Friday, August 22, 2008
The head doctor is in
"Really?" I asked. "I kind of love it."
"It's hard! I always feel like I'm going to puke," she complained, then made a face that plainly said, "EWWWWWWWWWW. You're crazy, Razzy." I wasn't surprised, because this same friend told me that in her 18-and-over clubbing years, she was kicked out of a banana fellating contest at some Jersey Shore club when she drunkenly ate her banana because she was hungry.
"Well, you can get over that with some practice," I said. "You at least get used to it. I mean, don't you blow your boyfriend once in a while to show him how much you appreciate him?"
"No way! I have regular sex with him to show him that. I NEVER S his D! He doesn't care."
"Oh, who are you KIDDING, dude? Guys LOVE having their Ds S'd. Next time you really want to show him you care, just literally suck it up. He'll be grateful...TRUST!"
A few days later, we were all drinking at this bar, and despite our best intentions to only have a few beers, after a few hours we were all suddenly brutally drunk. My friend decided this would be a stellar time to take my advice, and dragged her boyfriend into the men's room. She pulled him into a stall, pulled his dick out of his pants, and started getting her suction on. He is kind of a straight-laced guy, so this was simultaneously exciting and nerve-wracking for him. However, just when her drunken enthusiasm managed to overcome her reservations about fellatio and his reservations about receiving same in a semi-public place like the Latitude men's room, some dumb i-banker type staggered in and decided to drop a deuce in the stall next to them. Even a dirty girl like me would probably be turned off by a douchebag in expensive loafers interrupting a solid session of bar bathroom brain with an ill-timed literal shitshow. I'm not sure my friend ever gave cocksucking another fair shot, and she's since broken up with the gentleman in question.
I think that it's most unfortunate so many ladies lack enthusiasm for delivering a solid blowjob. I used to, but I've grown to truly enjoy it. For one thing, gulping it right down is the quickest way to have guys give your bedroom skills an extremely positive review, and I like having my efforts recognized. I work hard to be a hot lay, and I'm pleased when this is acknowledged. For another, there's something incredibly sexy about having what is arguably every man's favorite body part in your mouth. Men regard their penises with such reverence that it's almost like taking some kind of perverse erotic communion. Maybe that's why Catholic schoolgirls have such a reputation for being champion sword swallowers.
Sure, sucking dick isn't always easy. No matter what the movie Deep Throat might lead one to believe, I don't know any woman who has actually had an orgasm from performing that titular action. It's certainly called a "job" for a good reason. I used to avoid it because I thought it was too difficult, and I worried that I wasn't particularly adept at it due to my lack of enthusiasm. However, as I've gotten older and more experienced (Razzy Haters read: HAGGARD OLD SLUT!), fellatio has really grown on me. I've learned a few things that make it way more fun than stressful or unpleasant. In fact, I've decided to take it upon myself to respond to concerns and enlighten the ladies with my very own guide to enjoying rolling a fella's cigar.
The Joy of Cocksucking: FAQs by Razzy
Sucking dick doesn't do anything for me physically. Why should I do it?
The true pleasure of giving head for women is entirely psychological, so to enjoy it, you first need to get your mind right. If you regard cocksucking as a distasteful chore, then it's probably not going to be very fun for you and will only be a mediocre BJ by his standards since you obviously aren't into it. If you think of it like a gift you are giving to your man to please him, then you are thinking like a good lover and a decent human being, and you might even like it. One of my favorite things about having a dick in my mouth is looking up at the dude it's attached to during the process. Usually guys have an expression on their face like they just saw a vision at Medjugorje and won the lottery at the same time, and you can attribute that solely to your weiner consumption. You might not have an orgasm from it, but it's gratifying nonetheless.
Even if you can't get into that frame of mind, you can at least use head for practical self-serving purposes. If you want to get some brain yourself and don't care to ask outright, you can indicate what you'd like the guy to do by setting the precedent yourself. Also, if some drinks were involved in the prelude to your sexual encounter, the dude may have a problem with the liquor going straight to his cock. If he's having some trouble maintaining wood, then think of BJs as nature's own Viagra. Most of the time, a little dome goes a long way to overcome a bad case of whiskey dick.
