Friday, August 29, 2008

 

TGIAlmost NFL SEASON!!!

The last couple days I've been battling an annoying cold, and so have been taking it easy.  I'm used to colds, as they are an occupational hazard of being in the rhinovirus business, but that doesn't mean I enjoy being stuck in my hovel of an apartment nursing one.  To distract myself from feeling crummy, I decided to rely on my most treasured remedy for boredom and discontent:  sweet, sweet television.  There wasn't much on, so I spent my time flipping back and forth between the Jets and Giants games.

Preseason football never does much for me.  It's mildly useful for deciding which eleventh round picks to make in my fantasy draft, but otherwise, watching the commentators scramble for background on the likes of Erik Ainge (he was an All-American in high school and Danny Ainge is his uncle!) and Mario Manningham (he smoked pot in college and scored a pitiful 6 on his Wonderlic exam) in lieu of actual stats is pretty boring.  I tried hard to glean some useful information from these games, and this is what I got:
  • Holy shit, LaMont Jordan plays for the Pats now?  I was so disgusted with this asshole that I had hoped he'd be forgotten in the purgatory of Oakland for time eternal.  Every year that fool is ranked as a top running back, and every year he averages around 15 yards per game with a measly one or two touchdowns all season.  I know this from personal experience, since I wasted an early fantasy draft pick on LaMont Jordan two years ago and his woeful underperformance along with a string of unlucky quarterback injuries singlehandedly sunk my team to second-worst in the league.  I think at one point that year I was so frustrated with his consistent lack of production that I actually benched him in favor of Correll Buckhalter, and it doesn't get much more pathetic or desperate than that.  Oakland's stadium, the Black Hole, is aptly named with regard to the Raiders LaMont Jordan-reliant running game (and, actually, their entire offense).  I can only hope that he brings some of that entirely overrated ass-suckery to poison the loathsome Patriots.
  • David Carr is awesome as a preseason quarterback who will see no playing time unless Eli "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome" Manning is grievously injured.  Since FAS doesn't have to worry about losing his mental sharpness to if he gets banged up on account of not having much to begin with, he'll have to suffer some sort of Theismann-esque injury for Carr to take the field again and bring the offense that made me forget the Texans even existed.
  • The Giants have a tackle named Guy Whimper, which is quite possibly the least intimidating football name I've ever heard.  I guess as long as the NFL can accommodate players with inordinately awesome names like Mack Strong, they can bring in the polar opposite too.  Not surprisingly, Guy Whimper lasted only a couple of plays before being carted back to the locker room with turf toe.
  • Watching New England's third string and practice squad guys lose in the preseason is infinitely less satisfying than watching their starters lose in the Super Bowl.
  • Jet Favre manages to annoy me even when he's just standing on the sidelines, as the Associated Press puts it, "arms folded, jersey slightly untucked, and safe from harm."  He truly deserves a spot in the hall of fame, as he's managed to accomplish what few others have: he can piss me off without doing anything at all.
  • Jets commentators can still find approximately 45 minutes worth of play-by-play regarding the nothing that Brett Favre is engaged in.  "You see a cagey veteran like Favre really knows how to watch the game with a critical eye" and "He's really made the transition well into that green Jets uniform" (as opposed to the dramatically different Packers green uniform) were among the deft observations made last night by Greg Buttle during the broadcast.
  • PRESEASON FOOTBALL–ESPECIALLY IN WEEK 4–IS FUCKING BORING NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO LIKE IT OR HOW MUCH YOU LIKE FOOTBALL IN GENERAL!
Once I got too bored to continue, I decided to go to the trusty internets and read about football instead.  The cherry on top of my relatively boring night of trying to care about the deepest recesses of the Jets and Giants rosters was seeing ESPN's predictions concerning the 2008 Seahawks:

YES!!!  Once again, the Hawks are heralded to take a division title!  Okay, so it IS the NFC West, which is probably the most cream puff division in the entire National Football League, but I am always excited to see a Seattle sports team get a positive preseason write-up from non-Seattle media.  I always like hearing phrases like "the Seahawks should feast on a weak division in Mike Holmgren's final year" and "This is Mike Holmgren's final year as Seahawks coach...expect him to go out in style."  Certainly seeing the Seahawks characterized as "always consistent" and "one of the finer teams in the NFC" is a considerable improvement upon recent preseason predictions for other Seattle sports teams ("Mariners poised for disappointment" and "Sonics move to Oklahoma City.")  Besides, winning is still winning, even if it's only against the dregs of the NFL better known as the 49ers and the Cardinals.  I also wholeheartedly endorse any instance of (Tacoma native) Marcus Trufant being featured as the face of the Seahawks.   

The next nine days are going to fucking CRAWL by.  September 7th cannot come fast enough.

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 5:20 AM
Comments:
Your wonderful John McCain threw a Hail Mary pass by bringing a vagina on his ticket, and you are not going to write about awesome that is?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 8/29/2008 4:09 PM
 
Fuck you anonymous writer with no name or initials attached! This post is about how awesome the Seahawks are and how they are gonna kick-ass and take names this season. I'm sure Razzy, in her own sweet time, is going to write another story about Sarah Palin and John McCain are going to kick-ass and take names (Obama & Biden) in the presedential election this year.

jj
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 9/02/2008 7:55 AM
 
You're right, JJ...I'll get to the Sarah Palin thing. Frankly, I need to wrap my mind around it first. What with all her Maury Povich baby mama drama, it's taking me a minute to process.
# posted by Blogger Razzy : 9/02/2008 8:00 AM
 
Post a Comment



Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]