Wednesday, July 15, 2009
It's okay to avoid like leprosy
I did not think it possible, but I have managed to find an ad campaign that makes me even more furious than Twitter whore Ashton Kutcher's COOLPIX ads. In fact, they make my feelings toward Ashton's buffoonery seem downright warm and charitable. This is the single most unappealing pitch for a dating site ever. It's even worse than that gross, snaggletoothed old Christian dude that used to sell e-Harmony with a lot of soporific jabber about compatibility and a lot of ugly couple success stories. These ads make e-Harmony, a company that is currently being sued for refusing to match gay couples and that seems to regard marrying a fat guy with a cell phone clipped to his belt a perfect outcome, seem like my ideal dating site. The horror of which I speak is the match.com "It's okay to look" ad campaign.
I am not sure what upsets me more, the slogan or the representative match.com singles from the commercials that I will ostensibly meet should I decide to partake of their services. The slogan is pretty bad. I don't need some disembodied female voice with the patronizing yet facile intonations of an overcompensating day care supervisor informing me that it's cool to cruise the internets for ass. I know plenty of people who get laid thanks to the miracle of the world wide web. I also think it's find to look for hookups at bars, clubs, restaurants, coffee shops, work, the gym, the park, the library, the designer mall, the waiting room at Planned Parenthood...hey, you never know when you might find someone. Really, the only place it's NOT okay to look is at a family reunion (although I have been hit on at one of those...but that's a whole other story). I am always looking, so thanks for stating the obvious about how "okay" it is to be doing so, match.com. I suppose next you're going to tell me that it's okay to drink coffee or it's okay to eat breakfast or it's okay to walk my dogs. Fuck off, match.com, with trying to make me feel validated enough to shell out for your subscription fee.
If I'm going to PAY to look, then I had better be looking at some hot pieces of ass who aren't insane. One of the biggest reasons people avoid internet dating (myself included) is the possibility of meeting a complete lunatic and/or stalker. I do a good enough job finding those without any e-assistance, so if I'm going to actually pay to peep at some frisky honeys on the prowl themselves, they better not be ugly and/or behaving like an extra from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. However, according to match.com's own promotional material, that's EXACTLY what they are selling.
If you go to match.com's website, you'll see SmilesforMiles01 and devco2000, AKA Fake Liz Phair and Pauly Shore/John C. Reilly's bastard child, letting us know in one sentence the dumbest, least interesting thing about both of them.
I only know a mere phrase worth of information about either of these people and already I hate them. You can tell that SmilesforMiles01 uses that lawn mowing line as part of her nagging routine. I can practically hear her shrill, shrewish voice issuing forth from within the unattractive folds of the Liz Claiborne blouse she's rocking: "Mow the lawn. It's THERAPEUTIC. Take out the garbage. IT'S THERAPEUTIC." And devco2000 would just rather that I think he's some kind of Jimmy Buffett-meets-Balthazar Getty rather than a sorry impersonator of the lead in Bio Dome. I should add, these are just the still promotional shots on the match.com website. The singles I'm supposed to get excited about looking at in the TV spots are infinitely more infuriating.
If you go to match.com's website, you'll see SmilesforMiles01 and devco2000, AKA Fake Liz Phair and Pauly Shore/John C. Reilly's bastard child, letting us know in one sentence the dumbest, least interesting thing about both of them.
I only know a mere phrase worth of information about either of these people and already I hate them. You can tell that SmilesforMiles01 uses that lawn mowing line as part of her nagging routine. I can practically hear her shrill, shrewish voice issuing forth from within the unattractive folds of the Liz Claiborne blouse she's rocking: "Mow the lawn. It's THERAPEUTIC. Take out the garbage. IT'S THERAPEUTIC." And devco2000 would just rather that I think he's some kind of Jimmy Buffett-meets-Balthazar Getty rather than a sorry impersonator of the lead in Bio Dome. I should add, these are just the still promotional shots on the match.com website. The singles I'm supposed to get excited about looking at in the TV spots are infinitely more infuriating.
Take, for example, LaSirene7, who wants her potential sex partners to know that she can't roller skate, she shrieks a lot, she has an annoying laugh, and she wears ugly dresses gleaned from the "Misses" section at the Puyallup Ross Dress for Less. In other words, she's basically walking birth control.
