Monday, August 04, 2008
Twathopper dodges an ugly fake-lesbian bullet
My lesbian apprentice Twathopper has had a terrible time meeting decent girls, and initially I attributed this to her fishing in the most stagnant, appalling of all online dating sites: nerve.com. This has netted her boring cupcake-baking marathon bloggers, cancer-faking professional babysitters, and militant lesbians into feigned lactation play. However, she's asked me a million times about how she's supposed to meet "normal" lesbians if NOT on the internets, because it's not like there's a bunch of girls running around the bars with signs reading "Hello, My Name is Lesbian." Her visits to lesbian bars have been disastrous. First, she went to Cattyshack with a straight couple, and "straight-up cereally bugged" and fled when a cute girl approached her. Then, I told her that maybe it would be better if she didn't have an audience, and took her to Cubby Hole with me. I assured her I wouldn't be all "let's watch Twathopper hit on girls" because I would be too busy hitting on girls myself, and at the very least she could follow my lead. Unfortunately, both our trips to the Cubby Hole ended badly. The first started off promising, with me chatting up a couple semi-hot chicks about "The L Word" (which I've never seen, and which normally would make me roll my eyes and say "how predictable," but I can bullshit about lesbian chic to set a good example and possibly get laid myself), but ultimately turned frightening and resulted in a terrified escape from a pushy bulldyke who locked me in her sights and proceeded to assault me with Jamba Juice giftcards. The second time was after Pride, where, while I was being invited to join some skank at an orgy-at-sea, Twathopper was feeling sad and depressed. I declined the offer to join a bacchanal on the Hudson and took my little apprentice home for pizza and Bev Niner.
Therefore, I told Twathopper that if the bar scene isn't going to work for her, she has to meet lesbians the same way everyone else meets people: through friends, at parties, at work, at work events, or wherever else you might be able to socially network in life. "Don't you know any lesbians?" she asked. "You did go to Smith College!"
"Yes, of course I know lesbians, dude," I said. "The problem is, they're all coupled up! You know how the lezzies roll. Most of the time it's first date, then cohabitate."
I spent a while racking my brain trying to think of some hot single lesbians who Twathopper hadn't already met, and couldn't think of any. I figured it couldn't hurt to throw out a wide net, so I asked another dude I was friends with at the time. I used to call him DanRubin on this site, but he was really mean to me and no longer deserves a Bev Niner-based Razzy name. Since I think he's a total fucking asshole because he hurt my feelings, made me cry, and inspired my breaking out some old lesbian poetry, I'm going to instead refer to him as "Minuteman." Not only did he go to UMass, but this is an accurate description of his manly prowess or lack thereof in the bedroom. At the time, however, he and I were still friends and we were IM-ing, and considering he was always trying to have threesomes (and failing, since I know from experience that a fella needs more than three thrusts' worth of stamina to please one woman, much less two), I thought he might at least know some ladies who had considered the idea of banging a girl. At any rate, I figured it didn't hurt to ask:
Razzy: dude do you know any cute lesbians who are looking to be set up on a date?
Minuteman: nope
Razzy: doh
Minuteman: i know a kinda geeky girl who's curious to experiment with girls
Razzy: hmmm
Razzy: this is not for me by the way
Razzy: my lesbian trainee is having trouble meeting other lesbians
Razzy: is that the girl you were trying to have a threesome with?
