RazzyBlog: A veritable font of wisdom

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A veritable font of wisdom

Let me be the first to say that I loathe dudes who beat up chicks for ANY reason. My position on this is pretty firm. I don't give a fuck if the chick hits the dude first, or if she was sass-talking him, or if she pushed him, or what. The fact is that dudes are bigger than chicks and unless the bitch has a black belt, there's no way some big dude beats on an unarmed woman in self-defense. Period. And I think any bastard who does so is a fucking cowardly, pussified, punk-ass dickbag loser who rightfully deserves to spend some quality time in a prison shower learning some fucking humility. PERIOD. When it comes to wife-beaters, it's ALWAYS the abuser's fault no matter how provocative or maddening the lady was, and I say an emphatic "hang 'em high."

While I might view domestic violence as a very black and white issue, however, I defer to other wise scholars with more profound intellectual gifts than myself to address the shades of gray involved concerning this complex subject matter. For example, this pillar of wisdom:

Namely, the sage known as Khia, a brilliant lyricist who once wrote poetic lines such as "my neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack" and now provides counsel to lost souls that look to Hood magazine for guidance. Not content to wait until someone asked for her take on the Rihanna-Chris Brown issue via a letter to her advice column in Hood, Khia took to her MySpace blog to describe the exact type of situations that may be appropriate for "Ike Turnering" a woman:

Nowwwwww… Let’s get started!!! What the HELL is really going on with these hoes getting knocked in they EYE?? Face crammed ALL in the STEERING wheel!!!! Now… Rihanna… If you got WARTS all on dat RAGEDY ass PUSSY.. SPREADING dat FUNKY MONKEY around….You needed dat ASS beat !!! Passing off diseases to my beautiful BLACK KINGS!! But if not… Chris Brown… You was DEAD ASS WRONG!!!!! First it was Gucci, then Rocko and now….. Chris Brown!!! Yall niggas aint gone keep Ike Turnering dese hoes cuz the industry getting ready to shut yall niggas DOWN!!! HELLLL…… Much shit as the Queen talk I don’t know nann nigga GONE hit ME in my eye…….Uhh-Uhh!!!!

I did hear rumors that Rihanna may have infected Chris Brown with herpes that she got from banging Jay-Z. As a virologist, I would correct Khia that herpes lesions, which are caused by herpes simplex virus, are different both etiologically and morphologically from genital warts, which are caused by human papillomaviruses. I know nothing about whether or not Rihanna is, at the ripe old age of 21, in possession of a "RAGEDY ass PUSSY," and I disagree with Khia's stance that inadvertantly spreading any sort of "FUNKY MONKEY" around is justification for being beaten and bitten to disfigurement by one of Khia's beloved BLACK KINGS. I do agree that regardless of the RAGEDY ass condition of Rihanna's genitalia, Chris Brown is indeed DEAD ASS WRONG and he ought to cease and desist with the Ike Turnering, especially considering that Khia is correct about his career being basically over. I also thank her for advising me that Gucci Mane and Rocko are apparently wife beaters as well, so I will steer clear of them the next time I'm in Hotlanta (assuming they're anywhere near the Chili's at the airport, which is pretty much the only place in Atlanta I've ever popped bottles at).

Khia continues with a lengthy stream of consciousness rant that puts The Sound and the Fury to shame in terms of its initial indecipherability. I had to reread it like four times before I realized she seems to express support for my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson in his feud with William Leonard "Rick Ross" Roberts, castigate former radio personality Stephanie "Porsche Foxx" Calhoun for her apparent culpability in a recent string of arsons plaguing Atlanta, and accusing current radio personality Wendy Williams of being transgendered, looking like both the Michelin man and "a OVER fed English bulldog," and having an extremely large neck. She also takes issue with Lisa Raye, the actress who is presently the First Lady of Turks and Caicos, at least until her ugly divorce to the islands' Premier is finalized. Khia seems to think that Lisa was trying to trap the "Count" governing the British territory into a "100 stack booty call" and she ought to flee, since "Turkish women aint got no respect for you Chile! They should have whooped your ass cause they don't play that hoe shit ova there!" I guess Khia is confused about the fact that Turkey is an entirely different place than Turks and Caicos, but since she's obviously putting all her energy into enlightening us as to who is a ho and why, I can forgive her for not brushing up on geography. After I got to the part where Khia advises Lisa Raye that "You will neva be Michelle Obama!!! Go back to the pole and the low budget ass films you know!!!", I couldn't take any more of my mind being blown and got back to work on the considerably less brilliant piece of prose that is my dissertation.

If you are remotely interested in being completely astounded, I strongly suggest you get with Khia's MySpace blog. It reads like what would happen if a Cylon hybrid got out of her bathtub on the basestar, moved to the Suitcase City neighborhood of Tampa, and decided to see what it would be like if James Joyce started a MySpace feud with Trina and the entire population of Atlanta's hip-hop radio DJs (not that I know what a "Cylon hybrid" actually is...some nerd who watches some show that sounds something like "Gattlestar Balactica" came in and fucked with my computer, that's how that got there). Anyway, how could you not benefit from a woman who has had enough brushes with the Florida state department of corrections to warrant such a lovely mosaic of mug shots? Khia rules.