There's also 1Eamonn4U, a Kevin Federline-meets-Channing Tatum knockoff who thinks that chuckling and chasing around a butterfly will get him laid. Although I must commend him on going this route rather than his usual Ed Hardy shirt-wearing and roofie-slipping, I don't know many ladies who will eagerly follow a butterfly right into the awkwardly flailing arms of a low-functioning buffoon. He's so confident in his strategy that at the end of his ad, he says, "Heh heh heh, I can't wait 'til my ex-girlfriend sees this." Because she's going to be soooooooooooo jealous of all those girls who won't be able to resist 1Eamonn4U's lack of coordination and baffling lepidopteran amusements.
Or NYCGingerGirl, a low-rent Jami Gertz knockoff who can't seem to master the complex technical nuances of a chef hat. I can see why her name isn't NYCRocketScientist.
And then there's Buddy20, whose seduction game involves putting on his jaunty Robin Hood feathered cap and jogging in place in a suit while giggling maniacally. (SPOILER ALERT: Buddy20 is also totally a serial killer.)
Get an eyeful of Kumnandi, who is apparently suffering from dissociative schizophrenia and is letting her "Lenny Kravitz" personality manage her internet dating life.
One of my most hated ads is the one promoting HablawithMe, some mid-40s divorcee who is apparently obsessed with butchering simple phrases in German and Spanish. At the end of her asinine monologue (which is mostly comprised of her saying "um" and laughing at herself for no reason), she says "puedo no hablar el español," then guffaws and says, "Maybe someone out there understood that, somewhere." Maybe, bitch, because it's completely unfathomable that anyone out there speaks Spanish. And it doesn't take a wise Latina to realize that you said "I can't speak Spanish," which is frankly pretty fucking obvious.
And without fail, the worst, most loathsome installment in the "It's Okay To Look" serial shitshow, is the intolerable Adventure90. Every time I hear, "I'm just a goof, looking for my ball!" I want to pull out my strap and lay the bitch out, and in the rap way, not the hot girl-on-girl kind of way.
Seriously, who wants to go on a single date with ANY of these people? All these ads do is confirm the worst about internet dating: everyone on match.com is a weirdo and a freak, and irritating as fuck to boot. It's like these people exist in the world solely to work my very last nerve. It is okay to look, and it's also okay to say "HELL THE FUCK NO, MATCH.COM." Call me conservative and call me old-fashioned, but I'm going to pull my ass the traditional way: drag their drunk ass home from a bar!
Seriously, who wants to go on a single date with ANY of these people? All these ads do is confirm the worst about internet dating: everyone on match.com is a weirdo and a freak, and irritating as fuck to boot. It's like these people exist in the world solely to work my very last nerve. It is okay to look, and it's also okay to say "HELL THE FUCK NO, MATCH.COM." Call me conservative and call me old-fashioned, but I'm going to pull my ass the traditional way: drag their drunk ass home from a bar!
Labels: capitalism, I'm Not Buying It, intentional buffoonery, overcompensation, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, ranting, retard rage, sex, sluts, you're ugly
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For those people out there who actually want to have a relationship (as opposed to dragging someone home from a bar for a one night see-ya-never stand) dating sites are becoming a viable alternative to the traditional dating scene. While I do enjoy a nice piece of random ass I certainly do not consider those I pick up to be relationship material.
I absolutely loathe the commercials for these sites (eHarmony is the worst). However I think that your generalizations of the online dating scene illustrate your general insecurity with the dating scene as a whole, and your inability to engage in any relationship that is more complex than a drunken hookup, whether by choice or circumstance.
I absolutely loathe the commercials for these sites (eHarmony is the worst). However I think that your generalizations of the online dating scene illustrate your general insecurity with the dating scene as a whole, and your inability to engage in any relationship that is more complex than a drunken hookup, whether by choice or circumstance.
# posted by 
: 7/15/2009 2:12 PM
: 7/15/2009 2:12 PM
The Match.com commercials are Nike "Just Do It" genius compared to the shiteous promotions for eHarmony, a site that is apparently dedicated to helping old, ugly people find someone who has aged and/or gone through their first divorce as ungracefully as they have. Come to think of it, you should check it out, spinster; no one likes a 40 year-old barfly.