Minuteman: yeah
Minuteman: she was down but the other girl chickened out
Razzy: loser
Razzy: well my friend loves tori amos and solstice-ass shit like that
Razzy: she just came out as a lesbian
Razzy: but she has yet to close the deal
Razzy: i have given her advice and advice and advice
Razzy: i even instructed her step-by-step on "how-to" perform oral on a chick
Razzy: but she lets these dumb broads she goes out with spend all their time talking about their feelings
Razzy: so i'm trying to get her laid
Minuteman: nice
Razzy: and i don't do mercy fucks so i'm not going to handle it myself
Minuteman: can you see this profile
Minuteman: [some bitch's Facebook profile with a pic featuring this Brobdingnagian girl in boxy hipster glasses posing with a shorter girl sporting an absolutely ginormous set of tits]
Razzy: yes
Minuteman: the girl in the glasses is the wanna be lesbian
Razzy: hmmmm
Razzy: and jesus, she's tall
Razzy: the shorter girl has a hot rack
Minuteman: i agree
Razzy: i guess the glasses girl isn't ugly
Minuteman: she has a sweet body and is very horny
Minuteman: i like both those qualities
Razzy: yes those are both admirable
Razzy: she does appear to have a hot bod
Razzy: well, does she want to go hang out with a trainee lesbian to experiment with?
Minuteman: i told my wanna be lesbian friend that your friend would contact her through facebook if interested
Razzy: what?!
Razzy: oh shit, i don't know how that will work
Razzy: i'll have to give twathopper a real pep talk
Razzy: half her problem is nerves
Razzy: is your friend down?
Minuteman: she's in training too
Minuteman: it'll be fun
Razzy: i'm trying to write a letter right now
Razzy: for twathopper to send this broad
Razzy: ugh in spite of trying to convince twathopper this sounds like a great idea
Razzy: i NEVER cold call pussy like this on facebook
Minuteman: do you want her real email address
Razzy: no that's even creepier
Minuteman: word
Razzy: what do you think of this:
Razzy:"This may seem kind of weird since we've never met, but to make a long story short, my friend Razzy was talking to her friend Minuteman, and they seemed to think we might get along. I don't usually do this, but do you want to test this theory over drinks sometime?"
Minuteman: perfect
Razzy: it's not creepy or weird?
Minuteman: A. is there a way to do this that isn't creepy or weird
Razzy: i know
Minuteman: B. Who cares? it's not us
As it turned out, Twathopper finally mustered the gumption to Facebook message this chick amidst a lot of "OMGOMGOMGOMGs" sent my way on Gchat. Naturally, the finely-tuned snippet of game I lent her worked, at least at first. This chick agreed to meet her, and it turns out that she and Twathopper had some professional interests in common. Twathopper does PR, and at the time, one of her clients was a luggage company. This chick wrote for a luggage magazine or something, so they exchanged a few flirtatious e-mails and actually agreed to get together and discuss baggage on their first date. If that's not lesbian romance, I don't know what is.
Unfortunately, like most straight "curious" girls without an enthusiastic guy around to hassle them, BaggageBitch decided that lesbianism was more the stuff of fantasies for her. She sent Twathopper an e-mail the day of their much-anticipated date, and claimed that she broke her toe and was immobilized. Twathopper and I both suspected that what actually broke was more likely her nerve. We both said, "Fuck that cowardly wannabe dyke and the one-pump chump Minuteman dick she rode in on!" and directed our energies elsewhere. Eventually, Twathopper did get laid, and she's currently scouting several prospects for further conversation about Ingrid Michaelson/advanced muff diver certification.
Well, as it turns out, Twathopper lucked out big time. On Friday night, Twathopper was going to the Yankees game, and sent me the following text: "Dude i walked past that baggagebitch chick on the way 2 the game: She totes recognized me. Haha. It's totes kewl she pussied out: Trust!"
I snickered. BaggageBitch wouldn't be the first person on Facebook to have a profile picture that makes her look way more attractive than she is in real life. I responded: "Ew was she butt?"
Twathopper replied: "Kinda. I mean not butt ug but not cute."
It's pathetic enough to be one of those girls that is always giving lip service to wanting to bang chicks and then backs out when an opportunity presents itself. It's even worse when the chick you ditched on a blind date sees you and thinks you are too ugly (or at least insufficiently cute) to hit anyway. No wonder BaggageBitch looked away and hurried off; she knows Twathopper is way too hot to L her worthless P. We're getting you a hot date to that Tegan and Sara concert yet, Twathopper!
Labels: assholes, lezbollah, Twathopper, you're ugly
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