the premier in the world and most people are so uneducated, they don't realize the difference between (for example) going for a weekend canoe trip and competing at the highest level. If you had more experience with elite athletics you would probably find these sports more interesting. I recommend this article for anyone who is quick to talk trash about olympic athletes. http://www.salon.com/sports/olympics/feature/2008/08/13/fans/
It really gives some good perspective on the difference between a true champion and the ignorant fair weather fans.
It really gives some good perspective on the difference between a true champion and the ignorant fair weather fans.
# posted by 
: 8/18/2008 11:50 AM
: 8/18/2008 11:50 AM
swimming and running are more boring than most of those sports - not sure what you're getting at with this post - if you don't like em, don't watch em
# posted by : 8/18/2008 1:12 PM
: 8/18/2008 1:12 PM
Razzy, you mean you like table tennis and badminton and water polo and team handball, because you forgot to mention these things in your post.
Yeah, these are all world class athletes competing in all these Olympic events, but these fuckers have no lives whatsoever outside of what sport they compete in and that shit is sad.
Most of these boring sports are there because the stuffed shirts that run the Olympic Games like them because they make money off of them and that is the only competition that they care about, the mooching events, where they are all Gold Medalists.
I don't agree with all the jingositic shit that you mentioned, but hell yeah, Commie China sucks the almighty horse's cock, fuck Mao Zedong and everything that he stood for and once that Olympic flame is extinguished, those disciples of his that run that shithole backwards country are sure to start an agenda that fucks the rest of the world over as much as possible so Red China can go fuck off now and forever.
Yeah, these are all world class athletes competing in all these Olympic events, but these fuckers have no lives whatsoever outside of what sport they compete in and that shit is sad.
Most of these boring sports are there because the stuffed shirts that run the Olympic Games like them because they make money off of them and that is the only competition that they care about, the mooching events, where they are all Gold Medalists.
I don't agree with all the jingositic shit that you mentioned, but hell yeah, Commie China sucks the almighty horse's cock, fuck Mao Zedong and everything that he stood for and once that Olympic flame is extinguished, those disciples of his that run that shithole backwards country are sure to start an agenda that fucks the rest of the world over as much as possible so Red China can go fuck off now and forever.
Sure, make fun of world class athletes who are actually succeeding in life. Of course, you are successful, if you consider being an alcoholic a success. How about publishing some articles? So much for publish or perish: no wonder Columbia is the laughingstock of the Ivy League. By the way, you have already failed in your goal to model rhinovirus in mice (see: Bartlett et al. 2008 Nature Medicine)
# posted by : 8/18/2008 8:13 PM
: 8/18/2008 8:13 PM
You forgot about Badminton and Table Tennis (AKA Ping Pong). Sure the people competing can hit the ball or shuttlecock (snicker) at super high speeds but the fact remains that those are games you can play at a picnic or party. Whats next? Air hockey? Tetherball? Ha! These grown people look ridiculous to me playing kids games.
# posted by : 8/18/2008 8:21 PM
: 8/18/2008 8:21 PM
YESSSSSS!!!!! FINALLY!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a historic Razzy moment. My old archnemesis anonymous finally thought to check out my publication record or lack thereof to hate on me! I don't know why it's taken so long, because it's SUCH an easy target. It never even occurred to my enemies in the science world to hit me up on PubMed for the purpose of insulting me. Way to break new ground, anonymous!
But I figured that as long as you're pointing out how my shitshow of a thesis project has "failed" (ie: not published first), let me just add that Bartlett et al didn't actually originally scoop me with their shitty model that doesn't produce infectious virus. No, that honor goes to Yin and Lomax, J Gen Virol 67:2335-40 (1986). I totally failed at my doctoral thesis when I was EIGHT!
Next time, maybe you can point that out too. But nonetheless, mad props. You got me good!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a historic Razzy moment. My old archnemesis anonymous finally thought to check out my publication record or lack thereof to hate on me! I don't know why it's taken so long, because it's SUCH an easy target. It never even occurred to my enemies in the science world to hit me up on PubMed for the purpose of insulting me. Way to break new ground, anonymous!
But I figured that as long as you're pointing out how my shitshow of a thesis project has "failed" (ie: not published first), let me just add that Bartlett et al didn't actually originally scoop me with their shitty model that doesn't produce infectious virus. No, that honor goes to Yin and Lomax, J Gen Virol 67:2335-40 (1986). I totally failed at my doctoral thesis when I was EIGHT!
Next time, maybe you can point that out too. But nonetheless, mad props. You got me good!