Is there a way to get around choking or gagging when I'm sucking dick?
This is probably the primary complaint women have about giving head. Many women are concerned that they have to get facefucked like (big time NSFW) Sasha Grey or (also *EXTREMELY* NSFW) Belladonna in order to give a decent BJ. This is not true. I can certainly deep throat, but I don't think I can tolerate a dude jackhammering my throat to the hilt for an extended period of time without puking. In fact, most dudes aren't trying to be Max Hardcore and skewer your vocal cords while simultaneously producing gallons of gagged-up vomit. Unlike Sasha and Belladonna, I am not a porn star, and don't always fast extensively prior to doing some hardcore cocksucking, so an unmitigated gag would be very bad after an evening of slugging back brewdogs and bar food.
There are several solutions to this, all of which can be practiced to ease discomfort. First, you can deliver a combo job, or suck on the head while you jerk off his shaft. I generally think this is a supplemental maneuver to be used while catching breath between big swallows, because it's sort of a half-assed move that says "I can't be bothered with more than the most simple, basic head." However, this can be a solid way for beginners to get used to the practice in general and I encourage newbies to give it a shot. Another way to get more comfortable with deep throating is to practice in your off hours. It's clichéd, but a banana is a great tool for becoming physically accustomed with the sensations you might experience while swallowing a whole penis. If you slowly put it as far back as you can stand, then close your eyes and take a few deep breaths through your nose, you might find that your gag reflex relaxes along with your mind. The first response a body has to a dick in the tonsillar area is panic, and that brings gagging. Ameliorating your panic with some controlled breathing and chillaxation does wonders for quelling your urge to spew. Finally, an advanced move that can be used in emergencies is gross but sometimes necessary. Should you find yourself beginning to blow chunks during a vigorous session of brain surgery, you should immediately pull back a little and swallow hard. If you catch it while it's still down in your throat, you can prevent disgorging your dinner all over his cock, as well as his observing the decidedly unsexy move of swallowing your own vomit. This may be gross, but it's an occupational hazard, and it's important to master this skill should it ever come up (no pun intended). If you let it get past your throat into your mouth, you had better hope you've got a washing machine, a shower, and a well-developed sense of shamelessness handy.
What the hell am I supposed to do with his balls?
Guys are usually pretty sensitive about their balls, so you don't want to just grab them and start manhandling them roughly. Usually guys like them licked or sucked on, but don't suck too hard. You wouldn't treat delicate family heirlooms roughly, and the same policy that applies to your grandmother's china applies to your man's family jewels. If you want to really impress, you can always give the dude a hummer, where you take his balls in your mouth and hum (this can also be done on his weiner). Guys like this, but I usually can't execute it because I start laughing. Hummers are pretty absurd. One time I was sucking on this dude's balls and he requested a hummer, so I went with the first song that popped in my head: the Battle Hymn of the Republic. I barely got past the "trampled out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored" part before I was snickering about it. That ended that hummer. The dude sighed and indicated that I should redirect my attention to his penis.
But what if I hate the taste of jizz?
Simple: don't finish the blowjob. I love the taste of semen, to the point that I will ask a dude to pull his dick out of my twat and blow his load in my mouth. However, it's not for everyone. I almost always imagine a dude is making like Tay Dizm and inquiring "Can I be your appetizer?" before the main entree of regular sex. In fact, I hardly EVER give a guy a blowjob to completion. If I do, then I have to wait for him to recharge to fuck him and that's annoying, especially with one night stands I don't care to chat with much. I generally only give a full blowjob to guys I really, really, really like, and those fellas come along very rarely. Usually I work him up, but when I think he might be getting close to the grand finale, I stop and actually fuck him properly. Generally he'll be rock solid at that point and you can buy your vagina some dick time by taking a moment to catch your breath and throw a wrapper on him.
