Monday, August 11, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Michael Phelps


Name: Michael Fred Phelps

DOB: June 30, 1985

Occupation: king of the swimming pool

Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland

Current residence: Olympic Village, Beijing, China

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I normally find Michael Phelps annoying. He seems like the kind of guy who gives people a lot of "I'm Michael Phelps, fellate me" attitude when the camera's off. Sure, he has the reputation of being a really nice guy, but I'm not buying it. People said that about Apolo Anton Ohno, too, and I can tell that guy is likewise a grade A prick to be around. It's always the supposedly really nice people who are actually cocks in their personal lives. I also hate that Michael Phelps looks like the bastard child that Archie Manning abandoned at birth.

However, in spite of his suspiciously Eli "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome" Manning-esque appearance, I can't help but root for Michael Phelps. He's already set one world record and taken two gold medals. As much as I like to see people I perceive as assholes fail miserably, I have to get behind anyone who is going to give me plenty of material for obnoxious jingoistic bragging. I don't care if he is the New England Patriots of elite swimming. I just hope he doesn't make like the Pats and lose that one last important race. I want Michael Phelps to win all eight of his gold medals just so I can spend the next four years saying "HA! America rules! In your face, other countries!" Our economy is in the toilet, our president is a laughingstock, and we're the world's punching bag, so anything that restores our usual American asskicking glory is something I hearily endorse.

So, for the next two weeks I'm changing my usual "sha, Michael Phelps" attitude to a "GO KICK SOME FOREIGN ASS, MICHAEL PHELPS!" attitude. USA! U! S! A!

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# posted by Razzy @ 5:11 AM
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