Oh, and PS...bonus points for striking a blow at Columbia too. It IS the laughingstock of the Ivy League, and I'm so pleased you recognized that. Hell, I'm proud to be a part of it. CHECK PLUS for anonymous hater!
I'm kind of disappointed that many of the sports you mentioned were sports that evolved out of learning how to fight and/or kill people.
I'm right there with you on canoing, rhythmic anything, sailing, equestrian (and why they can't just be honest and call it "horsey stuff" I'll never know), and most of all soccer.
However, archery, wrestling, judo, shooting, taekwondo, and fencing all involve serious amounts of either real or simulated violence and, as you point out, many involve a high degree of latent homoeroticism.
While you may not like watching these things, you can at least respect the athletes for being ridiculously talented at a simulated fighting/killing and, by proxy, probably being ridiculously talented at actual fighting/killing.
I'm right there with you on canoing, rhythmic anything, sailing, equestrian (and why they can't just be honest and call it "horsey stuff" I'll never know), and most of all soccer.
However, archery, wrestling, judo, shooting, taekwondo, and fencing all involve serious amounts of either real or simulated violence and, as you point out, many involve a high degree of latent homoeroticism.
While you may not like watching these things, you can at least respect the athletes for being ridiculously talented at a simulated fighting/killing and, by proxy, probably being ridiculously talented at actual fighting/killing.
# posted by : 8/18/2008 9:52 PM
: 8/18/2008 9:52 PM
"Anonymous" is not your archenemies, or at least s/he is not your "old" one - that would be me. That being said, your response to his/her attack was lackluster. Everyone knows that when you repeat a jab in a sardonic tone, said jab has actually insulted you. Please try again.
PS. "(T)hese fuckers have no lives whatsoever outside of what sport they compete in". That's rich coming from shut-in who runs the biggest shitshow of a website in the history of the internet. You're at least 40, MU; its time to let go of all those hurt feelings left over from 4 years of dally swirlies suffered at the hands of the Varsity football team.
PS. "(T)hese fuckers have no lives whatsoever outside of what sport they compete in". That's rich coming from shut-in who runs the biggest shitshow of a website in the history of the internet. You're at least 40, MU; its time to let go of all those hurt feelings left over from 4 years of dally swirlies suffered at the hands of the Varsity football team.
# posted by : 8/18/2008 11:42 PM
: 8/18/2008 11:42 PM
Ohhhh, sorry eldest archenemy Anonymous. I have a hard time telling you guys apart...you all look the same! I also don't have your incisive ability to interpret psychology based on the tone of a comment. I've got to work on that. Next time I'd better retort in a non-sardonic tone, because clearly you're onto me!
Anonymous wuss if you hate me and my site so, why the fuck do you keep on going there? When athletes have to train like 12 or more hours a day every day for years on end to be able to make the Olympics, that does not leave much time left for a life outside of it, if you fucking actually listened to the athletes themselves talk about what they have to do, you would see that. Good guess on my age though.
How can you hate on wrestling? It's the oldest sport in human history. What is more exciting than one man vs another in a true battle; going at it without the use of hoops, or judges, or balls or bars or bats or beams, etc.. It's the truest of all sports. The only thing that sucks about it is that we Americans are not very good so have no one great to watch.
jj
PS. What the hell is up with Munderground? Every subject you write about he turns into his own personnal soapbox to promote his nazi anarchist views.
jj
PS. What the hell is up with Munderground? Every subject you write about he turns into his own personnal soapbox to promote his nazi anarchist views.
# posted by : 8/19/2008 8:44 AM
: 8/19/2008 8:44 AM
No one reads MU's site, so he goes to more popular sites and commandeers their comment pages in an attempt to disseminate his own brand of crazy to a wider audience. You should check out his site, though; it looks like it was designed by a second grader, and it has a particularly creepy free porn section.
# posted by : 8/19/2008 4:44 PM
: 8/19/2008 4:44 PM
Lets try and guess what type of life MU leads. While I'm sure his "journal" details his failings, who's going to read that shit? I prefer to speculate.
The pervy porn gallery is a dead giveaway: this guy doesn't get laid. Ever. In fact, I think he's still a virgin, unless he's paid for it. We all like porn, but it takes a special kind of dysfunction to compel a person to collect and publish a gallery of it.
The drug gallery suggests that he escapes reality every chance he gets. Given his life, could you blame him?
As I said before, I believe that he's a shut-in. He is clearly imbalanced, but I think he might also be physically crippled in some way. Don't ask me why, I just get that vibe. Either way, he's definitely drawing SSI.