# posted by : 7/15/2009 7:55 PM
: 7/15/2009 7:55 PM
Well, since I seem to age about ten years with every post in your minds as I'm now apparently in my 40s, by the next post I'm going to be right around the age where I start acquiring cats. Or is it fucking disposable 25 year olds? I can't remember, but it's something grim, and as my inevitable decline is imminent, I'd better prepare.
SmilesforMiles is hot, I'd do her. As long as I didn't have to talk to her first.
jj
jj
# posted by : 7/16/2009 7:01 AM
: 7/16/2009 7:01 AM
"Fucking disposable 25 year olds" - like that's an accomplishment? Do you actually think being able to pull a dunk twenty-something affirms your value? Newsflash: 20-something men will fuck ANYTHING that isn't missing a limb or suffering from some form of dwarfism (and even the application of those caveats is fluid). That truism doesn't make it any less pathetic for either party involved. There is a wall between hip and sad, and you're rushing towards it like a car on the rails of a NHTSA crash rig.
# posted by : 7/16/2009 10:11 PM
: 7/16/2009 10:11 PM
Hey last anonymous poster, leave Razzy alone. So what if the 5 year olds of today are Razzy's future fucks. She may hate them now, but in 20 years, even though her vag may be dried up like microwave bacon, those horny dicks won't care. A 50 year old semi-hottie is still slightly better than jacking off!
# posted by : 7/17/2009 11:00 AM
: 7/17/2009 11:00 AM
Damn anonymous posters, lighten up! Why the fuck do you care what Razzy does? She can do whatever the fuck she wants. Is she directly hurting you? Draining your bank account? Racking up huge tabs on your credit card? Did she run over your cat?
I don't agree with all of Razzy's views of the world, but I'm not about to criticize a single person getting laid.
I don't agree with all of Razzy's views of the world, but I'm not about to criticize a single person getting laid.
# posted by : 7/17/2009 9:41 PM
: 7/17/2009 9:41 PM
Agree with the post as always.
Fucking ridiculous commercials.
Also, I think that we can only HOPE that Razzy will continue her exploits into old age. The longer she's going, the better chance we have of meeting her.
Fucking ridiculous commercials.
Also, I think that we can only HOPE that Razzy will continue her exploits into old age. The longer she's going, the better chance we have of meeting her.
# posted by : 7/19/2009 4:58 AM
: 7/19/2009 4:58 AM
Oh boy Razzy, this reminds me of the time you tried to defend your freind's post to you blog about blowing cigarette smoke at people. I still admire that you post these comments, though I'm tempted to drink on your behalf from reading them. Its why I like to read your blog... and why I drink on week nights. Okay, I do that anyway.
# posted by : 7/24/2009 1:12 AM
: 7/24/2009 1:12 AM
Have you seen the commercials for the anti-eharmony? I think it's called onlinebootycall.com or something like that.
Genius! Although I'm not quite sure how it differs from prostitution...
Genius! Although I'm not quite sure how it differs from prostitution...
# posted by : 7/27/2009 7:53 PM
: 7/27/2009 7:53 PM
it's okay to avoid like leprosy. are you sure you weren't referring to your very own blog? i hope it wasn't school and/or the east coast that was the largest part of you getting some posts up here. since you've been back here in the great pac nw (stay the fuck out californians and anyone else who thinks it would be great to move here), the posts have been fewer and further in between. how about bitching about the heatwave? the lack of black bachelors in t-town that don't have 5 kids with multiple baby's mommas? how about the fact that the seahawks could possibly pick up dogbeater, aka michael vick, and have him as a second stringer by september/october when he is reinstated in full? he could take over for the aging cripple/jon kitna wannabee known as matt asselbeck. figure something out. in the very least you could whip out your sweater meat and give most of us something to brighten our day...
Amen on that Angry Nation- With Razzy not posting anymore, I'm thinking about turning away, finding some other interesting blog to occupy my down time.
jj
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jj
# posted by : 7/28/2009 10:12 AM
: 7/28/2009 10:12 AM Links to this post:
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