Thursday, June 04, 2009
Read the Bible: Jesus was very pro-whore
Yesterday HotLawyer sent me a link to a local news story from the intellectual backwater and hallowed site of white supremacist history known as Whidbey Island. Of course, megachurch evangelical Christianity has seduced many of Whidbey's native yokels, and not much goes on there, so the hard-hitting journalists over at the Whidbey News-Times decided to write a story showcasing exactly what a bunch of lameasses these people are.
Never been kissed: Bride-to-be waits for her wedding day
When Todd Ritter is told to kiss the bride at the altar this July in front of 277 of their closest friends and family, people will understand if it’s a little clumsy.
It will be the couple’s very first kiss.
“I’m wondering, will I be a good kisser? Do I know what I’m doing? I’m nervous, but excited,” says Rachel Welch, 21, who is marrying 23-year-old Ritter in Oak Harbor.
The couple instated a “no-kissing” policy, to keep things from getting out of hand before marriage. Welch decided at age 14 to save kissing for someone special, and hoped that her first lip-lock would shortly follow “I do.”
Personally, I think this kind of bullshit is actually very anti-Christian. If you read the Gospels, you'll notice that Jesus is kissing all over everyone on the regular. He kisses babies, lepers, homeless dudes, and whores, and doesn't think twice about it. The skankiest prostitutes in all of Galilee were JC's roll dogs, and one would think that such a devout couple of youth ministers would have at least considered that before instituting such a rigid policy. Especially since, judging by their chattiness regarding their Eskimo kissing, chaperone policies, and foot massaging, they apparently have no problem being media whores. They even gave the Whidbey News-Times a frightening, look-we're-scary-super-Christians picture in which you can practically hear them condemning evolution and elaborating on how gay marriage and anyone who helps it become legal is going to burn in eternal damnation.
And since I have been kissed before–on numerous parts of my body and usually as a prelude to getting my sinful nonmarital fuck on–let me explain to Rachel and Todd exactly how lame their marriage is going to be thanks to their policy of extreme abstinence. Since neither of them have any idea what they are doing and are probably taking pointers from the Michael W. Smith "I Will Be Here for You" video, their first heavy makeout sesh is going to be nothing short of disgusting. Todd looks like one of those guys who thinks that hot tongue kissing involves licking and slobbering all over every part of your face except your mouth, so I hope Rachel enjoys a good spit shine. And as far as Rachel is concerned, if Todd thinks that once he's made an honest uptight prude out of her it's going to be all hot legit Christian sex, he's gravely mistaken. Bitches don't go from Eskimo kisses and love letters to blowjobs and anal overnight, and Rachel strikes me as the type who won't put out on her wedding night. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if both of them are so abysmally bad at sex that they wind up doing it as infrequently as possible. After all, who even needs a sex life when you have the rapture to look forward to?
This is why I always fuck on the first date. I'm not going to invest my time and emotion in someone without giving them a test drive and making sure they are competent at turning me out. As a result of this policy, if I ever do get married, please believe that my future spouse will be a tiger in the sack and will likewise benefit from my extensive experience in this area. I also take umbrage with Todd's assertion that Rachel's no-kissing purity vow is an indicator of her "awesome" self-respect, thus implying that sleeping around means I don't respect myself. I have an awesome amount of respect for myself (you can't fancy yourself the most awesome human being on earth EVER without having a healthy amount of self-esteem), and I can't think of any better way to demonstrate that than by giving myself the gift of plenty of varied hot ass. I think it's actually disrespectful to yourself and your partner not to be the best lay you can be, especially if you're about to take vows promising to never hit the sheets with anyone else ever again. It's a sacred duty to your future spouse to get out there and practice on as much strange as possible before you limit genital privileges to just one person. Then again, since neither Todd nor Rachel have any basis for comparison, maybe they won't even know what they are missing when they are rutting clumsily away at one another with the lights off and their shirts on. Ignorance is bliss for the abstinent purity ring set, I guess.
Labels: assholes, Dear God, HotLawyer, media whores, retard rage, sex, sluts
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Man, fucking that bitch is gonna be such a drag that Mr. Christian dude may as well keep his celibacy vow for life, I bet his wife has a case of vaginismus so bad you could not get inside her hairy pussy with a jackhammer.
Doc, your approach to this sex things is what all young chicks should be taught so they don;t end up like these 2 fucking idiotic losers.
Doc, your approach to this sex things is what all young chicks should be taught so they don;t end up like these 2 fucking idiotic losers.
Alright, that's a pretty lame excuse to blast this couple Razzy. 1st) you said in the Bible that Jesus kisses babies, lepers, homeless dudes, and whores, and doesn't think twice about it. Sure he did, but they're not sexual kisses. Do you kiss your Mom, Dad, and Grandma with an open tongue? Of course not! That was what the Bible talked about with Jesus' kisses, besides in that culture that is the way people greet each other. Ever been to Europe? Instead of hugs when greeting people they know they kiss one cheek then the other. That is what the Bible refers to.
2nd) Who cares if their 1st sex is gonna suck and be horrible. We were ALL virgins at one point and we ALL were horrible lays the first few times we did it. So what if he doesn't get a good BJ right away when they get married, he wouldn't know a good one from a bad one. When people get married it's supposed to be for life, they've got the next 50 years to get it right. I'm sure at some point down the road there sex will be rockin! Do all people have to be whores in order to have good sex? It's there lives, good for them, what they don't know certainly won't hurt them.
jj
2nd) Who cares if their 1st sex is gonna suck and be horrible. We were ALL virgins at one point and we ALL were horrible lays the first few times we did it. So what if he doesn't get a good BJ right away when they get married, he wouldn't know a good one from a bad one. When people get married it's supposed to be for life, they've got the next 50 years to get it right. I'm sure at some point down the road there sex will be rockin! Do all people have to be whores in order to have good sex? It's there lives, good for them, what they don't know certainly won't hurt them.
jj
# posted by 
: 6/05/2009 9:12 AM
: 6/05/2009 9:12 AM
And as far as Master Undergound's comments, who gives a shit what that Nazi has to say, he's just pissed off because he's never had sex that he hasn't had to pay for.
jj
jj
# posted by : 6/05/2009 9:14 AM
: 6/05/2009 9:14 AM
What's the difference between this couple and "Master Underground"? These two are virgins by choice.
# posted by : 6/05/2009 6:06 PM
: 6/05/2009 6:06 PM
Ah "JJ" if you knew anything about what you say concerning me, you'd be dangerous, as it is, you are just a wimp that will never take it up with me directly like all these other anonymous pussies so what any of you say means zero to me at all and I laugh at your sorry asses all the time.
If you really think that this Christian bitch will ever give her hubby a BJ or even be a good fuck at any time you are deluded, those 2 are so hung up about things that any kind of good sex life is strictly impossible.
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If you really think that this Christian bitch will ever give her hubby a BJ or even be a good fuck at any time you are deluded, those 2 are so hung up about things that any kind of good sex life is strictly impossible.
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