Sunday, March 22, 2009

 

Sparkly Volvo-driving vampire groupies vs. MS-13: Battle of the Wal-Mart

In today's hilarious news, it seems that Wal-Mart is trying to downplay rumors spread via text message that the rabid tween girls who planned to spend last night camped out waiting for the Twilight DVD to drop were at risk of being brutally killed as part of some sort of gang initiation.  Given my opinion of the twelve-year-old girl's vampire-themed Book of Mormon, I was rooting for the bangers.  Nothing would put the lid on all these crazy bitches in their puff-painted  "Bite Me" shirts like some random gun violence.

Unfortunately, this was quite apparently a hoax, since rumors about how "three women are to be killed by a Mexican gang" were everywhere from Colorado to Wal-Mart's northern Arkansas homeland, and from what I can tell not a single Twilunatic was unceremoniously felled by a Latin King's bullet at a Wal-Mart Twilight DVD release party.  Not that I'm pro-random murder, but Twilight actually drove me crazy enough that I might consider such a gang initiation a public service.  

I was actually disappointed to hear that this was just another made-up gang story meant to frighten stupid people, like the Tacoma Mall ankle slasher.  When I was in grade school, there were rumors that "gang members" would hide under your car and when you put your bags in your car, they would slash your ankle with a razor blade.  When you reached down to see what went on, they'd get out and steal your shit, and maybe rape and/or murder you as well.  Some of my crazy aunts actually believed this so resolutely that they carried around little flashlights to look under their cars with when they went to the mall.  Of course, the ankle slashers were the ones who were also putting razor blades and broken glass in Halloween candy, sticking HIV-infected needles in the coin-return slots on pay phones, and dying after drinking Coke with a mouthful of Pop Rocks.  Apparently, the ankle slashers have now moved on to baseless text threat-hoaxes against ugly fat tween girls who like pining away for glittery gay Mormon vampires.  Bummer.  I would rather people meet their untimely end via anti-Twilight gang violence than trampled to death by legions of rabid Christmas shoppers, but I guess that's just not the world we live in.  Sigh.

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# posted by Razzy @ 7:56 AM
Comments:
That rumor made its way to Cleveland, Ohio. I wonder how far East it went.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 3/22/2009 9:56 PM
 
My great grandma got stuck by a needle in a pay phone. She was trying to call our house so she could wish me a happy birthday. 3 days later, she died of AIDS. Shame on you for exploiting such tragedies for your tasteless humor.

I miss you, Mi-Ma!
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 3/22/2009 10:47 PM
 
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