Thursday, January 07, 2010

 

Thanks be to fucking God (I never got that stupid tattoo)

I managed to escape my teens and twenties without a single tattoo. Mercifully, I do not have a dreamcatcher tramp stamp, or a dolphin leaping over my shoulder, or any random Chinese characters, or ANYTHING subcutaneously airbrushed on my body. This is a good thing, too. All the tattoos I ever wanted to get were extraordinarily lame, and I'm glad I was either too young, too lazy, or too broke to get them.

In high school, while deeply smitten with my girlfriend, I painted the case of my TI-85 graphing calculator with illustrations of the tattoos I was going to get to declare my extreme baby dyke radical feminist views and my obsession with aforementioned girlfriend. I don't remember all of them, but I do recall that I wanted to get an armband tattoo that was a sort of vine of roses entangled with irises because those were our favorite flowers at the time. I painted this all around the perimeter of my TI-85 cover. I also remember that I wanted to get a pink triangle on the bottom of my foot, to "remind me where I stand." That wouldn't have been too bad or noticeable, but lacking that certainly didn't cause me to forget that I like to lick snatch sometimes and I support the civil rights of others who choose to get in on some hot same-sex action.

Later, in my early twenties, LL Cool Jew, Wmania, and myself were going to get matching Georgia O'Keefe deer skulls as a testament to our deep and abiding friendship. I planned on getting this on my right shoulder, LL Cool Jew was going to get it on her chest, and Wmania wanted the classic small-of-back cum catcher. Additionally, we wanted to get "WAR" below this famous reproduction of a decomposed, decapitated cervid, in Eazy-E's Compton hat gangsta font (it is an acronym of our initials). For some reason, we thought such a look was classier than any tattoo we would have opted for in college, and would be a cherished and not remotely regrettable addition to our bodies. After all, who wouldn't disfigure themselves for the sake of friendship?

Sha. Suffice to say, I can only imagine how annoyed LL Cool Jew would have been at her wedding had antlers been sprouting out of the bodice of her Vera Wang wedding gown and despoiling her hot-ass tits at her nuptial celebration. Luckily, those tattoos were all about $250 more than we had budgeted for our exercise in making a permanent physical record of our friendship. Still more luckily, we are all still friends, despite lacking Georgia O'Keefe deer skull tattoos.

In spite of all the dumb ideas I had with regard to body art, there is one tattoo I wanted for a long period of time that I never got. I just never got around to it, but I always figured if I found myself in a position where tattooing made sense, I would ask for that. Over my many years of Catholic education, I developed a fetish for graven images, and my favorite of all time was the sacred heart of Jesus.

At one time, I thought this heart-shaped, briar-encircled Zippo lighter of Christ was an awesome image. It was at once cool, relatively unique, less associated with Latin gangs than the Our Lady of Guadalupe, and scratched my old-timey-Catholic-stuff itch. It was personal, appropriate, and up to my standards, and I wouldn't have to draw it.

It was also the tattoo equivalent of a fucking Ed Hardy shirt. I realized this today, when I went to my favorite internets gossip site and found THIS:

When you realize that Michael Lohan--a convicted felon, estranged deadbeat patriarch of one of the most trainwrecktastic clans currently grasping desperately for a glance of the public eye, and probably the most detestable non-celebrity famewhore on the entire internet-- has your former dream tattoo, and is further flaunting it to the most accursed of bottom-shelf, we-wish-we-were-x17 paparazzi, you can go ahead and thank your lucky stars you never went ahead with that sacred heard of Jesus tattoo. You can also swear on the risen motherfucking Christ whose sacred heart that supposedly is that you never made it a permanent part of your epidermis, as I very nearly did. Bullet DODGED.

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# posted by Razzy @ 10:34 PM
Comments:
"It was also the tattoo equivalent of a fucking Ed Hardy shirt."

Spot on!
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 1/11/2010 12:11 PM
 
Coulda been LOTS worse. Some tats are the equivalent of stenciling DIPWAD across the forehead. Case in point: a woman I know paired up for a couple of years with a guy with dozens of tats, including one of a furiously masturbating male gorilla that covered his right shin. He spent most of his time smoking weed and being depressed because he didn't have a job. Go figure.
# posted by Anonymous Murgatroyd : 1/12/2010 4:52 AM
 
pats lose. put that on the twins, eh?
# posted by Anonymous angry_nation : 1/16/2010 11:46 PM
 
If you regret a tattoo, you could always have it removed:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/61336/saturday-night-live-turlingtons-lower-back-tattoo-remover
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 1/21/2010 11:58 PM
 
Will you just shut this shitshow down already?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 2/17/2010 3:14 PM
 
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