RazzyBlog: I miss Valerie more

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I miss Valerie more

I saw today that the CW has released a new promo video for Bev Niner 2.0 today featuring none other than the legendary Shannen "Brenda Walsh" Doherty. This video was expressly designed to get my Brendaphile friends like JerseyGirl and Twathopper hyperventilating with excitement. I can practically hear JerseyGirl all the way across the George Washington Bridge in her Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey office shouting "O! M! G! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" True to form, Twathopper just e-mailed me about this informing me that "I think I just had an O at my desk."

In case you are ~~dumb and stupid~~ not a fan of the greatest show in the history of television ("Beverly Hills, 90210"...DUH!), let me explain a little bit about Brenda Walsh. The tempestuous younger (by four minutes) twin sister of the insufferably moral Brandon Walsh, she emigrated to America's most infamous zip code when her accountant father Jim was transferred from Minneapolis and immediately commenced starting a bunch of dramatic shit. Prior to the arrival of the duplicitous uber-slut Valerie Malone in season 5, I was always on Team Kelly Taylor, but I have to appreciate Brenda's ability to create some extremely memorable television moments. Here's a brief summary of her scandals:

Lost virginity at the West Beverly Spring Dance with the moody, annoying 35-year-old trust fund surfer rebel alcoholic Dylan McKay
Rocked the most righteous cameltoe in the history of No Excuses high-waisted jeans and bodysuits
Afraid of guys who smash flowerpots out of drunken paternally-directed rage outside the Bel Age Hotel
Experienced the most hilarious ringing bell-triggered post-traumatic stress disorder following a robbery at gunpoint in the Peach Pit
Busted by mom Cindy for teenage fucking because she wrapped a pregnancy test in clear plastic and stuck it in the wrong recycling bin
Compensated for her ineptitude at Peach Pit waitressing skills by assuming the guise of Brooklyn native Laverne (pronounce "Lavoine")
Screamed, "I HATE YOU! NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!" when advised that Dylan was busy fucking Kelly in her Beverly Beach Club cabana while Brenda spent a summer in Paris
Managed to convince Dean Cain, a nice midwestern guy spending his junior year at UCLA abroad in France, that she was named "Brenda DuBois" and was a native Parisian. Hilariously says in her faux Françoise accent, "Weesconseen? Eez that near Meenasota? I 'ave been zere to veezit."
Disrupted an avant garde play in which she was supposed to strip down by performing an improv comedy routine instead
Almost eloped to Las Vegas with billionaire real estate heir Stuart Carson after their third date, but changed her mind after a screaming match with him
Arrested by the FBI for attempting to free Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman's SIDS lab cats with a radical ecoterrorist animal rights faction
ALMOST slept with wannabe Dumas character and stage director Roy Randolph to secure the lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but just impressed him with her amazing acting skills (see below)
Was as much of a bitch in real life as she was on the show; got canned for getting into an on-set fist fight with Jennie Garth at the end of season 4

Granted, Brenda never faked a pregnancy to extort a married guy out of $100,000 or smoked pot out her window while noting, "God, these people are such a bunch of squares" like Valerie Malone, but she had her moments until she was fired from Bev Niner for being a bitch and her character was exiled to drama school in London. Supposedly, Brenda was off becoming a famous actor, director, and all-around theaterfag. Her excuse for returning to West Beverly High is to direct the high school production of Spring Awakening. Isn't that musical supposed to be about teenagers masturbating and committing suicide? That sounds appropriate for high school students as portrayed by the CW. And I can only imagine the kind of performances an accomplished thespian like Brenda will elicit from her high school proteges. Check out her mastery of the craft as Maggie the Cat in the California University production of Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Brilliant!