Should I spit or swallow?
Your call. I always swallow, but that's because I like cum and it makes for less mess. The urban legend that semen contains 5,000 calories per load is exactly that, so you don't have to worry about screwing up your diet (and it's mostly protein, so those of you doing the low-carb thing have nothing to worry about either). Besides, have you ever tried to scrub jizz out of your hair? That shit is like epoxy when it dries, especially when it's become extra proteinaceous from mixing with saliva. On the rare occasions I've spit somewhere in the vicinity of where I'm getting it on, I always have wound up with straight-up cement in my usual fuck-knot. It takes like half a bottle of Pantene to get untangled. Avoid that. Trust.
A guy asked me to bite his dick once. Do they all like this?
In a word, HELLFUCKINGNO! I've come across the odd gent who liked a little teeth here and there, but that's an exclusively by-request move. This one guy I used to bang would always say, "Nibble on it, Raz, nibble on it!" I would always double-check that he REALLY wanted me to do that before tentatively chomping down gently, because guys are usually so sensitive when it comes to dental-penile contact. However, while every fetish has at least one fan, that doesn't mean such a maneuver is universally enjoyed. In this case, it is most CERTAINLY not, so don't do this unless specifically asked.
I heard I can get herpes this way. Is that true?
Unfortunately, yes. You can get oral herpes from sucking a herpetic peen, so steer clear of any schlongs with suspicious ulcerations, lesions, or sores on them. Also, you can give a dude herpes if you have a cold sore and you suck him off, so if you have an ounce of decency, you won't put your partner at risk. Cocksucking to be a hot lay and a generous lover loses its mystique when you give a dude a bad case of the herp along with some killer head.
Do I have to do anything with his ass?
Not if you don't want to, but some guys do like it. I generally avoid anal play with boys because they just don't maintain as well as girls. Boys' butts are gross, and they usually pride themselves on that. How many times have you been around a guy who farted and acted like he just cured cancer or invented time travel? Even if they don't want a chick poking around down there, guys relish the nastiness their posteriors can produce. However, I've had a few dudes ask for some ass action, and I usually get down there to check the situation up close first. After making sure he meets my hygiene standards, I might give a dude who I like the occasional salad-tossing, but it's not a standard part of my playbook. I liken it to a fleaflicker or a hook-and-ladder play. It's not a regular part of my offensive strategy, but every so often it's warranted in a clutch situation, and when it works it can be spectacular. So my advice here is to use some discretion depending on your and your partner's tastes and preferences.
So there you go, ladies. I hope this is useful for overcoming any reservations about cocksucking you might have harbored. Now get out there and suck those dicks!
Labels: perversion, Razzification, sex, sluts, weiners
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Thanks for the RedTube links! Would love to see you gagging and choking like that.
P.S. I'm not the same guy who sent you a threat before. I named myself after him because he was so awesome. Just kidding... OR AM I
P.S. I'm not the same guy who sent you a threat before. I named myself after him because he was so awesome. Just kidding... OR AM I
# posted by 
: 8/23/2008 9:39 PM
: 8/23/2008 9:39 PM
if only i could find a girl that "... love[s] the taste of semen, to the point that I will ask a dude to pull his dick out of my twat and blow his load in my mouth".
know any of your old high school friends that also happen to be chicks and still live in the PNW? any of them share your sentiment? probably a longshot. well i can always dream. thx razzy
know any of your old high school friends that also happen to be chicks and still live in the PNW? any of them share your sentiment? probably a longshot. well i can always dream. thx razzy
# posted by : 8/23/2008 11:17 PM
: 8/23/2008 11:17 PM
DO NOT PUT YOUR PENIS IN A WOMAN'S MOUTH. A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD A PENIS IN HER MOUTH IS RUINED.
# posted by : 8/24/2008 8:49 PM
: 8/24/2008 8:49 PM
If any of you readers need a penis to practice on mine is available.
jj
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jj
# posted by : 8/25/2008 1:37 PM
: 8/25/2008 1:37 PM Links to this post:
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