RazzyBlog: H-90210-LY SHIT!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

H-90210-LY SHIT!

I've been anticipating this new iteration of the greatest show in the history of television with a healthy measure of skepticism. Unlike my friend JerseyGirl, who is fervently convinced that this extension of the Bev Niner franchise will recapture all the magic of its sublime predecessor, I think that at best it will be a "meh, I guess it's okay" type of show. In fact, I think it's even more likely that it's going to totally suck and piss me off. My little group of Niner aficionados had been planning to resume the cooking classes/excuses to drink that we'd been doing for "I Love New York 2" and "The Hills" a while back, but JerseyGirl is so convinced this new Niner is going to be groundbreaking that she advised our little Niner group in a recent email, "i seriously can't even wait. you guys we are going to have the biggest party EVER on 9.02. everyone plan at being at my house at 7pm. i think maybe we should even just order a pizza because i'm going to have to lend my full attention to the show, as opposed to cooking."

While I plan to comply and show up at 7 with pizza money and a sixer, I have not shared JerseyGirl's optimistic zeal regarding the quality of this show. However, a recent article interviewing Jennie "Kelly Taylor" Garth and Shannen "Brenda Walsh" Doherty about reprising their historic roles on "90210 2.0" has given me slightly more hope that it will be more intriguing than I expected.

Shannen stated, "All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a blowjob in the first episode."

A WHAT?! This is not the Bev Niner I remember. Sure, the first season of the original Bev Niner wasn't without some scandalous controversy. There were episodes featuring Jackie Taylor nasally vacuuming up rails the size of a freeway stripe because she "just needs a jump start," Kelly Taylor confessing to being date raped during her freshman year at West Beverly, and Brenda losing her virginity to Dylan at the Spring Dance, but I don't recall anyone performing oral at any point. In fact, I don't remember a single blowjob throughout the course of the entire decade-long run of the show. Not even the hottest slut in the original history of the zip code, the inimitable Valerie Malone, ever played anybody's skin whistle while she was busy trolling for conquests at the Peach Pit After Dark. In fact, the kinkiest thing that ever went down was some light handcuff play that wound up far more comic than sexy (ie: Claire Arnold cuffing herself beneath a protesting Brandon Walsh's "Football: Sports" poster, prompting him to complain that "she's got the body of a centerfold and the personality of a volcano," David Silver begging various cast members swinging by the beach apartment to call a locksmith after attempting to spice up his and the aformentioned Ms. Arnold's sex life with some light impromptu bondage, Steve Sanders confusing law enforcement equipment with Claire's now-infamous sex prop and trapping himself in a hotel room at a police convention). I guess once Steve Sanders arranged to use the empty Walsh house as a porn set, but that mostly involved some women in lingerie while Steve made a cameo as the pizza guy and demonstrated his knack for the bad Italian "I'm-a make-a you a pizza" accent that once successfully discouraged Emily Valentine's prank calling habit, so that likewise falls under the heading of "hilarious" rather than "risqué."

I'm not going to lie. I did get excited when I saw these (heavily Photoshopped) pictures, especially the Kelly Taylor "I Will Not Steal My Best Friend's Boyfriend" hot for teacher shot.

However, I'm not convinced that these two slags fighting over Dylan while in their late thirties is going to be nearly as compelling as it was when Kelly was banging Dylan in the Bel Age Hotel pool or Brenda screamed, "Look, I hate you both. Never talk to me again!" I find it hard to believe that, at 35, Brenda will be able to deliver scathing dialogue like "Kelly, if you're trying to lose your bimbo image, I don't think this is going to help." Kelly is a guidance counselor at West Beverly now, so I'm assuming that she somehow managed to lose her bimbo image. In fact, she lost it starting in season 5 of O.G. Niner, when she started dating Brandon Walsh and became almost as morally insufferable as him.

"I am NOT a bimbo, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Kelly. But I was always taught that if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck..."

"GO TO HELL!"

I guess I'll find out tonight if I Niner 2.0 and its blowjobs can measure up to the above lofty standards for entertaining trash.

Labels: Bev Niner, JerseyGirl, TV