The pervy porn gallery is a dead giveaway: this guy doesn't get laid. Ever. In fact, I think he's still a virgin, unless he's paid for it. We all like porn, but it takes a special kind of dysfunction to compel a person to collect and publish a gallery of it.
The drug gallery suggests that he escapes reality every chance he gets. Given his life, could you blame him?
As I said before, I believe that he's a shut-in. He is clearly imbalanced, but I think he might also be physically crippled in some way. Don't ask me why, I just get that vibe. Either way, he's definitely drawing SSI.
# posted by : 8/20/2008 8:19 AM
: 8/20/2008 8:19 AM
Thank you Tafkama for the compliment, rest assured there wil be many more of those pics.
As for the rest of the wimpy pussies that come here, I could care the fuck less what any of you think. It is a laugh that you think I come here to get visitors to my site, I don't want the vast majority of you there, the reason I use My website address instead of an e mail one is because there are bots that prowl sites like these looking tof ind e mail addresses to collect so they can send you tons of automated shit, and I have enough of a problem with that so I use the website to keep that shit away. Not 1 of you fuckers would ever have what it takes to say anything to my face in real life, you cannot even do it here, so you are a laughable joke to me
I do not have to explain my life to nay of you fuckers, but ber assured that what I see here shows me why I turn my back on all the shit that society holds dear, because the examples I see here show what that gets you.
Not 1 of you anonymous wimps ever even try to rebut anything I say, showing that you cannot, all I get is pre-school name-calling, ike saying I use every Razzy post for nefarious purposes, I guess telling her that sher needs to forgive herself for her past and not be guilty and such when she was freaking out constitutes that in your minds.
You just don't like that fact that the porn contains shit that grosses you out when you are beating off and come to a page with a tranny pic and you lose your boners, and you get pissed and blame me. The reason there's so much is that it is abundant free content, it started as a way to keep kids away from my site, and just became sort of a lark and there are fucking thousands of sites that have way more of that shit than I do, like the places where I get it.
I just scare you little wimps because I dare to question things and you have all been taught to fear that, so you act like medieval peasants all full of fear and superstition and ergot and ale, so I expect exactly what I get, so stop trying as you are dong no good and never will. Trust me, I am not trying to tell or teach you anything, as that is a lost cause in excelsior.
By the way, Mark Spitz won 7 gold medals and was the All-American hero in 1972. Anyone hear even 1 word from hom this year, even with his name everywhere, he cannot be found, that is how deeply he has sunk into obscurity, and that is what he sacrificed so much for, I bet he really thinks it was worth it now.
As for the rest of the wimpy pussies that come here, I could care the fuck less what any of you think. It is a laugh that you think I come here to get visitors to my site, I don't want the vast majority of you there, the reason I use My website address instead of an e mail one is because there are bots that prowl sites like these looking tof ind e mail addresses to collect so they can send you tons of automated shit, and I have enough of a problem with that so I use the website to keep that shit away. Not 1 of you fuckers would ever have what it takes to say anything to my face in real life, you cannot even do it here, so you are a laughable joke to me
I do not have to explain my life to nay of you fuckers, but ber assured that what I see here shows me why I turn my back on all the shit that society holds dear, because the examples I see here show what that gets you.
Not 1 of you anonymous wimps ever even try to rebut anything I say, showing that you cannot, all I get is pre-school name-calling, ike saying I use every Razzy post for nefarious purposes, I guess telling her that sher needs to forgive herself for her past and not be guilty and such when she was freaking out constitutes that in your minds.
You just don't like that fact that the porn contains shit that grosses you out when you are beating off and come to a page with a tranny pic and you lose your boners, and you get pissed and blame me. The reason there's so much is that it is abundant free content, it started as a way to keep kids away from my site, and just became sort of a lark and there are fucking thousands of sites that have way more of that shit than I do, like the places where I get it.
I just scare you little wimps because I dare to question things and you have all been taught to fear that, so you act like medieval peasants all full of fear and superstition and ergot and ale, so I expect exactly what I get, so stop trying as you are dong no good and never will. Trust me, I am not trying to tell or teach you anything, as that is a lost cause in excelsior.
By the way, Mark Spitz won 7 gold medals and was the All-American hero in 1972. Anyone hear even 1 word from hom this year, even with his name everywhere, he cannot be found, that is how deeply he has sunk into obscurity, and that is what he sacrificed so much for, I bet he really thinks it was worth it now.
Holy shit - I haven't read anything that crazy since the Unibomber's manifesto. "(E)rgot and ale"? Somebody plays Dungeons and Dragons. MU, you are a walking poster for gun control.
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# posted by : 8/21/2008 9:06 PM
: 8/21/2008 9:06 PM Links to this post:
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