Monday, August 18, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Bela Karolyi


Name: Béla Károlyi

DOB: September 13, 1942

Occupation: retired Olympic gymsnatchtits coach, NBC analyst, 

Hometown: Cluj-Napoca, Romania

Current residence: Houston, Texas

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: After closet lesbian and frat party pugilist Alicia Sacramone took fourth in the vault, Bob Costas attempted to make a predictable funny about his color commentator: "You might be surprised to hear that Bela Karolyi has an opinion about the judging." "Yes I do!" shouted Bela, who proceeded to rant about how Alicia Sacramone was "ripped off" when her flawed but serviceable vaults scored lower than one of China's vaulting twelve-year-olds who landed on her knees. I was enjoying Bela's typically amusing zealous affront perpetrated by the injustices of the judging system. He declared it "the greatest error of the scoring in this whole thing" and qualified that with a lot of expository language about his emotions delivered in his patented Yoda-meets-Transylvanian minstrel tone. I knew LL Cool Jew, a total Olympics addict, was stuck in an airport and had already suffered from some misinformation (some idiot stranger told her that the Chinese beach volleyball team beat my hot assed girlfriend Misty May-Treanor and texted me in alarm). I texted her about Bela, so that she could at least try to experience his awesomeness for herself.
Bela Karolyi on vault judging: 'a total reep off...my heart is breeking for alicia sacaramonee. How you can do this? I am getting eemotional.'
LL Cool Jew must already have boarded her flight, because she didn't get back to me. However, JerseyGirl texted me out of nowhere instead:
JerseyGirl: Omg behind the scenes of the hills, justin bobby is smokin 
Razzy: Lol. M watchn olympics but will switch over at commercial
JerseyGirl: Lc and heidi come face to face in season 4 in a drunken fight. It looks amazing. Btdubs bela karolyi–daily dude i wanna hit him
Razzy: zomg bela is awesome
JerseyGirl: Hes the hotness
While an intoxicated catfight between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag–ESPECIALLY if the dirty and despicable yet hate-fuckably hot Justin Bobby is somehow involved–sounds compelling, I kept watching the Olympics. I care more about listening to Bela Karolyi excoriate the pro-China, age-faking, score-fixing factions in Olympic gymsnatchtits judging than whether or not Heidi and Spencer leaked LC's interminably boring sex tape because LC was generally a bitch of a roommate and fake best friend. Bela Karolyi is indeed awesome, and he's the hotness, and he's basically every other conjurable superlative. 

I don't even care if Bela Karolyi built champion gymnasts in the past with a deft combination of starvation, self-esteem deconstruction, and verbal abuse. I love Bela.  I would consider it an honor, a privilege, and a pleasure to be berated by him.  I'm sad that gymsnatchtit competition is almost over, because I will miss watching him roar nonsensically in either exuberance or rage at Bob Costas about Team USA versus Team China.   Bela doesn't give a fuck, and thinks nothing of call China "arrogant cheaters" or calling the Chinese and Russian judges "inexcusable" and "abominable" on international TV from Beijing, probably while the Olympics thought police hover around dying to pull the plug.  In fact, he peppers excited shouts of "GOOD GIRL!" praising the gymnasts of Team USA with his rants about the Olympic powers that be, all the while waving his hands and shaking his fists like he's making a propaganda speech on behalf of his own local politburo in the People's Republic of Bela Karolyi Awesomeness.

In case you have been living under a rock or you're one of those losers who doesn't watch TV and thus haven't yet witnessed Bela in action, feast your eyes.  He's like a Transylvanian bear on crack with a giant, industrial broom mustache, and he rules harder than Nicolae Ceaucescu back in the days before Bela defected to the good old U.S. of A. 

Bela final
by bsap11

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# posted by Razzy @ 4:18 AM
Comments:
YES YES! Razzy Bela is so awesome... I totally turn up the volume when Bela's on, and his say-it-like-he-feels-it style is so perfectly punctuated by that undecipherable accent. I can only comprehend scraps of what he's ever talking about, but we always know what he means. Right on !

- big fan
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 8/18/2008 10:56 PM
 
one more, Razzy- please tell me you're going to daily douchebag that Australian judge who underscored Nastia. AND/OR that asinine pole-vaulting coach of US vaulter Jenn Stuczynski; did you see him give her the undeserved dressing-down for receiving a silver? What a lame-ass pansy!!!! He couldn't even look at her.

bigfan
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 8/18/2008 11:07 PM
 
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